Archive for June 2010

The Wind-Up…The Pitch…The Supreme Court Rules!

June 30th, 2010 — 8:49am

Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan’s confirmation hearing turned into a battle of the baseball metaphors this morning. When asked about Chief Justice John Roberts’ comment at his own confirmation hearing that justices act like baseball umpires, calling balls and strikes when deciding complex legal issues, Kagan agreed but said that while judges should be neutral they also have to exercise difficult judgments because, “They are not easy calls.” Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg suggested the court start using instant replay, Clarence Thomas said the infield fly rule wasn’t relevant to them since they wear robes so who cares if your fly is open or not, and Antonin Scalia said he didn’t care what anyone says, he disagrees with them all.

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A Dry Salmon Vodka Martini, Shaken, Not For Drinking

June 29th, 2010 — 9:59am

First there was vodka. Then there were fruit flavored versions. Last year Black Rock Spirits of Seattle came out with Bakon, a bacon-infused vodka hat goes well with scrambled eggs in the morning. What next, tuna? Well, not quite, but close. The Alaska Distillery just launched Smoked Salmon Flavored Vodka, and even the owners say that during some of the first 47 attempts to formulate it they “had our heave bucket close by.” Located in Wasilla, maybe they should create a vodka to honor the town’s most famous resident, Sarah Palin. I don’t know, maybe one that’s cheesy and ham flavored with top notes of tea and bullshit.

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I Think That I Shall Never See, An Heir That Tastes Like A Pepsi

June 28th, 2010 — 2:43pm

According to the Korean Central News Agency, the North Korean government has come up with a “Super Drink” made from 60 “microelements” extracted from over 30 species of plants that they say will add brain cells, protect the skin from wrinkles, and make Jamba Juice extremely jealous. Apparently it’s not being issued to government officials yet since a story in the New York Times reports that in order to get people ready for the appointment of ailing leader Kim Jong-il’s successor, the government’s been releasing songs and poems praising Kim’s youngest son, Kim Jong-un. The younger Kim needs some recognition since there are no authenticated photographs of him, no one knows how old he actually is, and none of the laudatory songs have been sung on American Idol. Yet. The South Carolina state legislature is watching closely. If the poetry slam succession goes well they may force future candidates for state office to campaign in haiku.

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It Hurts When I Do This. Don’t Do That.

June 25th, 2010 — 10:04am

In response to complaints that holding the new iPhone 4 in certain ways can cause call reception problems, Steve Jobs wrote in an email, “Just avoid holding it in that way.” When asked about the iPhone’s propensity to drop calls he replied, “Just avoid making calls.” Asked about his terse, unhelpful responses, he said, “Just avoid asking me questions.” Remember, it’s a feature, not a problem. They’re just trying to teach you to hold a cell phone correctly.

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Got Unicorn?

June 23rd, 2010 — 10:33am

After having sent a cease-and-desist warning to ThinkGeek for its April Fool’s Day description of canned unicorn as “the new white meat,” the National Pork Board now says it had to do it in order to protect its trademark and that, no, they don’t really believe unicorns exist. A company spokesperson did, however, say employees shouldn’t worry, the company cafeteria will continue to serve Roc eggs, Yeti milk, and Sasquatch Sausage.

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And Now, Live From Afghanistan….

June 22nd, 2010 — 9:15am

General Stanley McChrystal, the man in charge of U.S. and NATO troops in Afghanistan, has been recalled to Washington after his Rolling Stone interview became public. In it, McChrystal jokes about Vice-president Biden’s name, slams President Obama, and makes disparaging remarks about U.S. Ambassador Karl Eikenberry and Special Representative to Afghanistan Richard Holbrooke. He apologized, saying the interview was a mistake and that sometimes he likes to take the ‘Mc’ off his name and pretend he’s Billy Crystal.

“I have to say, out on the front line the ‘Bite Me Biden’ joke gets a laugh every time. Well, I’m off to Washington now for a private engagement. Thank you for coming out! With luck I’ll be here every day for the next 10 years. Drive your tanks home safely and don’t forget to tip your waitresses. And try the halal goat!”

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Warped Speed Election

June 21st, 2010 — 9:36am

Captain’s Log, Stardate 2010. Juan Manuel Santos won the Colombian run-off election, defeating the Romulans and Klingons to become the country’s new president. Long-lost brother William “The Negotiator” Shatner refused to comment on whether Santos named his own price for the office.

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Two! Two! Two Solutions In One!

June 18th, 2010 — 10:38am

A couple of months after spearheading the Arizona law that lets police check the residency status of suspected illegal immigrants, State Senator Russell Pearce has drafted a new bill that will deny citizenship to children born in the state, this in spite of the 14th Amendment to the Constitution. Pearce already has his next bill prepared, one that will propose using illegal immigrants to plug BP’s Macondo well in the Gulf of Mexico. “After all,” he says, “it’s their gulf, they should do something useful to help keep the oil out of it.”

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That’s Saint Jake And Saint Elwood To You

June 17th, 2010 — 12:29pm

Not many people consider The Blues Brothers a spiritual movie. Well, the Vatican does. To honor the 30th anniversary of the film’s release, L’Osservatore Romano, the Vatican’s official newspaper, called the film a “Catholic classic” and said it should be recommended viewing for Catholics, putting it in the company of such esteemed spiritual movies as The Ten CommandmentsJesus of Nazareth, and The Passion of The Christ. Apparently Jake and Elwood were right when they kept saying they “were on a mission from God.”

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Life Conflagrates Art

June 15th, 2010 — 10:46am

In what is obviously a sign of, uh, something, a 60-foot-tall statue of Jesus Christ with upraised arms that’s been a landmark on the side of a highway in Monroe, Ohio, since 2004 was struck by lightning and burned to a crisp. Hopefully it’s not a sign that Someone is really pissed about something, but rather just a family thing.

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WWWT (What Would Wendy Think?)

June 14th, 2010 — 9:50am

Wendy’s has pulled the Disco Fever CD they’ve been putting in kid’s meals lately. Not because it contains cadmium like the Shrek glasses McDonald’s recently recalled, but because it included a version of the song Last Dance by Donna Summer with the words “so horny” in it. It’s about time they cleaned the place up. Now they need to pull the pickles, sausages, and chicken breasts. So to speak.

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Pork, The Other Retired Slogan

June 11th, 2010 — 12:12pm

After 23 years, the National Pork Board is planning on retiring its advertising slogan, “The Other White Meat.” They haven’t chosen a replacement yet but likely candidates include “Got pig?”, “Smells better than fish,” “It ain’t just chitlins anymore,” and “We promise it’s not Wilbur.”

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That’s Mr. Chevrolet To You

June 10th, 2010 — 2:39pm

In a memo to employees, two vice presidents of General Mothers said employees should stop referring to Chevrolet cars as “Chevys.” It’s okay to continue calling BMWs “Beemers,” Toyotas “Brakeless Wonders,” and refer to Ford as “Fixed Or Repaired Daily.” But please, no Chevy. In response, a spokesperson for the Chevy’s Fresh Mex chain issued a statement reminding their employees that a restaurant isn’t a car and that this doesn’t pertain to them.

POSTSCRIPT: After all the bad publicity, especially this post no doubt, GM relented and said the memo was “poorly worded.” They meant to say, “You don’t have to call them Chevrolets, it depends on how much you like your job.”

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Why Do You Think They Play With Leather Balls?

June 9th, 2010 — 2:38pm

Even though, as exercise physiologist Tommy Boone points out, “There simply isn’t anything in the medical literature to support abstinence,” many players in the World Cup won’t be allowed to have the pleasure. The Argentine and Brazilian teams can. English players can have a girlfriend or wife over but no hanky panky—and they’ll be monitored to make sure they comply. Americans….well, who knows. Coaches won’t say. As for fans, sex definitely won’t interfere with their watching the game, but that’s because they won’t allow it to. A survey in Germany found that 95% of the soccer fans said they’d rather watch their team play than join their partner in bed. No word on whether 95% of German soccer fans’ wives are encouraging their husbands to watch more of the tournament.

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I’ll Drink To Them. I Mean, That.

June 8th, 2010 — 10:40am

One bad side effect of drinking beer has been its ability to increase the size of your stomach. Well now there’s a beer that can increase the size of other body parts too. Bohza, a Bulgarian lager, was developed to help new mothers who had trouble breast feeding but it didn’t take long before reports started rolling in that the beer was increasing women’s breast sizes by one or two pints. I mean, cups. Not surprisingly, sales are way up. But there is one caveat—drink too much and you might not only get larger breasts, you might find yourself showing them to more people.

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Snap, Crackle, Plop

June 4th, 2010 — 8:51am

You might remember that last year the FTC told Kellogg to stop making claims that Frosted Mini-Wheats improved kids’ attentiveness. Well now they’ve told the company to stop saying Rice Krispies “helps support your child’s immunity.” In addition, Kellogg will have to prove that Special K is special; print Snap, Crackle, and Pop’s immigration papers on boxes in Arizona; and will be required to warn consumers not to refer to the cereal as Cocoa Crispies once the milk is added and they’re not crispy anymore.

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Boy, Does This Ad Stink

June 3rd, 2010 — 1:42pm

If you’re driving down Hwy 150 in central North Carolina and you suddenly smell black pepper and charcoal, don’t pull over for a barbecue sandwich, it’s only a smell-o-rama billboard promoting a new line of beef available at the Bloom grocery chain. The billboard, which shows a fork piercing a piece of meat, emits the smell by way of a large fan that blows over fragrance-filled cartridges from 7:00-10:00 a.m. and 4:00-7:00 p.m. Let’s hope Bloom doesn’t launch a new line of canned tuna, onions, or manure fertilizer anytime soon.

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How Much To Just Have Him Say Hi On The Phone?

June 2nd, 2010 — 1:04pm

Sarah “The original Fergie” Ferguson told Oprah Winfrey she was devastated by the video of her accepting $40,000 in exchange for access to her ex-husband, Prince Andrew. In her defense—or should we say, defence—she says she’d been drinking at the time. Duh! She never would have asked for so little money had she been sober. There’s a lesson here for celebrities everywhere, beware the hazards of DWI— Drunk While Interviewing.

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It’s A Good Theory, Theoretically Speaking

June 1st, 2010 — 10:36am

In a study published in the Journal of Theoretical Biology, two scientists looked into whether giraffes are able to swim, something no one’s ever seen one do. Using computer modeling, they put a digital giraffe in digital water, where it was able to digitally swim, though not very well. While the scientists admit the research is unlikely to have any practical applications, the real money they were paid will come in handy for their next series of experiments—using computer modeling to see if a giraffe could get on a subway like Melman did in Madagascar, if a cow can jump over the moon, and if monkeys actually would be able to fly out of a scientist’s butt.

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