Archive for March 2012

Smells Like Holy Spirit

March 15th, 2012 — 12:26pm

Pope Benedict, already known for his tailor-made red shoes and panama hat, has asked Italian perfume maker Silvana Casoli to create a custom scent just for him.  While a “pact of secrecy” forbids Casoli from telling what ingredients are in the fragrance, she did say the cologne is “based on his love of nature” and includes frankincense, myrrh, and lots of bullshit.

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The Opportunity Of A Lifetime

March 14th, 2012 — 10:51am

Deputy Inspector General of Police Haruna John, who led Nigeria’s national police operations, and three other police officials died in a police helicopter crash on Wednesday. An official said:

“Upon the sudden and tragic death of Haruna John, there has been an intensive but secret exercise by the present civilian government to close/freeze all his bank accounts both home and abroad as he was confirmed to have directed  a certain percentage of oil proceeds totalling over US$ 500M (FIVE HUNDRED MILLION U. S. DOLLARS) into private bank accounts scattered in several countries of the world; accumulated during his 41/2 years of military rule. An issue that  was already  on press before his sudden death.

Since this exercise started few month ago, my client who is still in confinement has been in a very serious agony and mental stress as the entire family have virtually lost every including landed properties and major investments both home and aborad.

Luckily, there happens to be a special security account which my client deposited a sum of US$ 51, 357, 000. 00 (FIFTY ONE MILLION, THREE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY FIVE THOUSAND U. S DOLLARS). This fund in my company_s name  and is lodged in a Company Security Account Deposits (CSAD) with a West African Sub- Regional Bank. The fear there is that my client is one of the directors and invariably a major shareholder in the company, there exists  a possible trace of this fund when once they finish with the accounts/assets principally owned by her husband, the Late Head of State himself…”

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How Do You Say Santorum In French Again?

March 8th, 2012 — 11:19am

French president Nicolas Sarkozy, who’s running for re-election, says halal meat—the ritual way of killing animals by Muslims for human consumption—is the French people’s major concern and number one topic of conversation. Not the tanked economy. Not record unemployment. Not whether McDonald’s new McBaguette sandwich means the end of civilization as we know it. Somewhere on the American campaign trail Rick Santorum is pissed he didn’t think of it first.

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You Don’t Buy Beer, You Recycle It

March 7th, 2012 — 2:14pm

Coors Zima Lite Iced TeaThe Wall Street Journal reports that Molson Coors is launching Coors Light Iced T, a citrusy iced-tea flavored beer. And to think, it only took them four years to figure out what to do with all that backstock of Zima they had sitting in the warehouse since they discontinued it.





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Lies, Damned Lies, And Lying About Statistics

March 6th, 2012 — 10:43am

As many as 1,000 drunk driving convictions could be thrown out in San Francisco after it was discovered that police logs claimed every breathalyzer calibration test since 2010 came out perfect. According to Public Defender Jeff Adachi at least some of the readings should have been off, meaning the machines would need to be re-calibrated. “It would be mathematically impossible for that to occur,” he said. Maybe Adachi needs to go back and retake Statistics 101, at least at United Nations University. Yesterday a UN-appointed Commission of Inquiry on Libya found that all 18,000 NATO bombing strikes in Libya were aimed at “legitimate military sites,” and if that’s statistically possible, anything is.


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