Put away all those delicious, healthy, dark chocolate Santas everyone gave you because they’re supposed to be good for you. In spite of reports that dark chocolate can lower blood pressure, is rich in antioxidants, and can raise good cholesterol levels, British medical journal The Lancet says there’s a catch. It turns out some manufacturers remove the flavanols that give you the health benefits because they’re bitter. Not only that, but the fat, sugar, and calories you take in means that to get any health benefit you’d have to cut calories and eat less of other foods. If you’re smart you’ll just stick to flax seed and red wine.

An article in the British Medical Journal lists seven bits of medical knowledge that many doctors believe to be true but are in fact myths, including that we should drink at least eight glasses of water a day, reading in dim light ruins your eyesight, and hair and fingernails continue to grow after you die. The article doesn’t mention anything about your eyes sticking if you cross them too often or reasons hair may grow on your palms, so be careful, there may be something to those.

If you believe the Asbury Park Press, Santa’s reindeer are female. It goes like this: the Alaska Department of Fish and Game says male reindeer shed their antlers long before Dec. 25, while females keep theirs until at least January. Since Santa’s reindeer are always shown to have antlers, it indicates they’re female. Which is good news since that means if they get lost they’ll stop and ask for directions to your house. The moral? Believe in Santa. And in transsexual reindeer. And have a happy holiday.

When asked to explain why he had a meeting with the Dalai Lama in his office, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper said, “I meet everyone in my office. I don’t know why I would sneak off to a hotel room just to meet the Dalai Lama. You know, he’s not a call girl.” Hopefully he found that out before kneeling in front of the spiritual leader, offering him $50, and asking if he liked going around the world.

The Executive Chef at the Westin Hotel in Times Square has come up with the ultimate breakfast bagel — it’s topped with Alba white truffle cream cheese and goji berry infused Riesling jelly with golden leaves. It’s only available through Dec. 14, must be ordered 24-hours in advance, and will set you back $1,000 (tax and gratuity included, thank God). Security guard for take-out orders extra. To order, call 212-201-2776.

An Italian court has ruled that a couple shouldn’t have named their son “Friday”and ordered that he be called Gregory from now on. It turns out you can’t give your child a “ridiculous or shameful” first name in Italy and the court thinks naming a child after a fictional servant and unlucky day is just wrong. Good thing Shia LaBeouf was born in LA.

President George Bush, intrigued by a checkout scanner at the National Grocers Association conference in 1992, said he was “amazed by some of the technology.”

His son, President George W. Bush, speaking on Dec 17, 2007 in Fredericksburg, VA, a city in a country where 47 million Americans don’t have health care coverage: “I’m going to tell you something—we have fabulous health care in America, just so you know.”

Sometimes it’s just not appropriate to keep a loved one’s remains in an Atlanta Braves funeral urn or a Star Trek casket. That’s why it’s good to know you can have a teardrop-eyed child on one with the Precious Moments® funeral urn or coffin. Voted “Most Inappropriate Line Extension” by the readers of BrandWeek! Can Margaret Keene Toe Tags and Thomas Kinkade Body Bags be far behind?

Supporters of South Korean presidential candidate Lee Myung-bak have been secretly spraying a perfume called “Great Korea” at his rallies. On Election Day they’ll go to voting booths around the country and spray it there. “It will remind people of the identity of Lee Myung-bak,” a representative of Lee’s Grand National Party said. “The concept of the perfume is hope, victory and passion.” Maybe, but like a scent strip in a magazine, it still stinks.

A correction appeared in Boston University’s newspaper, The Daily Free Press:

In a news story Friday (“Spectrum holds Condom Olympics to educate on safe sex,” page 3), it was incorrectly stated due to a reporting error that health and wellness educator Beth Grampetro and Tim Hegan, an ORL area director, said Fruit Roll-Ups are adequate protection against STDs.

Of course it depends on what you do with the Fruit Roll-Ups.

Each year Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary chooses a Word of the Year. Last year it was “truthiness.” This year the editors chose “w00t,” a combination of letters and numbers used by online gamers when they want to show joy or triumph. As in “w00t! Merriam-Webster sounds like my grandmother saying, ‘Wassup, homey? That bling-bling makes you like like a playah. Out!’.” Maybe next year they’ll choose “WTF?”

Just on time for cold and flu season, a microbiologist at the University of Idaho says we’re not made up of sugar, spice, snails, puppy dog tails, or even mostly human cells for that matter. According to an article in Scientific American, our body contains 10 times as many bacterial cells as human ones, enough to fill a half-gallon container. Yum! Makes you want to buy stock in Purell Instant Hand Sanitizer, doesn’t it?

Q: What does a chocolate-covered ice cream cone have in common with a new athletic protective cup?

A: One is covered with crushed nuts, the other tries to keep you from having them while begging for a trademark infringement lawsuit.

At a press conference yesterday, President Bush offered advice to homeowners who are struggling with their mortgage payments, “The best you can do for your family is to call 1-800-995-HOPE.” If you call that number, however, you’ll get connected to a group that offers religious-based curriculum for home schooling, not mortgage advice. Unfortunately their course listing doesn’t include Reading From a Teleprompter 101. The actual phone number is 1-888-995-HOPE.

Microsoft killed Santa Claus. It’s true. Their automated IM Santa has been gagged for good, probably with a ball gag considering the way he was talking. Promoted as a way for kids to chat with Santa using Windows Live Messenger (ID: northpole@live.com), Santa would innocuously ask what the child wanted for Christmas. But The Register reported that when Santa was asked if he wanted pizza he replied, “You want me to eat what?!? It’s fun to talk about oral sex, but I want to chat about something else.” The caller and Santa ended up calling each other a “dirty bastard” and then signed off. Must be all that seasonal talk about stockings and Ho Ho Hos and Christmas balls getting to the old guy. Please, someone remind Microsoft about the second word in “artificial intelligence.”

Preparing to hear a court case in which a Chinese man is accused of counterfeiting Disney products, a court in Naples sent a summons to each witnesses who is being ordered to appear in court to testify, including Titty, Paperino, Paperina, Topolino. Unfortunately they won’t be appearing, since those are the Italian names for Tweety, Donald Duck, Daisy Duck, and Mickey Mouse. Now that’s Pippo! I mean, Goofy.

China is being accused of counterfeiting again. Some people say the photo supposedly taken by the country’s Chang’e 1 lunar probe is actually a very good copy of one taken by NASA back in 2005. They do look a lot alike. At least until you examine China’s closely and see the cheap paper its printed on, the misspelled logo, and the lead paint.

Scientists at Kyoto University report that 5-year-old chimpanzees have better short-term memory than college students. Once the chimps get older and learn to enjoy weekend binge drinking, recreational drugs, and staying up all night drinking Red Bull while listening to AFI and pretending to study, the difference levels out.

A man who wore what he said was an explosive device took over a New Hampshire campaign office of Sen. Hillary Clinton on Friday, then surrendered after a six-hour standoff. According to Associated Press, “Not long after the surrender, police maneuvered a robot to the hostage-taker’s package and triggered an explosion to destroy it.” Ouch! What ever happened to receiving a fair trial before receiving your punishment?

If you’re in the Westminster part of London, which includes the West End, Big Ben, and Parliament, and need to find a bathroom, just text the word “toilet” to 80097 and you will be texted back with the location and of the nearest public toilet. The text will cost about 50 cents but the toilet’s free. Westminster City Council started the service, called “SatLav,” because they’re tired of the 10,000 gallons of urine they say people leave in the area’s alleys and streets each year. Don’t ask how they measured that.