Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow aren’t a couple anymore. Their announcement said, “We both have a deep love and respect for each other, and we ask that everyone respect our privacy during this very difficult time.” When Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson called it quits their statement said, “This is the mutual decision of two people with an enormous amount of respect and admiration for each other. We hope that you respect our privacy during this difficult time.” As they say, a publicity agent’s boilerplate statement is the sincerest form of flattery.

Dave Chappelle went on The Oprah Winfrey Show today to say that the reason he abandoned his hit Comedy Central show during production last spring and took off for South Africa was because he was stressed out and “felt like some kind of prostitute.” He later admitted that he was embellishing the details to make the story of his leaving a $50 million paycheck behind to go back to stand-up comedy more compelling, and that it’s still a story of suffering and redemption with narrative mattering more than truth.

Any time you think President Bush’s speeches sound like a broken record – “Terrorists! September 11! That Al Qaidaa guy!” – be grateful you don’t live in Albania. Okay, for more reasons than just this, but still. After Prime Minister Sali Berisha gave a speech last week on energy policy, Top Channel television noticed that three paragraphs were almost identical to a speech his predecessor, Fatos Nano, gave three years ago. Filled with phrases like “solving the system of equations,” no one understood it any better, or cared any more, now than they did the first time.

In his State of the Union address, President Bush said his priorities are to defeat the enemy, boost science, and find new fuels. Research grants will be available starting Monday to discover ways to efficiently convert terrorists into energy to heat homes.