Martha Stewart’s on the cover of the March 7 Newsweek looking, well, svelte and rested. And well she should since the body isn’t hers, but rather a model’s. Tucked away on Page 3 the magazine confesses: “Cover: Photo illustration by Michael Elins … head shot by Marc Bryan-Brown.” And to think, when she gets out she’s going to have her own reality show.

One-time Olympic figure skater Tonya Harding, better known for having rival Nancy Kerrigan kneecapped — I mean, grossing us out with her wedding night videos — I mean, beating Paula Jones on Celebrity Boxing — is set to wrestle Daisy D, a 135-lb transvestite, on March 10 in Ft. Lauderdale. Somewhere in Portland, OR a guidance counselor is preparing to jump off the roof of the high school.