A group of delegates who are working to rewrite Bolivia’s constitution say the country should change its coat of arms by getting rid of the laurel and olive branches and replacing them with coca leaves. After all, the country is the third largest producer of cocaine in the world, why not be proud of it? If the change goes into law, don’t be surprised to see Afghanistan put poppies on its flag, Mexico add a marijuana leaf to its coat of arms, and the United States replaces the one-eyed pyramid on our one dollar bills with a handgun.

New Mexico has had a state cookie (the bizcochito), a state bird (the roadrunner) and a state question (“Red or Green?,” which doesn’t refer to traffic light confusion, but rather which kind of chili you prefer). Well now they have an official tie — the bolo. With luck they’ll soon have an Official State Legislature With Better Things To Do With Their Time.

The New York Times apologized on Monday for having misspelled the name of one of President John F. Kennedy’s closest advisers in an article about his having introduced Barack Obama at a fund-raiser. Oh yeah, and for the 134 other times they misspelled it in articles and headlines over the past 50 years. His name is Theodore C. Sorensen, not Sorenson. That may be a record for them. Last November they admitted to having misspelled the name of the now defunct New York City department store Gimbels 120 times, though in their defense they did spell that one correctly 500 times.

Israel has recalled its ambassador to El Salvador, Tsuriel Raphael, after he was found in his back yard drunk, naked, and bound, complete with sex toys and a ball gag in his mouth à la Pulp Fiction. Normally no one would have cared except you just don’t do that on the Sabbath.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who often campaigned on family values issues, has admitted he was having an extramarital affair while he was pushing for the impeachment of President Clinton over the Monica Lewinsky affair. He did say, however, that he shouldn’t be viewed as a hypocrite. After all, he was only Speaker of the House, he eventually married the congressional aide he was having the affair with, and besides, he never had sex with that woman, Monica Lewinsky.

Roland Fortin took out a half-page ad in the South Florida Sun-Sentinel on Super Bowl Sunday challenging fitness guru Jack LaLanne to a four-round boxing match. Fortin is 91 years old. LaLanne is 92. LaLanne didn’t see the ad until this week and hasn’t responded directly, though a spokesperson said, “That’s not quite his cup of tea.” Or did she mean, teaspoon of Geritol? Since Fortin has a one-year edge, maybe he should be handicapped by having to box with one hand tied behind a walker.

The Navy has awarded a contract to Invocon, Inc. to develop a “non-lethal, stand-off weapon for military and law enforcement personnel that could ultimately work through walls and other non-metallic structures.” Using beamed RF (radio frequency) energy to “excite and interrupt the normal process of human hearing and equilibrium,” the weapon would incapacitate everyone in a room by making them lose their balance and fall to the ground. “Second order effects would be extreme motion sickness,” the company notes. In other words, it’s enough to make you puke.

The state House of Arkansas unanimously approved a resolution yesterday declaring that “Arkansas’s” be the official possessive form of the state’s name. Because it’s a nonbinding resolution, however, no one needs to obey it, including state agencies which wouldn’t even have to worry about changing their stationery. So don’t fret, you can spell Arkansas’s possessive any way you like. But remember, “its” is possessive, “it’s” is a contraction for “it is.” That is the law.

First a surgeon in China who was trying to correct the limp of a five-year-old boy had to apologize because — Whoops! — he lengthened the wrong leg. It seems the boy was anesthetized while on his back, then flipped over on his stomach to be operated on. Hey, that’s why they make Sharpies. Meanwhile in Brazil, a woman who had a stomach ache for 23 years found out the cause when doctors finally took some X-rays. It seems her previous doctors had left a scalpel in her lower abdomen in 1984 when she’d had a C-section. The scalpel is scheduled to be removed later this month. Hopefully they won’t flip her over by mistake before they operate.

President Alan Garcia of Peru wants to to stamp out hora peruana, or “Peruvian time,” which usually means being an hour late. So yesterday sirens were set off and church bells rang throughout the country at noon so everyone could synchronize their watches and hopefully be more punctual. It won’t be easy. An invitation to the 11 a.m. ceremony was delivered by messenger to The Associated Press at 1:30 p.m., well after the ceremony had ended.

First HP put out cameras that have a Slimming Effect feature that takes pounds off your subject. Now Canon is reportedly getting ready to offer Blink Shot, which won’t let the camera take a photo until everyone has their eyes open. They’re reportedly working on Smile Shot. Coming soon: Hair Shot that gives you an automatic trim, Vacation Shot that puts a preselected photo of you in front of any scenery in the picture, and for those who like to take X-rated self photos, Big Shot.

You think it’s tough choosing a candidate in an election? Try being in Finland where there are 800 candidates running in the March parliamentary election. Sure you could just choose the former Miss Universe or former Miss Europe, who are both running, but that’s not very scientific. Luckily a company that makes face recognition software has come to the rescue. Just go to their site, upload a photo of yourself, and it will tell you which candidates look the most like you. Imagine, egocentricism without the ego!

[The images at the left were the top choices based on my photo. I feel so flattered.]

Rosie Costello of Washington admitted she taught her two children, who are now in their 20’s and keeping up the act, to fake being retarded so she could collect more than $330,000 from Social Security and state social services agencies. It was easy. All they had to do was imitate Mom.

The Postal Regulatory Commission has put in a request to raise first-class rates to 42 cents, boost the cost of mailing a postcard 3 cents, and sell a special first-class stamp that will always be good no matter how high the rates go. That’s right, the Forever Stamp, as it’s being called, would be a great hedge against inflation, not to mention a wonderful investment for your 401(k). If it works out, soon you’ll be able to invest in Postage Stamp Futures. Like the idea? Don’t call your Congressman, TALK TO CHUCK!

The Virginia General Assembly voted unanimously to express “profound regret” for the state’s role in slavery as well as for the “exploitation of Native Americans.” Now if they’d only apologize for Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and George Allen all will be forgiven.

It turns out that duct tape, which will fix just about anything and supposedly get rid of warts, is also good for restraining out of control astronauts. According to NASA’s written procedures for dealing with a suicidal or psychotic astronaut in space, the astronaut’s crewmates should bind his wrists and ankles with duct tape, fasten him down with a bungee cord, and if need be, inject him with tranquilizers. It looks like the book is going to have to be retitled “1002 Uses For Duct Tape.”

A gunman burst in during a performance of a traveling circus in the eastern Colombian town of Cucuta on Wednesday and started firing, shooting and killing two clowns. In his defense, he says he mistook them for mimes.

They’re fighting in court over whether Anna Nicole Smith should be buried in California or the Bahamas and, after having James Brown’s body hanging around since Christmas Day, his family has finally agreed on where to bury him. Though they’re not saying where that is. Donald Trump’s family will be happy to know there won’t be a fight when he dies. He just announced that he’d like to be buried in Bedminster, New Jersey. And who wouldn’t? It seems Trump has filed for permission to build a wedding chapel on a golf course he owns there and, sometime in the future, plans to convert it into a mausoleum for himself and his family. Me? I’m easy. Just cremate me. Then gather my friends and sit around one night and smoke me.

Estonia, of all countries, is set to hold the world’s first national election in which people can vote over the Internet. To do it, voters will have to put their state-issued ID card, which has an electronic chip on it, into a reader attached to a computer and then enter two passwords. The e-voting system was tested earlier this week by letting people elect the King of the Forest. The 10 candidates included moose, deer, and boars, which isn’t too far from candidates in the U.S. who are represented by the donkey, elephant, and lots of bores. Officials didn’t announce who won the position as King of the Forest, though the Cowardly Lion reportedly wanted the position pretty badly.

An executive coach in Pennsylvania has developed a 12-step program for people addicted to email. The first step is to “admit that e-mail is managing you. Let go of your need to check email every ten minutes.” Okay, but before that you have to cut back to only checking once every ten minutes. There are no 12-step meetings of E-mailers Anonymous — yet — but she does have a monthly teleconference. Reminder notices about the teleconference are sent out by, well, email.