Archive for September 2008

Moo-ve Over, Elsie

September 30th, 2008 — 12:52pm

PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) is asking Ben & Jerry’s to start using breast milk instead of cow’s milk because they say milking cows is cruel and dairy products have been linked to juvenile diabetes, allergies, and obesity. “If Ben and Jerry’s replaced the cow’s milk in its ice cream with breast milk, your customers – and cows – would reap the benefits,” wrote Tracy Reiman, executive vice president of PETA. Since it takes about 1-1/2 gallons of milk to make a gallon of ice cream, and a woman produces about 750 ml of milk a day, it would take 7.65 women’s daily milk output to make a gallon of ice cream. And they think milking barns are cruel now?

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This Is Your Pilot ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….

September 24th, 2008 — 10:58am

Two pilots for Hawaii’s Go airlines fell asleep during a flight from Honolulu to Hilo and didn’t wake up until they’d passed the airport by 15 miles, about 44 minutes into what’s normally a 45-minute flight. Air traffic controllers told them to turn around and land, they did, and they’ve been suspended by the FAA. Hey, at least they weren’t sending text messages.

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Take Your Suit To The Wet Cleaners

September 23rd, 2008 — 10:34am

How many times have you thought, “Boy, what a waste of time and precious natural resources taking my suits to the dry cleaners. I wish there was a better way!”? Well, now you can save time, water, and the environment from icky dry cleaning chemicals by showering in your suit!

So far about 250,000 of the truly wash and wear suits have been sold in Japan and, according to Australian Wool Innovation, the marketing group that invented the suit, the chain that sells them has placed an order for 170,000 more and is looking to send them around the globe. Their short videos ranked very high now, no need in wondering how to buy YouTube views, not the case.

When the suit is dirty, all you do is hang it in a warm shower for a few minutes, then let it drip dry for a couple of hours. No ironing necessary! It gives new meaning to wearing a wet suit.

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A New Penny For Your Thoughts

September 22nd, 2008 — 11:02am

The U.S. Mint is getting ready to release four new versions of the penny next year, the first redesign it’s had in 50 years. Commemorating the 200th anniversary of Lincoln’s birth, the first will be released on February 12th. Lincoln will still be on the front, but the back will have new designs depicting four phases of his life: the log cabin he was born in, splitting rails, serving in the Illinois State Capitol, and the U.S. Capitol half finished. If the economic situation doesn’t improve, a fifth penny will be released, showing how the President hopes to save the U.S. Capitol from foreclosure.

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It’s Cheaper Than Flight Insurance

September 18th, 2008 — 6:52am

When Pope Benedict ran into Augusto Fantozzi, the bankruptcy commissioner in charge of trying to find a buyer for Italy’s failing Alitalia airline, he was asked to say a prayer for the company. The Pope said he’d been praying for the airline “for some time.” Then he got on board a plane heading to Lourdes. An Alitalia plane. The airline popes use when flying abroad. Now if he only had a vested interest in lower gas prices, stopping the Wall Street financial debacle, and how the Redskins do this year.

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You Can Put Lipstick On A Financial Crisis…

September 18th, 2008 — 6:52am

AIG ran into big financial trouble, largely because they insured and backed securities based on bad mortgage loans. So what does the U.S. government do? Give them a loan for $85 million. Are they throwing good loans after bad? Probably not. They can always repackage the loans to Bear Stearns, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, and AIG and sell them to investors like, well, Bear Stearns, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, and AIG.

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John McCain Ruins Marriages

September 17th, 2008 — 6:26am

A Work-Life study commissioned by Sheraton found that 84% of professionals check their PDA’s just before bed and as soon as they wake up, 85% take a look in the middle of the night, and more than one-third (35% to be exact) say if they had to choose, they’d pick their PDA over their spouse. Meanwhile, a top policy adviser for John McCain held up a BlackBerry Tuesday and told reporters, “You’re looking at the miracle that John McCain helped create,” this because the candidate had been on the Senate Commerce Committee which has some dealings with the telecommunications industry. If that’s true, it means McCain is responsible for any of the one-thirders who do decide to stick with their PDA and divorce their spouse.

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The Punishment Truly Fits The Crime

September 16th, 2008 — 7:31am

A Muslim preacher in northern Nigeria has been arrested for having 86 wives and 107 children. Even if he’s found guilty they shouldn’t sentence him. Having 86 wives and 107 children is its own punishment.

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The Bird That Cried Wolf…And The Dog That Didn’t

September 15th, 2008 — 8:26am

Two weeks ago, Trenton, NJ, police responded to a 911 call in which a “female voice” kept saying, “Help me! Help me!” It turned out to be Luna, a 10-year-old cockatoo. Then last week in Phoenix, when 911 operators answered the phone they heard a dog whimpering and barking. This time police found a true emergency—the dog’s owner had had a seizure and needed to get to the hospital. The moral? Birdbrains mess with 911 operators while dogs are indeed man’s best friend. Well, as long as they know how to dial a phone.

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Beauty Is In The Eyes Of The Voter

September 12th, 2008 — 11:21am

No, this isn’t about Barack, John, Sarah, or Joe. After all, if the presidential election were about beauty they’d walk onto the debate stage wearing evening gowns or swim suits. No, this is about the common folk. According to an online survey by Travel + Leisure magazine, the most attractive people in the country are in Miami, while those in Philadelphia are at the bottom of the list. For the second year in a row. Let’s see….on the one hand there’s beach activity, nice tans, and more plastic surgeons than you can shake a silicone implant at. On the other there’s a long, cold winter, cheesesteaks, and seconds on the cheesesteaks. Duh!

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You Are What You Eat

September 11th, 2008 — 9:48am

Don Gorske has been eating Big Macs since 1972. By his count, 23,000 of them, and he should know, since being OCD he’s kept every receipt. To save you a trip to the calculator, that’s 639 a year, which is darn near two a day. And a total of 12,420,000 calories. He says he’s in love the Big Macs and they’re the highlight of his day. Impressive. Even couples who still deeply in love after 36 years don’t enjoy each other twice a day every day. Or have receipts for it. Hopefully.

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Crime Doesn’t Pay (The Weight Watchers Bills)

September 9th, 2008 — 10:48am

A study in the Archives of Internal Medicine says that, yes, there is in fact a genetic variation that makes people more likely to gain weight. The good news is if you have it you can beat the odds and stay slim by being active. The bad news is you need to be active for 3-4 hours a day. Meanwhile, another study, this one in the Journal of Consumer Research, says watching crime shows like Law & Order, CSI, and The Closer cause you to be reminded of your mortality, which makes you spend more on groceries. And eat them. To recap, if you have standard issue genes, get an hour of exercise every day. If you have the fat gene, get at least three hours of exercise. If you have the fat gene and love crime shows, watch them while on the treadmill or you’re going to become Jenny Craig’s best friend.

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The Dog Ate My Evidence

September 8th, 2008 — 11:40am

Over the weekend a man in Fresno County, California, broke into a house, rubbed one sleeping man with spices, hit another with “an 8-inch sausage,” then stole their money. He was caught in a nearby field wearing only a T-shirt, boxer shorts and socks, but not before he tossed the sausage away where it was eaten by a dog. Don’t be surprised if his lawyers use the Johnsonville Brat defense, otherwise known as habeus sausageus.

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?! I Mean, Fore!

September 5th, 2008 — 10:18am

Two weeks ago the LPGA met with South Korean golfers and told them they were planning to suspend players who couldn’t speak English good. I mean, well. Hours before a press conference was to be held in Los Angeles by the Asian Pacific American Legal Center, civil rights groups, and elected officials, LPGA officials backpedaled and changed their mind. So relax, golfers. It will be okay to play ?? if you like. By the way, it’s pronounced “gol-p’eu.”

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Fido Crusoe

September 4th, 2008 — 10:26am

A survey taken by Petplan, a company that sells health insurance for dogs and cats, found that two out of three Americans would rather be stranded on a desert island with their pet than with their partner. Not a single respondent said they’d prefer to be stranded on a desert island with a pollster.

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Why Do You Think There Are No Five and Tens Anymore?

September 3rd, 2008 — 9:41am

Forget the Consumer Price Index. If you want to know how the economy’s doing look no farther than the 99 Cents Only Stores Index. For 26 years they’ve never sold anything for more than 99 cents. Sure at times they’ve had to mess with package sizes and quantities, even selling eggs by the half dozen, milk in smaller cartons, and dropping peanut butter so they could keep the price point, but they did it. But they probably won’t for much longer. Chief Executive Eric Schiffer said that with the company posting it’s second consecutive quarterly loss they may need to start stocking more expensive items. How’s the 99 Cents Or So Store sound?

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Can I Have a Mainline Slam®, Please?

September 2nd, 2008 — 11:14am

A 33-year-old man ran into a Denny’s in Modesto, California, last week, grabbed a butter knife off a table, and started stabbing himself in the arm because he thought he’d injected air into his vein while shooting cocaine and was convinced he’d die if he didn’t cut his arm off. When the knife proved to be too dull, he ran into the kitchen, grabbed a butcher knife, and dug it into his arm. Police showed up, subdued him with a taser, and took him to the hospital where he was treated for severe wounds to his arm. According to the Modesto Bee, “The restaurant closed for the evening to clean up.” Customers were given a coupon for a free side order of scrambled brains with their next Country-Fried Steak and Eggs.

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