Category: Uncategorized
April 10th, 2007 — 9:53am
Hamoud Mohsen al-Yacoubi, the director of the Iraqi tourism board, is trying to attract visitors to the country who don’t wear U.S. military uniforms. Sure Western sightseers would probably be kidnapped or killed, the infrastructure isn’t what it used to be when it was still in one piece, and many of the biggest tourist attractions have been damaged by careless troops, at least it’s not boring old Paris again. What they need is a catchy slogan, something like “See Iraq while there’s still something left” or “Iraq—it’s more than just oil.” Or maybe “I Iraq.” Book your vacation today while the hotel’s still standing.
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April 9th, 2007 — 9:43am
A Northwest Airlines flight from Las Vegas to Detroit was cancelled on Friday after the pilot began cursing at passengers while the plane was getting ready to take off. The #%$&@! passengers got off the *@&#^$&!! plane, were given *@&!^&!! hotel rooms, and put on the next ^@*#&%! flight out of town. Dang!
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April 7th, 2007 — 9:42am
Joe Selle, who was running unopposed for re-election to the Missouri City, MO, City Council, didn’t get any votes in Tuesday’s election. Not even his own. He says he forgot that Tuesday was election day and apparently so did his ward’s other 34 registered voters. Note to residents of Missouri City: tomorrow’s Easter, Memorial Day is observed on May 28, and this year Christmas falls on December 25th.
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April 6th, 2007 — 9:48am
Reuters reports that Halle Berry is going to shave her head for a movie role. No, it’s not Britney Does Detox. Nor is it The Sinead O’Connor Story. She won’t be playing Mrs. Kojak, Yul Brynner, or Bruce Willis’ part in a remake of Twelve Monkeys. It’s actually for a romantic comedy titled Nappily Ever After which is about a woman whose hair starts to fall out so she decides to shave her head, then has to deal with people’s perceptions of who she is and how her hair defined her. You know, beauty may only be skin deep after all and it’s what’s inside that counts. Wow, where does Hollywood get such inspired ideas? *yawn*
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April 5th, 2007 — 9:28am
Newt Gingrich has apologized for speaking out against bilingual education in a speech Saturday in which he said that people should learn English and “not the language of living in a ghetto.” He said his word choice was poor and was actually “an expression of support for Latinos, not an attack on their language.” He went on to say, “I mean, it’s not like Latinos have big booties, wear lots of bling, and roll with their homies while eating fried chicken and watermelon or anything. Peace out.”
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April 4th, 2007 — 10:37am
In an interview with NME, Keith Richards says he snorted his father’s cremated ashes mixed with cocaine. Now his publicist says he was kidding. He probably injected them. How’s a guy supposed to remember the delivery system, fer christ’s sake? He was high.
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April 3rd, 2007 — 12:04pm
Having trouble finding new bodies to fill the three yoga studios that exist on every block in most towns, instructors have turned to the originator of the downward dog. That’s right, dogs. Brenda Bryan is teaching doggie yoga classes at the Seattle/King County Humane Society in Bellevue, Washington. Fair enough, but if dogs can adopt our practices, why can’t we adapt some of theirs? From now on I’m going to sleep 20 hours a day, whimper until I get my belly scratched, hump legs at will, and lick my privates whenever I want without feeling like I’m showing off.
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April 2nd, 2007 — 11:04am
According to an AP story about the weekend’s Houston Open golf tournament: “The players went off in threesomes in the early afternoon and were allowed to lift, clean and place their balls in the soggy fairways.” Maybe there’s more to this game than I thought.
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March 31st, 2007 — 9:20am
After being around for over 500 years, and being widely spoken in a country that’s been in existence for 140 years, Italian is now the Official Language of Italy™. Itsa abouta timea.
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March 30th, 2007 — 11:14am
The city of Chicago has fined the first restaurant for violating the recently passed ordinance outlawing foie gras — Hot Doug’s, a hot dog stand. In blatant violation after being warned, Doug Sohn continued to serve a hot dog slathered with the fattened duck-liver delicacy as well as “duck fat fries,” though you can only get those on Friday and Saturday. He got off light. He could have been fined as much as $500 but only had to pay $250, probably because he wasn’t caught selling them, just listing them on the menu with a price. How silly. The only one who should be fined is anyone dumb enough to actually eat a foie gras dog. Yum!
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March 29th, 2007 — 10:02am
Most people give up a favorite food. Others forgo a habit like cigarettes, alcohol, or chocolate. But CNN reports that there are students who are making the ultimate sacrifice by giving up (gasp! shock! awe!) MySpace and Facebook for Lent. Hey, it’s not a bad idea, really. It means they can eat all the meat they want on Friday in the hope that it will calm their hand that’s twitching because it’s dying to type in www.myspace.com.
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March 28th, 2007 — 9:56am
An Israeli political party that supports the legalization of marijuana has told its followers to abstain during Passover because weed isn’t kosher for Passover. The good news is that, according to a spokesperson, “If the rabbis say cannabis is non-kosher for Passover, it is apparently kosher during the rest of the year,” so next Hanukkah you can light up more than just candles. L’chaim!
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March 27th, 2007 — 9:40am
The results of the autopsy on Anna Nicole Smith are in, and the Broward County medical examiner says she died from a lethal combination of drugs and an infection from an abscess on her butt, where she’d been injecting herself with meds. They found nine prescription drugs in her system as well as six over-the-counter ones, including Ativan, Cipro, Klonopin, Methadone, Noctec, Robaxin, Soma, Topamax, Valium, Human growth hormone, Nicorette, and Tamiflu. Two are sedatives, two are muscle relaxers, and three are anti-anxiety drugs. Doctors say that’s not really a lot, there are at least a dozen other drugs listed in the United States Pharmacopeia that she didn’t have in her system.
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March 26th, 2007 — 11:04am
Calvin Klein is putting out a new fragrance called CK in2u. It comes in a white plastic and glass bottle — you know, the same materials that make up an iPod — and is aimed at, in the company’s words, technosexuals. Or as you might call them, 20-somethings. Klein hopes people pick up on the word technosexual since they trademarked it last year. Oh, sorry. I mean technosexual®.
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March 23rd, 2007 — 9:49am
A team of mathematicians claims to have solved a 120-year-old puzzle about a theoretical object with 248 dimensions known as the “Lie group E8.” The solution is so complicated that the handwritten solution would cover the Manhattan, and if you wanted it in digital form would take days to download. Lightyears if you’re still on dial-up. The project’s leader says “many mathematicians can’t understand” what the object even is. And there are reportedly no obvious practical applications for the solution. Now if they could only put that much energy into figuring out why we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway.
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March 22nd, 2007 — 10:03am
Japanese Foreign Minister Taro Aso, talking about why Westerners can’t be as successful at Middle East diplomacy as Japanese, said “Japanese are trusted. If (you have) blue eyes and blond hair, it’s probably no good. Luckily, we Japanese have yellow faces.” Yeah, but blonds have more fun.
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March 21st, 2007 — 10:29am
If you’ve been waiting to be hip again and not feel like an uncouth Philistine Neanderthal hick when you ask for *gasp* tap water in a restaurant, your time has arrived. Fancy restaurants in the San Francisco Bay area including Chez Panisse are dumping bottled water and serving filtered tap water — still and house-carbonated. It’s free trade, shade carbonated, and naturally caffeine-free. Hopefully. They’re not doing it because they realized it was absurd to charge for bottled water that can cost 240 to 10,000 times as much as tap water, but rather to be environmentally sensitive, promote sustainability, and because they just couldn’t figure out another way to combine radicchio foam with tofu confit in a 1.5 ounce portion and call it an entree so they had to do something different.
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March 20th, 2007 — 9:51am
The bidding has started for a chance to win a breakfast or tea date with Alan Greenspan and his wife, NBC news correspondent Andrea Mitchell. The auction is part of a fund-raiser to benefit the Robert F. Kennedy Memorial and the current bid is $12,600. If that sounds too serious for your taste, you can also place a bid for a walk-on role on Desperate Housewives (current bid $1,600), a chance to report the weather with Al Roker on The Today Show (now $175), and VIP Seating at Larry King Live (currently no bids). You have until April 6th to bid for Greenspan, so start saving your money now. Then be sure to ask him if he thought it was a good investment or not.
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March 19th, 2007 — 12:54pm
Have you always hoped that one day an airline would be nice and upgrade you to first class for free? Well, they did that recently for an elderly woman who was on on British Airways flight to India. When she died in the coach section, they moved her body to first class. And sat her next to a man who was sleeping. A man who woke up to find a dead seat mate. At least he didn’t have to worry about her spending the whole flight chatting him up and showing him photographs of her family, friends, and pets when all he wanted was to do the in-flight magazine crossword puzzle and sleep.
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March 16th, 2007 — 10:26am
A brothel in Cologne, Germany, is offering a 50% discount to senior citizens. Men who can prove they’re at least 66 years old can get a “normal session” that usually costs 50 euros ($66.54) for half price between noon and 5 p.m. every day. True that’s nap time, but it’s worth waiting until later in the afternoon to snooze if it means being able to take advantage of an Early Bird Special.
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