Archive for July 2006

You May Be Beautiful, But He’s Annoying

July 31st, 2006 — 10:26am

A survey by a health drink company found that the thing Brits find most annoying is telemarketers, followed by cars hauling vacation trailers, people who cut in line, and James “You’re Beautiful” Blunt, who ranked 22 places more obnoxious than stepping in dog crap, thus proving that it’s not necessarily good to be at the top of all the charts.

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Eye Luv Spel Chekerz

July 28th, 2006 — 4:19pm

TextTrust, a company that sells software which scours Web sites for spelling mistakes, had to send out a revised press release the other day after the first version listed the most common spelling errors on “the 16 million we (sic) pages it has spell checked over the past year.” How do you spell “whoops!” again?

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Want To Put That Hotel On Your Debit Card?

July 27th, 2006 — 2:39pm

A British version of Monopoly was released this week using a Visa-imprinted debit card instead of the traditional play money. Players type the amount owed into a palm-sized scanner, then swipe their debit cards. A spokesman says, “We started looking at what Monopoly would look like if we designed it today. We noticed consumers are using debit cards, carrying around cash a lot less.” Not to mention that back when the game was invented making money from commercial tie-ins with credit card companies wasn’t possible. The next American version could follow suit, with other changes including having condos for sale instead of houses, a moving sidewalk instead of Boardwalk, and Mr. Moneybags morphing into Bill Gates.

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Mr. Cellphone Sez: You Turn Me On

July 25th, 2006 — 8:42pm

A survey conducted by the London School of Economics found that six out of seven cellphone users in England keep their phone turned on during sex in case they get a text message. They’re probably just waiting for directions to Position #142 to download.

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The Perfect Man…I Mean, Passenger

July 25th, 2006 — 10:31am

A company in England is releasing the “Buddy on Demand,” a blow-up male doll that’s designed to sit in the passenger seat and make a woman feel less nervous about driving alone at night. He fits in the glove compartment and inflates with the flick of a switch. When he’s not needed anymore, just pull the plug and he deflates. As if that doesn’t already make him the perfect man, remember that he also doesn’t talk back, won’t tell you how to drive, never burps and scratches his stomach, and won’t lie by saying your butt doesn’t look fat in those pants when you know otherwise. On the downside, however, he still won’t ask for directions if you’re lost.

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Take One And Hopefully You Can Call Me In The Morning

July 24th, 2006 — 10:18am

A report released by the Institute of Medicine concludes that “Mistakes in giving drugs are so prevalent in hospitals that, on average, a patient will be subjected to a medication error each day he or she fills a hospital bed.” To help keep this from happening to you, if you do have to go into the hospital, stay there at night and leave during the day.

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Liable Is Never Having To Say You’re Sorry

July 21st, 2006 — 10:02am

This past week the British edition of the National Enquirer apologized twice, once to Britney for claiming she was ready to divorce husband Kevin Federline, and the other to Kate Hudson for saying her mother, Goldie Hawn, was ready to confront her about being “way too thin” and looking “like skin and bones.” They also apologized for caring what Suri looks like, printing unflattering photographs of Kirstie Alley, the Holocaust, Apartheid, American slavery, the movie version of Bewitched, and the invention of Hawaiian Pizza.

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Presidential Firsts – A Quiz

July 20th, 2006 — 10:02am

For the first time since taking office, President Bush this week:
[ ] Spoke to an NAACP convention
[ ] Vetoed a bill
[ ] Gave German Chancellor Angela Merkel a neck rub
[ ] Remarked, “Russia’s big and so’s China.”
[ ] Embarrassed his country
[X] All of the Above

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Does Advertising Cause Barfing Or Vice Versa?

July 19th, 2006 — 10:17am

US Airways was the first to put advertisements on tray tables, offer gift cards, and sell in-flight meals. In their never-ending quest to beat everyone to the punch and make the cabin look like the outside of a NASCAR car, they’ve announced that they’ll start plastering ads on their barf — I mean, air-sickness — bags as of September. Potential advertisers include Dramamine, the release of the director’s cut of Pink Flamingos, the Jackson Pollack retrospective at MOMA, and Amtrak . It’s enough to make you sick.

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They Shoulda Known Better

July 18th, 2006 — 9:37am

First, the commander of the Utah Highway Patrol’s DUI unit was cited for driving under the influence of alcohol after he crashed his unmarked police car into a concrete barrier. Then Peter Coors, the head of the beer company that includes his name, had his driver’s license revoked because of a DUI he received in May. What next? Bill Ford arrested for speeding? The head of DARE arrested on drug charges? Mr. Peanut diagnosed with an allergy to peanuts?

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Run Away! It’s Barry Manilow!

July 17th, 2006 — 9:41am

Convenience stores have used classical music to keep riff-raff away from their parking lots. The U.S. Military played AC/DC and Jethro Tull to flush Manuel Noriega out of the Vatican Embassy in Panama. And the ATF played hard rock, Tibetan chants, and the sound of rabbits being slaughtered hoping to get David Koresh to leave his compound. Now in the Australian town of Rockdale they’re using a new, gross, nerve-wracking, inhumane tactic — they’re playing Barry Manilow’s greatest hits real loud hoping it will drive away car enthusiasts who gather at a local park on weekend nights. Where’s Amnesty International, Human Rights Watch, the U.N., and Angelina Jolie when they’re really needed?

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Between A Rolling Rock And A Harder Place

July 15th, 2006 — 12:20pm

Anheuser-Busch, which bought Rolling Rock beer from the Latrobe Brewing Company six months ago, says they’ll be making it in Newark, NJ, from now on, using local water rather than the traditional fresh mountain springs of Latrobe, PA. They say the beer will taste the same, the label will look the same, and the name will remain, but only because Rolling Spewing Smokestacks doesn’t have a good ring. When in the area, be sure to take Exit 15E off the New Jersey Turnpike and visit the fresh mountain springs brewing facility.

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And You Thought Star Trek Was Corny?

July 14th, 2006 — 10:28am

Tom Pearcy of York, England wanted to do something to celebrate the 40th anniversary of his favorite TV show, Star Trek, so he did what any good fan would do — he created a giant maze in a cornfield dedicated to the program. It features images of Mr. Spock and the spaceship USS Enterprise, and uses 1.5 million corn plants. It’s safe to say Pearcy should get a…oh…that is a hobby.

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Covering Our Assets

July 13th, 2006 — 10:05am

The New York Times reports that the National Asset Database, which is what the Department of Homeland Security uses to catalog potential terrorist targets, lists more potential targets in Indiana than New York. In fact, Indiana has nearly as many as New York and California combined. Potential targets around the country include the Mule Day Parade in Columbia, TN, Old MacDonald’s Petting Zoo in Woodville, AL, and Amish Country Popcorn in Berne, IN. The Statue of Liberty, however, isn’t on the list.

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I Cannot Tell A Truth

July 12th, 2006 — 9:01am

In an Associated Press-Ipsos poll released yesterday, 52% of the respondents said lying was never justified. Interestingly, 65% said it’s okay to lie in certain situations, such as if it will protect someone’s feelings. In other words, at least 16.6% of the people who responded to the survey were lying. And that’s the truth.

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Throwing One’s Turban Into The Ring

July 11th, 2006 — 9:58am

Mayor Dhari Abdul Hadi al-Irssan of Fallujah, Iraq has endorsed Republican James Haldeman in his run for the Rhode Island Legislature, even going as far as saying he’d support Haldeman if he chose to run for president. At least when Iraqis stick their noses in our politics they don’t level city blocks in the process.

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If You Can’t Beat The Heat, Eat It

July 10th, 2006 — 10:11am

An ice cream store in North Carolina has a hot new flavor – Cold Sweat. Made with three kinds of pepper and two kinds of hot sauce, customers have to sign a waiver before tasting it. If you want to try it you’d better hurry, the owner says he may not make another batch. Gee, I wonder why not?

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Dress For Suck-cess

July 9th, 2006 — 11:30am

Experts say that wearing flip-flops to work could be hazardous to your career because it gives the boss the wrong impression. If this is startling news to you, please note that halter tops, cut-off shorts, sleeveless Def Leppard T-shirts, Jose Cuervo sun visors, and anything that shows butt crack — no matter how far you lean over — might also be deemed inappropriate for the office. Unless, of course, you work at a company that has the word “Bubba’s” in its name.

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It’s All In How You Look At It

July 7th, 2006 — 9:28pm

In an interview with Larry King the other night, President Bush said, “When history looks back, I’d rather be judged as solving problems and being correct, rather than being popular.” Or, he might be known as a two-time loser.

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What’s Wrong With Bob?

July 7th, 2006 — 7:57am

After 19 years of being taunted and ridiculed, a Vietnamese boy has finally convinced his father to let him change his name.

Mai Phat Sau Nghin Ruoi, whose name means “Fined Six Thousand and Five Hundred,” got the moniker because that’s the amount his father had to pay for ignoring Vietnam’s two-child policy.

After considering “One Day Dad’s Going To Regret Saddling Me With His Problems”, “Mikey”, and “John Wayne Gacy, Jr,” they settled on Mai Hoang Long, which means golden dragon. Win-win: the name is great and the boy still has no need in getting Vietnam visa.

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