A. Sign up for the local Adopt-A-Highway program outside Salem, OR like the American Nazi Party did. You get your own green signs, orange litter bags, and all the white trash you care to collect from your clubhouse.

B. Offer to share your bottle of fish wine from the Dalian Fisherman’s Song Maritime Biological Brewery in China, a company that plans to “clean, boil, and ferment fish for making wine.” A 40-ounce bottle wrapped in a paper bag, of course.

C. Go to Disneyland, because it will be filled with losers instead of winners. For the first time in 20 years someone from the winning Super Bowl team won’t shout, “I’m going to Disney World!” for a TV commercial. Maybe they’re going to Oregon with a bottle of fish wine.

D. All of the above

E. True.