Archive for May 2011

But What If I Call The Cancer Hotline?

May 31st, 2011 — 9:49am

The World Health Organization (WHO?) says radiation from cell phones can possibly cause cancer and puts using a mobile phone in the same “carcinogenic hazard” category as lead, engine exhaust, and chloroform. Call me if you want to chat about this and cancer treatments.

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Got Lactaid?

May 26th, 2011 — 9:38am

The for past two years Laurel Gordon of Elma, Washington, has been promoting milk products as Grays Harbor County’s dairy ambassador and hopes to be crowned Washington state dairy ambassador in June, this despite the fact that she’s lactose intolerant and has to drink soy milk. Future ambitions include running her family dairy farm and being crowned Miss Irony.


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If It’s In Print It’s A Theory, Otherwise It’s A Fabrication

May 23rd, 2011 — 12:11pm

A new book claims to have the truth about the famous “Roswell Incident,” in which the U.S. government found and captured a UFO. Or weather balloon depending on who’s story you believe. In Area 51: An Uncensored History of America’s Top Secret Military Base, journalist Annie Jacobsen says it wasn’t a UFO or a weather balloon at all, but rather an experimental Russian spacecraft piloted by “grotesque, child-size aviators” developed in human experiments by none other than Josef Mengele. The cryogenically preserved bodies were supposed to have gone to heaven on May 21 at 6:00 pm but alas, that didn’t happen either.

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When Good Planes Go Bad

May 19th, 2011 — 10:11am

Officials at the National Transportation Safety Board are investigating what they call a “potential conflict” between two planes at O’Hare International Airport on Monday. Apparently an ExpressJet plane that was taking off dipped its wings at a SkyWest jet that was preparing to land. The Sky West plane took offense and made a comment about the ExpressJet’s mama, causing the SkyWest jet to bitch slap it and use an aviation slur. A 747 and DC10 managed to pull them apart before it could escalate and no birds were harmed by being sucked into anyone’s engine.

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Where’s Google Translation When We Really Need It?

May 18th, 2011 — 9:12am

Apparently there’s no Austrian translation for “Don’t shit where you eat.”

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Meet My Siblings, Tweet, Share And +1

May 17th, 2011 — 9:18am

A couple in Israel wanted a unique name for their new baby girl so they chose Like. As in Facebook Like. It might have been because she’s cute as a button. Or perhaps there were already too many Tweets on the block.  Or maybe YouTube Adler just didn’t sound like someone who would grow up to be a lawyer, doctor, or government leader. Regardless, let’s give a big thumbs up to Like!

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Messy Cleanup in Aisle Four

May 13th, 2011 — 2:26pm

A Bulgarian man walked into a supermarket on the island of Tenerife in the Canary Islands and randomly attacked a woman, cutting off her head and running away with it before security guards and police arrested him. The voice said to get a head of lettuce, you dolt, not “let us get a head.”

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Chock Full O’ Peas Is That Heavenly Coffee

May 10th, 2011 — 10:47am

Due to the increased price of coffee beans and the country’s economic crunch, the Cuban government has decided that the coffee citizens get for their monthly ration coupon will be blended with peas. This is nothing new, as they did this for years, but in 2005 they actually started handing out pure coffee. It makes economic sense since coffee prices have risen 69% to $2,904 a ton while peas have only climbed 30% to $500 a ton. Hopefully the trade ministry won’t realize that dryer lint is abundant and free.

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Ain’t Nothin’ Like The Real Thing

May 5th, 2011 — 11:52am

Kajimoto Laboratory of Japan has created a device that lets let you “French kiss” someone over the Internet. You put a plastic tube in your mouth and manipulate it with your tongue, then the program stores the movements and transmits to them to your recipient, wiggling the plastic tube in their mouth. Lovers will be able to trade long distance kisses, stars can send kisses to all their fans, and anyone who buys this will be able to bend over and insert the device so Kajimoto Laboratory can virtually do to them what it actually did when it convinced them to buy one.

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Osama bin Gotten

May 2nd, 2011 — 9:25am

At long last, Osama bin Laden is dead. People are cheering in the streets, the stock market is up, and Donald Trump is demanding to see his birth certificate.

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