A survey of college students’ civic literacy found that nearly 20% of those polled thought Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech was advocating the abolition of slavery. Hey, it’s not easy keeping Abraham, Martin, and John straight, you know. Interestingly, 22% thought President’s Day honors George Bush, 43% said Labor Day celebrates pregnant mothers, and 37% said Christmas is the day Santa Claus was born in a manger made of pine trees and blinking lights.

Are you tired of going to the baseball game and not being able to get all the hot dogs you can stuff in your mouth without paying out the yin-yang? Head to Dodger Stadium, where next year the right-field pavilion will be converted into an all-you-can-eat section for 3,000 fans. For $35 in advance and $40 the day of the game, you can pig out on as many hot dogs, peanuts, popcorn, nachos and sodas as you want. Unfortunately some items — like beer, ice cream, and candy — aren’t included in the deal. Of course if you’re cheap — or not hungry — you can get equivalent left-field seats for only $10. Batter up! The onion rings, that is.

A study by an industrial psychologist at the University of Calgary found that 26% of Americans consider themselves to be chronic procrastinators, people who procrastinate tend to be less healthy, wealthy and happy, and that men are worse procrastinators than women. The research project was supposed to take five years but was just published in this month’s Psychological Bulletin. Five years late.

While chatting between morning television interviews today, an open microphone caught Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice praising Fox News network’s correspondents. She said, “My Fox guys, I love every single one of them.” *sigh* And they like you too, Condie. Very much.

A couple of months ago the Agriculture Department decided not to use the word “hunger” when describing people who can’t afford to put food on the table. To ensure that you don’t embarrass yourself in front of friends who have full stomachs and drinks in their hands, the official term now is that a person has “very low food security.” Someone issue those people food locks, quickly! Add this to the government’s recent adoption of surge (as in “we need a troop surge to beat the inSURGEnts”) and Homeland Security Adviser Fran Townsend’s description of our not capturing Osama bin Laden not as a failure but as “a success that hasn’t occurred yet.” Somewhere, George Orwell is smiling smugly.

All day Monday New York City was blanketed with a gas-like odor. Officials said it wasn’t harmful and there was no terrorism involved, though a few buildings were evacuated, PATH trains into the city were shut down for a while, and about a dozen people were hospitalized with breathing problems. Officials originally suspected the odor was caused by mercaptan, the chemical added to natural gas to give it a detectable smell, but today they changed their minds. Now they say it drifted across the Hudson River from the Garden State. New Jersey officials are pooh-poohing the idea, so to speak, asserting that “He who smelt it, dealt it.”

The American Dialect Society chose their 2006 Word of the Year: Plutoed. As in “to demote or devalue someone or something,” much like the former planet’s fate last year. It beat out murse (a man’s purse), flog (a fake blog that promotes products), the decider (an unintelligent leader), and macaca (an American citizen treated as an alien, or a good way to lose an election). Last year’s top word was “truthiness,” which coincidentally was chosen by dictionary publisher Merriam-Webster as this year’s word of the year. Next year the dictionary will probably choose “obsolate” (behind the times and out of touch) as their word of the year.

After six years as chairman and chief executive of Home Depot, Robert Nardelli resigned on Wednesday, walking away with about $210 million in severance pay, not to mention the $119.2 million he made last year in salary and bonus. Oh yeah, and his stock options. The severance pay alone comes to $575,342.46 for each day he doesn’t work during the coming year. Well, assuming he doesn’t work seven days a week. Heck, for that kind of money, I’d quit too.

At the end of his meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel at the White House yesterday, George Bush smiled and said, “No back rubs,” in reference to the unwanted neck massage he gave her at the Group of Eight summit last July. According to Reuters, Merkel “smiled sheepishly in response.” Of course he didn’t promise not to massage her feet, give her a Reiki treatment, or bomb Dresden again if our troops need something to do after they come home from Iraq and get bored.

According to FBI files that were made public yesterday, former Chief Justice William Rehnquist was addicted to painkillers for 10 years while an associate justice and, when hospitalized so he could detox, suffered hallucinations, heard voices, imagined that the CIA was plotting against him, and even tried to escape the hospital in his pajamas. Ah, those were the good years. While Rehnquist was taking Placidyl, back at the White House Richard Nixon was having late night talks with paintings of the presidents, Charles Colson was talking to god, and apparently everyone was talking to J. Edgar Hoover.

Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate® Dictionary has come kicking and screaming into the 21st century. The new update contains listing for nearly 100 “new” words, including gastric bypass, ringtone, soul patch, supersize, unibrow, and yes, drama queen. Looks like it’s time to stay fat, shave your facial hair, and call your friends to tell them about it. With lots of emotional flair, of course.

*noun: a person given to often excessively emotional performances or reactions

A group of United Airlines employees, including some pilots, claim they saw a mysterious, spinning, saucer-shaped craft hover over O’Hare Airport last fall before it shot up through the clouds. Neither United Airlines nor the Federal Aviation Administration is investigating. The group also reporting having seen peace break out in the Middle East, Eminem and Kim Mathers get married for a third time, and Jimmy Hoffa sipping a Frappuccino at the Starbucks in Terminal 3. Those aren’t being investigated either, except by the tabloids.

Following tradition, Queen Elizabeth II has released her New Year’s Honors List. Among those honored with knighthood and other awards that allow you to put initials like MBE and CBE after your name were pianist George Shearing, writer Michael Holroyd, actress Penelope Keith, Rod Stewart, and George Bell, a Scot who retired in August after having delivered milk for 34 years in the village of Gullane. Actually he won’t be called “Sir” since he only received the MBE, but hey, it’s cooler than a gold watch.

A 21-year-old German man who wanted to visit his girlfriend found himself 8,077 miles off course when, instead of flying to Sydney, Australia, he found himself on the way to Sidney, Montana. It seems he mistyped the destination when he booked his flight online. After spending three days in the Billings, Montana, airport his parents and friends wired him the money to buy a ticket to Australia. Let’s just hope he never has to book a flight to Jupiter, Florida.

According to the New York City Health Department, the most popular dog name of 2006 was Max, followed by Lucky, Princess, Rocky, and Buddy. Not a Fifi in sight. The most popular babies names, on the other hand, were Michael, Emily, Daniel, and Ashley, even though walking around the streets you’d think they were Hey Youse, Dipwad, and Numbnuts. Again, not a Fifi in sight.

…and if a North Carolina company has its way, you can wear them all year and hang them again next Christmas without washing them. Cupron, Inc. has been selling socks impregnated with copper oxide, which they say kills bacteria and odor on contact. Jeffrey Gabbay, who owns the company, says he hasn’t washed his sports socks since 2004 and they don’t smell. They might be filthy and caked with dirt, but at least they don’t smell.

Most of us don’t like giving money for Christmas, it’s so impersonal. But in Spain it’s not such a bad present. A study published by a laboratory disclosed that 94% of the banknotes in Spain have traces of cocaine on them. Hey, it beats getting gifts in your stocking coated with coal dust.

Just barely in time for Christmas, a California doctor has recreated the cologne worn by Pope Pius IX way back in the 19th century. Why? Because stamp collecting didn’t interest him, apparently. Dr. Fred Hass says the scent, which he concocted using a recipe he found in a limited-edition 1963 cookbook, is “surprisingly fresh, with notes of citrus and violet.” No frankincense? No myrrh? He has 2,000 bottles sitting in his garage for sale — shock! incredulity! — which he’s trying to sell. Move over Beyonce, Pius is here!

A Boston doctor is on probation after performing gallbladder surgery on an 84-year-old woman last July because, well, he accidentally removed her right kidney instead of the gallbladder. Hey, they all look kind of reddish and squishy, you know. From now on he’ll be supervised during surgery, have clinical oversight of his practice, and be quizzed using flash cards before each operation.

1. A 3-month-old baby was left in a shopping cart at a Toys “R” Us store in Midland, TX on Sunday when her parents forgot her and went home. “It was a misunderstanding among family members,” a police spokesperson said. You know, sometimes it’s so hard to agree on whether you have a baby or not.

2. A woman put her 1-month-old grandson through a security X-ray machine at LAX on Saturday. “This was an innocent mistake by an obviously inexperienced traveler,” an airport security official said. The sign said all liquids have to be checked and humans are, after all, 65% water.