As part of the San Bruno, California, gas pipeline disaster, it’s been discovered that for years Pacific Gas and Electric Company employees filled out important maintenance documents using erasable ink. “We didn’t have a choice,” a company spokesman explained. “Office Depot was out of invisible ink and our guidelines say writing with milk or lemon juice isn’t allowed.”
Scientists have figured out what’s been causing an increase in cases of leprosy in the southern United States, and it turns out to be handling and eating nine-banded armadillos. Leprosy, more correctly known as Hansen’s disease, can cause a loss of feeling in the fingers and toes that leads to deformity, disability, and the creation of fluffy Mmmmmmmmm Bop pop music by mop-headed pre-Justin Biebers who have one hit and then vanish to the great relief of humanity.
At a press conference this morning, President Barack Obama released a detailed Hawaii birth certificate saying, “We do not have time for this kind of silliness” and telling Republicans that it’s time to move on to bigger issues. Donald Trump quickly agreed, demanding that the President produce a lease agreement for the White House proving that he and his family are residing there legally.
President Barack Obama held a town hall meeting at Facebook’s headquarters in Palo Alto, California, today. During his appearance he was Liked 345,926 times, poked 5,234,987 times, invited to play Farmville 8,978,253 times, and had three good ideas stolen by Mark Zuckerberg.
According to a segment on 60 Minutes, Greg Mortenson’s book Three Cups of Tea is one cup short of reality. After exposing one questionable aspect after another, the show featured John Krakauer, author of Into the Wild and In Thin Air, saying that Mortenson’s book “is a beautiful story, and it’s a lie.” Mortenson refused to comment, but in his defense author James Frey said, “Three cups, two cups, a million little pieces of cups. Come on, it’s not like numbers and math are an accurate science or anything.” Jayson Blair added, “Hey, he’s just putting the fiction back in non-fiction. What’s so wrong with that?”
The United States Postal Service released a forever stamp in December with the Statue of Liberty on it. Unfortunately it’s not the real Statue of Liberty. The design is actually based on the statue that stands outside the New York-New York casino in Las Vegas, not the one in the Hudson River. In further checking, it turns out the Washington Monument stamp was actually based on a photograph of Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington, the Lincoln Memorial stamp features a Lincoln Town Car by mistake, and the American flag looks suspiciously like Fannie Flagg.
The Phallological Museum in Husavik, Iceland, has a—shall we say, huge—collection of phalluses from whales, seals, bears and other mammals, including a 67-inch sperm whale penis and lampshades made from bull testicles. But what they were sorely lacking was a human penis. Until now, that is. Last week they received a donation from Pall Arason, a former tourism worker who died recently at age 95, and immediately put his donation on display. I know there’s a limerick here somewhere. How about: “There once was a man from Husavik, who claimed that he had a superb….”
Now that they’ve scrapped the five-color terror alert system, the Department of Homeland Security has had to put together a plan outlining how they’ll let us know about terror alerts from now on. According to draft documents, these alerts may be sent out using Facebook and Twitter “when appropriate,” but only after federal, state and local government leaders have been notified. By, uh, text message? Remember, be safe. Don’t drive and check your terror alerts!
Female workers are refusing to sit in a receptionist’s chair at the Best Western Moore Place Hotel in Milton Keys, UK, calling it the “fertility chair” because seven women have become pregnant after sitting in it. It began as a joke but, according to General manager Giles Shaw, “Now it’s just so surreal because it’s happening every time.” As Dr. Hippocrates (Eugene Schoenfeld) wrote in a column years ago when asked if you can get STDs from a toilet seat, “It depends on what you do on the toilet seat.”
Thirteen states now have so-called “bring your gun to work” laws that bar employers from telling workers they can’t have guns in their cars or in some states, in the building. This has led to some new special days at work, including “Have Your Daughter Bring Your Gun to Work Day,” “Bring Your Daughter’s Gun to Work Day,” and “Go Ahead, Tell Me I’m Fired Day.”
