Meat Me When You Get Out

June 23rd, 2015 — 4:06pm

According to CNN, prison tailor instructor Joyce Mitchell has admitted to putting hacksaw blades in frozen hamburger and asking a prison guard to pass it to Richard Matt, one of the two convicted killers who hacked their way out of the Clinton Correctional Facility two weeks ago. Prison authorities said it was a very clever move since they routinely check all cakes for hacksaw blades but never thought to check frozen hamburger. Nor wonder what a prisoner was going to do with frozen hamburger in his non-cooking cell. IQ tests will be administered all around.

 

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Make No Mistakes

May 20th, 2015 — 9:33am

nuclear-pencilAccording to the Korean Central News Agency, a North Korean military official stated that, “We have had the capability of miniaturizing nuclear warheads, as well as producing multiform weapons, for some time.” When asked to comment on this breakthrough, leader Kim Jong Un said, “It’s very exciting. We can put them in our pockets with our loose change, keep one on our keychains, and even pull the eraser out of a pencil and put a teeny tiny nuclear warhead in it. I’m just saying.”

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Hindsight is 20-20

May 14th, 2015 — 6:12pm

Jeb Bush yesterday backpedaled once again when asked about whether the U.S. should have gotten involved in his older brother’s war in Iraq, “Knowing what we know now, I would not have engaged. I would not have gone into Iraq.” When asked for a comment about his sons, George H. Bush, said, “Knowing what we know now, I would have gotten a vasectomy on my wedding night.”

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Now That’s Sitting — or Standing — Bull

May 12th, 2015 — 2:26pm

Commenting on the NFL’s decision to suspend New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady for four games for using underinflated footballs in the playoffs, Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid Tweeted that, “I find it stunning that the NFL cares more about how much air is in a football than it cares about a racist franchise name,” referring of course to the Washington Redskins. Interestingly, he doesn’t seem to care that the government has Tomahawk missiles; Apache, Blackhawk, and Lakota helicoptors; and used the code name Geronimo in the attack on Osama bin Laden. Whatever you do, don’t go scalping tickets to the next Reid fundraiser.

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True Confessions

April 25th, 2015 — 12:00pm

In an interview Friday night with Diane Sawyer, Bruce Jenner admitted that, “For all intents and purposes, I am a woman.” Then he really shocked Sawyer and the world by admitting that he’s a *gasp* Republican. “I lived a lie my whole life and I can’t do that any longer,” he said. He went on to admit that he’s always felt he’s African-American, is actually more attuned to his Vulcan half, and thanks to the decathlon can’t stand anything that includes the number 10.

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Chubby Bubbly?

April 16th, 2015 — 2:13pm

chubby-hubbyNew Belgium Brewery in Colorado has teamed up with Ben & Jerry’s to create a beer inspired by ice cream – Salted Caramel Brownie. Apparently they were afraid that a beer named Chubby Hubby would be a little too close for comfort to sell well.

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Estoy Con Estúpido

April 9th, 2015 — 12:12pm

im-with-stupidA photo of Ecuador’s President Rafael Correa has been circulating in which he’s standing on the, uh, wrong side of a boy who’s wearing the classic ’70s tourist T-shirt: “I’m With Stupid.” Since Correa speaks fluent English and holds a doctorate in economics from the University of Illinois we can only assume he has a sense of humor. As for the boy, he said, “Ese es el Presidente? Yo pensaba que era Ted Cruz!”

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Putting Words In Other Peoples’ Mouths

April 8th, 2015 — 5:38pm

The United States Postal Service is unveiling a stamp Tuesday morning honoring the late author Maya Angelou. The stamp features the quote, “A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.” Unfortunately, it turns out Angelou didn’t write that, children’s book author Joan Walsh Anglund did in 1967 in her book, A Cup of Sun. When he heard, Mark Saunders of the USPS responded by sending a link to a 2013 blog post interview that quoted Angelou saying the phrase and later said he found “numerous references” that attributed it to Angelou. Snopes probably wasn’t one of them. The USPS says it’s not going to pull the limited edition stamp but may re-release it with a different famous Angelou quote, “Do you like green eggs and ham? I do not like them, Sam-I-am.”

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Plagiarism Imitating Plagiarism

April 2nd, 2015 — 8:42am

The Indian Journal of Dermatology announced that it was withdrawing a paper published in 2014 titled “Development of a guideline to approach plagiarism in Indian scenario” because sections of it were plagiarized. It turns out that the paper’s author, Thorakkal Shamim of the Department of Dentistry in Malappuram, copied whole chunks from someone else’s dissertation. The journal is taking a hard look at other of Shamim’s submissions, including “The effects of Irony on publishing careers.”

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You Speak. I Rule. And Then You Shut Up.

November 21st, 2014 — 11:04pm

judge-judyAfter months of threatening, House Speaker John Boehner filed a lawsuit against President Obama for what he calls abuse of the president’s executive authority relating to the healthcare law hereinafter known as Obamacare. In spite of his earlier threats to include Obama’s new immigration order in the lawsuit, in the end it wasn’t a part of it, though one Republican official says it’s still under consideration. Another proposal, intended to save money, time, and the American people’s dwindling patience, is to take it to Judge Judy. With luck it will be on next Wednesday’s show. It will be quick, painless, and much funnier. Then we can get on with our lives and back to discussing important things like Kim K’s butt.

(Thanks Jeff!)

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The Name Game

October 16th, 2014 — 10:19am

operation_inherent_resolveAfter two months of air strikes and a lot of careful thought and consideration, the Pentagon announced yesterday that it had come up with an official name for the war on Islamic State – Operation Inherent Resolve. Apparently Operation Wishy Washy was rejected as being too forceful and militaristic. Not only will the new battle slogan instill fear – maybe even shock and awe! – in the enemy, but it will look really good on CNN and Fox News when they flash it on the screen accompanied by the strains of 101 Hollywood Strings performing “Oops! I Did It Again.” Heck, even the lame Invasion of Grenada in 1983 was called Operation Urgent Fury.

Not to be outdone, the Surgeon General announced today that the fight against Ebola would from now on be officially known as Operation Try Not to Catch It.

 

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The Dog Ate My Appointment Calendar, So I Ate The Dog

October 14th, 2014 — 8:34am

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has finally made a public appearance after 40 days out of sight, visiting a new housing complex and sporting a spiffy new cane. When asked by a reporter about his lack of public appearances, Kim replied, “I overslept. One of my lackies must have forgotten to set the alarm. Now go to prison and do hard labor for the rest of your life.”

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Smells Like Revolutionary Spirit

September 27th, 2014 — 9:14am

che-cologneA company in Cuba that manufactures homeopathic medicines, cleaning products and dietary supplements is moving into the cologne market. Labiofam is releasing two scents: “Ernesto” and “Hugo,” in honor of Ernesto “Che” Guevara and the late Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Formulated by a French company, “Ernesto” is a woodsy and refreshing citric scent with notes of talcum powder while “Hugo” is softer and fruitier with hints of mango and papaya. The scents took 1½ years to formulate because the original version of “Ernesto,” which featured more authentic notes of sweat, jungle, and gunpowder, oddly didn’t fare well in the focus groups.

 

 

 

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Maybe They Should Rename The Conference

September 26th, 2014 — 9:13am

Two hundred sixteen experts who attended the Food Safety Summit in Baltimore last April got sick after eating lunch. It turns out the Chicken Marsala that was served was  contaminated with Clostridium perfringens (C. perfringens) which can cause diarrhea, stomach cramps, nausea, headaches, chills, vomiting and fever. Hopefully they’ll be more careful at next year’s event, which has the theme: “Hey, let’s go out for lunch!”

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There Oughta Be An E*** Law

April 11th, 2014 — 10:21am

This is a formal request to Congress to outlaw the word “epic” unless used to describe The Odyssey, The Ramayana, Beowulf, or a song title by AFI. This campaign is bound to be a, well, big fail.

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Current Events Quiz

March 6th, 2014 — 4:40pm

Q: What did the Russian army sing to Ukrainians who objected as they marched into their country?

A: Crimea River

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The Devil – I Mean, The Mayor Of Toronto – Made Me Do It

January 9th, 2014 — 2:44pm

Dennis Rodman has apologized for his recent behavior in which he sang Happy Birthday to Kim Jong Un before an exhibition game in Pyongyang, North Korea, and suggested that Kenneth Bae, an American citizen who has been held in North Korea since 2012, may have done something to deserve his sentence of 15 years of hard labor. Rodman blamed the outburst on drinking, stress, and a what he admits was a “very bad Rob Ford imitation”.

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Don’t Go Putting No Tigger In My Eeyore, Dammit!

January 3rd, 2014 — 2:51pm

Wal-Mart stores in China are recalling “Five Spice” brand donkey meat snacks that were sold in some of their stores because DNA testing has shown that it might not all be donkey. In fact, some of it might be contaminated by – gag! retch! blech! – fox meat. Chinese shoppers are rightly outraged. After all, when you want a piece of ass you want a piece of ass.

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Smog – The Other Health Food

December 16th, 2013 — 6:28pm

China, living up to its reputation as the country that always puts a positive spin on everything, has released a list of five “surprising benefits” of smog. As published on the China Central Television’s website, they are:

1. It unifies the Chinese people.

2. It makes China more equal.

3. It raises citizen awareness of the cost of China’s economic development.

4. It makes people funnier.

5. It makes people more knowledgeable (of things like  meteorology and the English word haze).

The article was pulled, but then the Global Times published an article claiming air pollution might help the Chinese military by obscuring sight lines, which can reduce the effectiveness of surveillance and weapons systems.

There will be more. Heck, everyone knows smog takes your mind off only being able to have one child, clouds your brain while you spend all day doing the same mundane task making iPhones for people who pay more for the phone than you make in a month, and helps you to not see North Korea and its missiles aimed at you while Kim “The Kid” Jong-un playfully holds a big red button in his hand.

 

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But I Know The Big Guy. Honest!

December 3rd, 2013 — 5:36pm

pope-bouncerPope Benedict may have worn red shoes, but Pope Francis, it turns out, worked the red rope. In an interview recently, he admitted that when he was a teen he worked as a bouncer in a nightclub in Buenos Aries. It’s not really so different from being Pope — people are still confiding in him and trying to convince him they should be allowed to end up someplace where they think angels hang out.

 

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