It took 20 people 18 months to come up with 500 sounds that ended up as the four chords that play for four seconds when Windows Vista starts up. Microsoft is looking at converting the theme into a three-minute song which they estimate will take 900 people 67.5 years to come up with 22,500 sounds that will end up containing 180 chords. One can only hope it will be a free download.
In a move to help fight inflation, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez says the government will chop three zeros off new 1,000 bolivar bill so it will be worth the same as a one bolivar coin. Until the government gets around to reprinting the bills, they’ll be passing out Sharpies so Venezuelans can do it themselves. No word on what the government plans to do with all the extra zeroes.
What do you do with all the surplus milk you wind up with when people start drinking less but cows keep churning it out anyway? If you own the Nakahara liquor shop in Japan you add hops and brew it into beer. Chitoshi Nakahara spent six months developing “Bilk,” which he says is made of 30% milk and, apart from a slight milky scent, looks and tastes like ordinary beer. Yum! Someone needs to give Nakahara an English dictionary so he can find out the definition of “bilk.”
To help combat Boca Raton, Florida’s growing iguana problem, the city recently posted suggestions on its web site about how to control the lizards, including one that recommended not feeding them. Resident Willie Cook has a better idea — eat them. He says the lizards are a free source of protein that can nourish poor families. He sent the mayor two recipes, one for iguana stew and one for iguana soup. He’s saving the good ones, like Grilled Cheese and Iguana, Fried Iguana-on-a-stick, and Chocolate Iguana Mousse, for himself.
Just on time for Valentine’s Day comes a survey from Unilever (Lipton, Slim-Fast, Vaseline) that finds that women prefer clothes to sex. Sixty-one percent of those polled said they’d rather give up sex for a month than lose their favorite article of clothing, while a majority would be more than happy to give up sex for 15 months if it meant a closet full of new clothes. To translate for you guys: Buy her clothes for Valentine’s Day. She’ll look good, she’ll be happier, and besides, they last a lot longer than candy, flowers, or sex.
The Nobel Prize Committee has received 167 nominations for the Peace Prize so far. While they won’t disclose names — after all, they don’t want everyone to run out and reprint their business cards with “Nobel Peace Prize Nominee” under their name — nominators have announced that they’ve submitted Al Gore, former Malaysian prime minister Dr. Mahathir Mohamad, Rush Limbaugh, and Mordechai Vanunu, the Susan Lucci of the Peace Prize who’s been nominated each of the past 20 years. No sign of George Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, Osama bin Laden, or Geraldo Rivera.
The York Psychic Museum, which opened in 2003, has closed because business wasn’t as good as they’d expected. Astrologer Jonathan Cainer, the curator, says, “If you are asking me for predictions when exactly it will open up again, then it is hard to say.” You know what they say about the cobblers children.
California Assemblyman Lloyd Levine is sponsoring a bill that would ban Thomas Edison’s good old incandescent light bulb from the state, forcing people to use those spirally fluorescent ones. Or candles. There are no details about proposed fines for being a traditionalist, whether the state or cities would be responsible for forming Light Brigades to enforce the law, or whether the agricultural inspection stations at the borders would be replaced by Bulb Inspectors to catch soft white smugglers.
Roto-Rooter is giving away a $5,000 custom-made toilet. Unlike the best Japanese toilets, there’s no heated seat, bidet, hot air dryer, butt-massager, or sign of Hello Kitty. There is, however, a laptop computer, flat-screen monitor, DVD player, Xbox, TiVo, refrigerator with beer tap, and exercise bike. Oh yeah, and the iCarta stereo dock for an iPod with built-in toilet paper holder. Come on, let’s all sing: “And away goes your life, down the drain. Roto-Rooter.”
New York State Senator Carl Kruger says he’ll introduce legislation on Wednesday to ban the use of electronic gadgets while crossing the street because — WATCH OUT! — iPods, Blackberrys, cell phones, and video games are distracting and people are getting hit by cars and buses because they don’t hear them roaring through the yellow light. If you don’t disconnect, you’ll be fined $100. He’s not worried about repeat offenders because they probably won’t live to have to pay the fine again.
It’s official — one male prostitute doesn’t make you gay. After three weeks of intensive counseling, the errant Rev. Ted Haggard has been declared “completely heterosexual” because, in the words of one of the ministers in charge, “It wasn’t a constant thing.” But just to be safe they recommended Haggard and his wife move out of town and go into secular work. After all, we don’t want your occasional kind around these parts.
A Philadelphia councilman wants the city to look into installing rubber sidewalks. He says they won’t crack, will last longer than concrete, and would reduce the number of slip-and-fall accidents and the lawsuits that result from them. If the city goes for this idea they should look into an idea I had many years ago: rubber streets and concrete tires. The streets would expand and contract with the weather, eliminating potholes, constant repair work, and wear and tear on cars. Tires would last longer because they couldn’t go flat. And should you actually get a chipped tire, you’d simply whip out some spackling and the next morning you’re good to go. Next problem!
Russia’s Emergency Ministry is flying a chemical laboratory to the Omsk region in southern Siberia to figure out what caused about a 600 square mile area to be covered in oily yellow and orange snow. Until they know what caused it, authorities are recommending that the 27,000 residents heed Frank Zappa’s advice: “Don’t eat the yellow snow.”
It’s not easy being French. There’s the grueling 35-hour work week, the mandated rudeness classes, and now it’s getting tough to find a place to enjoy a Gauloises. As of today you can’t smoke in workplaces, schools, airports, hospitals, and other “closed and covered” public places in France. Next year the ban will extend to *gasp* cafes and restaurants. No wonder the country’s health minister is looking into whether workers should be allowed to take a nap while at work. The state-run health insurance provider and the Health Ministry both think it’s a good idea, but for now businesses want to sleep on it before making up their minds.
Scientists at the University of Technology in Vienna and the University of Leeds have determined that the United Kingdom weighs 24,000,000 billion tons, with Scotland weighing less than England and Wales. Oxford turns out to be the heaviest city in the country, Cornwall is the lightest, Austria weights morethan any other country in Europe, and scientists at the University of Technology in Vienna and the University of Leeds have way too much time on their hands.
Before you decide whether the bill California Assembly Speaker Pro Tem Sally Lieber plans to introduce this week outlawing the spanking of children 3-years-old and younger is a good or bad idea, consider that protesters perched in oak trees in Berkeley, California, trying to stop the University of California Berkeley from building an athletic training center include Zachary RunningWolf (sic), Redwood Mary, Chewing Gum, and Tree Otter. Biff, Muffy, and Chip apparently couldn’t care less.
Prince Charles, who has described climate change as the “biggest threat to mankind,” is flying to New York City later this month to receive a Global Environmental Citizen prize from Harvard Medical School’s Centre for Health and the Global Environment from none other than Al “Alternate PowerPoint” Gore. He’s travelling by scheduled flight instead of a chartered or private jet in order to, as he likes to put it, “reduce his carbon footprint.” He’s booked the entire first-class and business class section of a jumbo jet for the 20 people going with him. Unfortunately those sections hold 62 people, meaning their carbon footprint is three times what it would be if every seat was used. Ya gotta hate those technicalities.
Researchers at the Harvard School of Public Health say the nicotine level in cigarettes has increased 11% from 1997 to 2005. During the same time, cigarette prices have increased 75%. Hey, you didn’t think nicotine was free, did you?
Hot on the heels of the recently introduced energy drink, Cocaine, a San Francisco company has released Meth Coffee. Neither product contains illegal substances, but are in fact made of heavy doses of caffeine with yerba mate or guarana added. *yawn* If they’re successful, look for Heroin Relaxing Soda, Marijuana brand tonic, and Crack energy candy to hit store shelves soon.
Newly discovered documents in Britain’s National Archives show that in 1956 former French Prime Minister Guy Mollet and British Prime Minister Sir Anthony Eden discussed the possibility of France becoming a part of the United Kingdom. Good thing it didn’t happen, since each country would have had to find someone else to blame everything on, and Germany is so handy it would have been a prime prospect for them both. Not to mention that the idea of eating croissant and kidney pie, hearing Serge Gainsbourg sing God Save The Queen, and sitting down to a relaxing afternoon treat of tea, crumpets, and Gauloise would have been too much for anyone to handle.
