According to the Korean Central News Agency, a North Korean military official stated that, “We have had the capability of miniaturizing nuclear warheads, as well as producing multiform weapons, for some time.” When asked to comment on this breakthrough, leader Kim Jong Un said, “It’s very exciting. We can put them in our pockets with our loose change, keep one on our keychains, and even pull the eraser out of a pencil and put a teeny tiny nuclear warhead in it. I’m just saying.”

Jeb Bush yesterday backpedaled once again when asked about whether the U.S. should have gotten involved in his older brother’s war in Iraq, “Knowing what we know now, I would not have engaged. I would not have gone into Iraq.” When asked for a comment about his sons, George H. Bush, said, “Knowing what we know now, I would have gotten a vasectomy on my wedding night.”