Boeing has come up with an innovative design change for the interior of their new 737 jets–they’re moving the service call button away from the reading light button and making it look distinctive, which will save flight attendants footsteps and passengers embarrassment. The company hasn’t said how much money they spent researching this change that every passenger who’s ridden on one of the planes since they were put into service in 1967 knew within minutes of sitting down.

 A study published in the Journal of Social, Evolutionary, and Cultural Psychology found that when people tried to do subtraction problems while listening to an infant crying, regular speech, silence, whining, a high-pitched table saw, and the exaggerated baby talk parents are so fond of doing, a child whining was more distracting and annoying than any of the others, even for non-parents. “You’re basically doing less work and doing it worse,” study co-author Rosemarie Sokol Chang, a professor of psychology at SUNY New Paltz, whined. That’s why they invented earplugs, isn’t it? And wine without the “h”.

It seems they do all look alike after all. Presidents, that is. At least to Google they do. Google launched a beta of their image search, where you can upload a photo and it will try to identify it, then find other related photos. When the multimedia editor at MSNBC tried it, he uploaded a photo of President Barack Obama. Google took a look and said, “Best guess for this image: george w bush.” Does this make Google color blind? Or just blind?

Sean Murphy of South Yorkshire, England, had a wart on the middle finger of his left hand for five years. He tried creams, ointments and doctors but, alas, it wouldn’t go away. So he took matters into his own hands. Literally. He drank several pints of beer for an anaesthetic, then aimed a 12-gauge shotgun at the wart. “‘The wart was gone and so was most of my finger,” he said. He received a 16-week suspended sentence for illegal possession of a firearm, has to complete 100 hours of unpaid community work, paid court costs of $161, and will have to flip people off with his right hand from now on.

Scientists in China have inserted human genes into cloned cow embryos which were then implanted into surrogate cows, the result being dairy cows that produce human breast milk. The researchers at China’s Agricultural University in Beijing say the milk should be available in supermarkets within three years and expect it will sell well because it’s more nutritious than cow’s milk, tastes sweeter, and has less melamine than what Chinese shoppers usually find in the dairy case.

The gay Syrian-American woman who wrote the popular blog “A Gay Girl in Damascus” and was supposedly kidnapped last week has turned out to be an American man from Georgia who wrote the blog as a lark. Tom MacMaster posted an apology on the blog, has agreed to shut it down, and insisted that he has nothing to do with the blogs “Incredibly Stupid U.S. Representative from New York,” “Bottom-feeder Former Vice-Presidential Candidate from North Carolina,” or “No Moammar, Don’t Tripoli On The Way Out The Door.”

Two months after the Sydney Morning Herald filed a Freedom of Information request asking the Australian Department of Defense to release all materials “which relate to unidentified flying objects,” they were informed that only one file could be found and the others had been destroyed. Or beamed up. Or abducted so they could have transponders implanted in them and return to mutilate cattle. Where’s Fox Mulder when we need him? Oh that’s right, he’s in reruns.

The World Health Organization (WHO?) says radiation from cell phones can possibly cause cancer and puts using a mobile phone in the same “carcinogenic hazard” category as lead, engine exhaust, and chloroform. Call me if you want to chat about this and cancer treatments.

The for past two years Laurel Gordon of Elma, Washington, has been promoting milk products as Grays Harbor County’s dairy ambassador and hopes to be crowned Washington state dairy ambassador in June, this despite the fact that she’s lactose intolerant and has to drink soy milk. Future ambitions include running her family dairy farm and being crowned Miss Irony.

A new book claims to have the truth about the famous “Roswell Incident,” in which the U.S. government found and captured a UFO. Or weather balloon depending on who’s story you believe. In Area 51: An Uncensored History of America’s Top Secret Military Base, journalist Annie Jacobsen says it wasn’t a UFO or a weather balloon at all, but rather an experimental Russian spacecraft piloted by “grotesque, child-size aviators” developed in human experiments by none other than Josef Mengele. The cryogenically preserved bodies were supposed to have gone to heaven on May 21 at 6:00 pm but alas, that didn’t happen either.

Officials at the National Transportation Safety Board are investigating what they call a “potential conflict” between two planes at O’Hare International Airport on Monday. Apparently an ExpressJet plane that was taking off dipped its wings at a SkyWest jet that was preparing to land. The Sky West plane took offense and made a comment about the ExpressJet’s mama, causing the SkyWest jet to bitch slap it and use an aviation slur. A 747 and DC10 managed to pull them apart before it could escalate and no birds were harmed by being sucked into anyone’s engine.

Apparently there’s no Austrian translation for “Don’t shit where you eat.”

A couple in Israel wanted a unique name for their new baby girl so they chose Like. As in Facebook Like. It might have been because she’s cute as a button. Or perhaps there were already too many Tweets on the block.  Or maybe YouTube Adler just didn’t sound like someone who would grow up to be a lawyer, doctor, or government leader. Regardless, let’s give a big thumbs up to Like!

A Bulgarian man walked into a supermarket on the island of Tenerife in the Canary Islands and randomly attacked a woman, cutting off her head and running away with it before security guards and police arrested him. The voice said to get a head of lettuce, you dolt, not “let us get a head.”

Due to the increased price of coffee beans and the country’s economic crunch, the Cuban government has decided that the coffee citizens get for their monthly ration coupon will be blended with peas. This is nothing new, as they did this for years, but in 2005 they actually started handing out pure coffee. It makes economic sense since coffee prices have risen 69% to $2,904 a ton while peas have only climbed 30% to $500 a ton. Hopefully the trade ministry won’t realize that dryer lint is abundant and free.

Kajimoto Laboratory of Japan has created a device that lets let you “French kiss” someone over the Internet. You put a plastic tube in your mouth and manipulate it with your tongue, then the program stores the movements and transmits to them to your recipient, wiggling the plastic tube in their mouth. Lovers will be able to trade long distance kisses, stars can send kisses to all their fans, and anyone who buys this will be able to bend over and insert the device so Kajimoto Laboratory can virtually do to them what it actually did when it convinced them to buy one.

At long last, Osama bin Laden is dead. People are cheering in the streets, the stock market is up, and Donald Trump is demanding to see his birth certificate.

As part of the San Bruno, California, gas pipeline disaster, it’s been discovered that for years Pacific Gas and Electric Company employees filled out important maintenance documents using erasable ink. “We didn’t have a choice,” a company spokesman explained. “Office Depot was out of invisible ink and our guidelines say writing with milk or lemon juice isn’t allowed.”

Scientists have figured out what’s been causing an increase in cases of leprosy in the southern United States, and it turns out to be handling and eating nine-banded armadillos.  Leprosy, more correctly known as Hansen’s disease, can cause a loss of feeling in the fingers and toes that leads to deformity, disability, and the creation of fluffy Mmmmmmmmm Bop pop music by mop-headed pre-Justin Biebers who have one hit and then vanish to the great relief of humanity.