Archive for April 2010

Take It Esse [Arizona Mix]

April 30th, 2010 — 9:10am

Well, I’m a standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona,
and such a scary sight to see.
It’s a cop, my Lord, in a black and white Ford,
slowin’ down to point a gun at me.
Come on, esse, where’s your papers?
I gotta know if your sweet ass is really legal.
You may lose and you may win,
You may run I’ll find you again.
I’ll open up, you’re climbin’ in,
so take it easy.

[Apologies—or thanks—to Jackson Browne]

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When Your Bark Is Worse Than Your Attention Span

April 29th, 2010 — 9:49am

According to an Associated poll, one-third of married women who own a pet think their pets are better listeners than their husbands, with twice as many considering dogs to be better listeners than cats.  Nearly every one of them said that if they could find a canine marriage counselor they’d be there in a heartbeat.

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Is That A Police Baton In Your Pocket Or Are You About To Be Fired?

April 28th, 2010 — 8:40am

The police chief of Papua, Indonesia, has announced that applicants who have had their penis enlarged will be barred from joining the police force. It seems many Papuan men wrap their penis with with leaves from the gatal-gatal tree so it swells up “like it has been stung by a bee.” The police chief says this unnatural size causes “hindrance during training.” Not to mention it’s very distracting to the female cadets and nearly impossible to run after a fleeing criminal. Rejected applicants are being encouraged to contact Hustler Productions to discuss new career possibilities.

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Stalking The Wild Haggis

April 27th, 2010 — 9:27am

A survey taken for the online takeout food company found that one in five people in Britain thinks haggis is an animal that lives in the hills rather than the Scottish dog food-like concoction made from the lung, liver, and heart of a sheep. Fifteen percent of those polled thought haggis is a Scottish musical instrument, 4% said it’s a character from Harry Potter, and 62% thought it was the name of the headmaster of the high school they wish they’d completed.

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Why Do You Think They Call Him Jughead?

April 26th, 2010 — 8:38am

In a move to keep Archie Comics up to date and relevant, the company is adding a new character, Kevin Keller, who co-CEO Jon Goldwater describes as its first “openly gay” character. Openly gay? Hmmm…what does that say about Archie? Jughead? Or…Moose?!?

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It Gives New Meaning To Fiddling Around While Rome Burns

April 23rd, 2010 — 8:25am

An investigation by the inspector general’s office has found that as the economy was tanking, senior Security and Exchange Commission employees spent time checking out porn sites on their government-issued computers when they were supposed to be monitoring the country’s financial system. The staffers defended their actions by saying what they were watching was much less offensive.

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Dead Beat Mayor

April 22nd, 2010 — 10:57am

Carl Robin Geary beat incumbent Barbara Brock in the recent mayoral election in Tracy City, Tennessee, pulling 268 votes to Brock’s 85. This in spite of the fact that Geary died a few weeks before the election. Brock says she thought she’d done a good job but figures voters wanted “a return to the past.” She expects the trend to continue, predicting that during the next presidential election the townspeople will overwhelmingly vote for Warren G. Harding.

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I’m Too Sexy For My Jacket

April 21st, 2010 — 10:17am

Move over Nehru. According to Rodong Sinmun, North Korea’s communist-party newspaper, leader Kim Jong-il is a “global fashion trend,” thanks to his ever-present zippered jacket, matching pants, and sunglasses. The newspaper quotes an unnamed French fashion expert as saying the look is “spreading expeditiously worldwide, is something unprecedented in the world’s history.” Armani, Calvin Klein, and Ray-Ban are certain to show expensive versions next season, to be followed by a flood of cheap Chinese knock-offs of a Korean fashion faux pas.

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You Don’t Need Dr. Drew To Know Which Way The Wind Blows

April 20th, 2010 — 8:57am

In a bi-partisan religious first, an Iranian religious leader has channeled Pat Robertson, declaring that earthquakes aren’t, in fact, caused by shifting tectonic plates, but rather by women dressing immodestly and being promiscuous. Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi went on to say that adultery causes floods, premarital sex causes hurricanes, and masturbation causes tornadoes but they’re worth it.

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I Cannot Tell A Lie. I Didn’t Return Those Books.

April 19th, 2010 — 12:49pm

In going through their records, the New York Society Library discovered that on October 5, 1789 George Washington checked out two books, an essay on international affairs called Law of Nations and the twelfth volume of a collection of debates from the English House of Commons. Washington, who was president at the time, never returned the books. Probably too busy taking care of that new cherry tree his Dad had to plant. The library has calculated the fine to be about $300,000 but, according to the head librarian, “We’re not actively pursuing the overdue fines.” Yeah, it might be a little late for that.

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Can I Just Watch 3-D Until I’m Buzzed?

April 16th, 2010 — 10:31am

Samsung’s new 3-D televisions come with a health warning that pregnant women, the elderly, people under the influence of alcohol, those with serious medical conditions and the sleep-deprived “should avoid utilizing the unit’s 3-D functionality.” Apparently in some cases it can cause an epileptic seizure or stroke. The warning goes on to say that children and teenagers “should be closely supervised when viewing these images” because they’re more likely to experience side effects like dizziness and disorientation. Sounds like a reason they’ll want to watch, which really isn’t so bad. After all, it’s safer than huffing or doubling up on Adderall and at least the kids are home and you know where they are.

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In Cyberspace, No One Can See You Blush

April 15th, 2010 — 10:56am

A new study finds that, contrary to their propensity to say or show anything online, young people really do care about online privacy as much as older Americans. What neither group cares about is studies like this.

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All You Need Is Love (And Hindsight)

April 14th, 2010 — 8:57am

The Vatican newspaper, L’Osservatore Romano, observed the 40th anniversary of the Beatles’ breakup by making nice with the band and forgiving their trespasses, including John Lennon’s famous tongue-in-cheek claim that the band was more popular than Jesus. The newspaper went on to say that while in their day the Beatles had a lock on the young female fans, young boys were more prone to look up at the priests. Uh, look up to the priests.

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X-ray-ted News

April 13th, 2010 — 9:41am

If you’re a Marilyn Monroe fan you won’t want to miss the Hollywood Legends auction at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas in June, where you’ll be able to bid on a chest X-ray taken when the star was undergoing treatment for endometriosis at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. Keep in mind though, that for the $1,200 they think it will bring in, X-rays look through the skin.

In related news, a magazine has hit the newsstands that lets blind and visually impaired people finally get that Playboy thrill. Tactile Minds features braille text along with raised pictures of naked men and women you can run your fingers over. With luck, issue number two will include a 3-D version of Marilyn’s chest X-rays.

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Suicide Hotline, Will You Hold Please?

April 12th, 2010 — 2:12pm

When a 44-year-old Swedish man called a church suicide hotline at 2 a.m. Friday morning, the phone was answered by a pastor who listened to the man’s problems. Or so the caller thought. He could hear breathing on the other end and figured the pastor was busy taking notes. Actually, he fell asleep. The good news is he woke up. The bad news is he fell asleep again while the man was talking. The man hung up, called back, waited on hold for 10 minutes, then gave up. The call, anyway. Regaining the will to live so he could report the paster the next day, the man complained to the church which is looking into it. Hopefully the investigators won’t fall asleep.

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A Pilot Will Cost You Extra

April 7th, 2010 — 11:14am

First Spirit Airlines announced that they’re going to start charging up to $45 for carry-on bags that go in the overhead bins. Now Ryanair says they’re considering putting pay toilets on flights under an hour. How much do you think it’s going to wind up costing if you take your carry-on bag into the toilet instead of stowing it under the seat you paid extra for so you can sit during the flight?

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Don’t Worry, Those Noisy Kids Won’t Wake Dad Up

April 6th, 2010 — 9:17am

Two women were arrested at John Lennon airport in Liverpool while trying to take a 91-year-old man wearing sunglasses on an airplane bound for Germany because, well, he was dead. Hey, at least he wasn’t the pilot.

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It’s A Stylus, It’s A Snackfood, It’s A Stylus AND A Snackfood!

April 5th, 2010 — 4:05pm

Winter’s almost over here in the U.S., and iPhone users are rejoicing since they don’t have to have frozen fingers when they use their phone in cold weather. See, you can’t use an iPhone (or new iPad) while wearing gloves, and the Apple warranty doesn’t cover chilblains or frostbite. But take heed for next year and stock up on Maxbong sausages from South Korea. It turns out the meat sticks make a great stylus for the iPhone because they work with the capacitive touchscreen. Before you run out to 7-11 though, be warned that Slim Jims, Hickory Farms summer sausage, and Hebrew National Salamis don’t work, so for now, at least, you’ll need to order the genuine Maxbong from Case Crown for only 99 cents each.

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Flying The Friendlier Skies

April 2nd, 2010 — 9:33am

The Federal Aviation Administration has changed its longstanding policy against pilots taking antidepressants. They say they’d rather have them flying while on Prozac than taking them on the sly or not being treated at all.

“This is your pilot, Captain Eeyore, speaking. I’ve just taken my Prozac so we will be cruising at a higher altitude. Please stay in your seat with your seatbelts fastened and enjoy the ride. I know I will.”

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