Annie Lennox may be the new Miss Cleo. Over the weekend her daughter Lola threw a party at her Dad’s house while he was away. Lola sent an email to 30 friends, it got sent around, then the party was posted on MySpace. The house was trashed when over 100 kids crashed the party, painting graffiti on walls, breaking pictures, tearing books apart, urinating and vomiting on carpets, flooding the kitchen, and generally just having a good ole teenage time. Lola has been grounded for an indefinite period. Lennox, on the other hand, has been dubbed the New Age Nostradamus since she’s now Walking on Broken Glass, has discovered The Thin Line Between Love and Hate, and no longer has faith in All The Young People of Today. Would I Lie to You?

Canada has issued what they say is the world’s biggest, purest, and highest denomination coin — a 220-lb, 21″, 1.2″ thick $1 million gold coin. Of course keep in mind that’s a million Canadian dollars. It may be the purest and largest denomination — not to mention one that will really make your pocket bulge — but it’s certainly not the largest. I’ve been to Sudbury, Canada and seen the big nickel. At 30-feet tall and 2″ thick, it makes the $1 million coin look like chump change. Or at least a nano-coin.

The race to have the earliest primary election is on. The Florida legislature has voted to move its primary, which is currently held in early March, to January 29 in order to preempt the dozen states that have set theirs for February 5. This means only the Iowa and Nevada caucuses and the New Hampshire primary will happen sooner. Meanwhile, feeling left out, the Michigan state legislature has voted to move theirs to last Wednesday. Beat that, Massachusetts!

– The Me Decade
– Year of the Ocean
– Black History Month
– National Brotherhood Week
– Earth Day
– Witching Hour
– New York Minute

Chrysler has announced that it will offer a hybrid version of its famous high-power 335-horsepower Hemi V-8 engine in their Dodge Durango and Chrysler Aspen SUVs. They say it will improve the cars’ fuel economy by about 40% in the city and 25% on the highway, which means it should sip gas so delicately it will get about 18 mpg in the city and 22 on the highway. Remember, that’s hemi, as in half. You know, like a hemi-assed effort at being green.

1931 – The Empire State Building opens
1960 – American U-2 spy plane shot down in Russia
1967 – Elvis Presley marries Priscilla
2003 – President Bush proclaims “major combat operations in Iraq have ended” under a sign that says “Mission Accomplished.”
2007 – With 3,351 U.S. military casualties to date, President Bush vetoes the war spending bill that would require U.S. troops to begin coming home from Iraq.

Randall Tobias, a State Department official in charge of most U.S. foreign aid, resigned after admitting that he had been a customer of Pamela Martin’s now well known Washington, D.C., escort service. He swears he only had massages and didn’t inhale. I mean, that there had been “no sex.” He went on to say the check is in the mail, he respects escorts in the morning, and not to worry, it’s only a cold sore.

Tired of waiting until you get out of the morning shower to get — or continue — your caffeine jolt? Save time with Shower Shock, a caffeinated bar of soap that supposedly delivers 200 milligrams of caffeine per serving. Uh, per shower. That’s as much as two shots of espresso, more than twice the caffeine of a Red Bull, and the equivalent of drinking almost 48 oz. of Mountain Dew. And none of those get you clean. At least not externally. What next, a shampoo named Gee Your Hair Smells Like Jolt Cola?

According to The Sun, as many as 2,000 rich Japanese women bought discount miniature poodles from a company in Sapporo only to find out they wouldn’t bark or eat dog food and didn’t have claws to trim because, well, the half-priced pets were actually groomed lambs. No word on how many of them also bought the Brooklyn Bridge so they had a place to walk Fifi.

Officials in Beijing are guaranteeing that it won’t rain during the opening ceremony of next year’s Olympic Games, which is a good thing since they decided to cut costs by not building a roof on the new National Stadium and, as the chief engineer of the Office of Weather Manipulation said, “The rain might have a negative impact on the opening ceremony.” Ya think? They also plan to use reduced friction water in the swimming pools, have light gravity days so high jumpers can leap over buildings, and make non-greasy General Tso’s Chicken. Let the games begin!

A geologist from London’s Natural History Museum found a mineral in Serbia he’d never seen before. While searching the Internet for its chemical formula — sodium lithium boron silicate hydroxide — he discovered that it’s the scientific name written on a case of rock containing kryptonite stolen by Lex Luther from a museum in the film Superman Returns. True it doesn’t have large green crystals like in the comics but is rather white and powdery. And yes, they’ve officially named it Jadarite, even though it’s not green. But hey, it’s still kryptonite to us. The next thing you know they’ll find Bizarro World, Mr. Mxyzptlk will show up and ask to buy a vowel, and it will turn out that it is indeed okay to tug on Superman’s cape.

Researchers at Kasetsart University in Thailand and the U.S. Department of Agriculture say fruity cocktails like Mai Tais and Piña Coladas could be considered health foods. Their report in the Journal of the Science of Food and Agriculture finds that adding ethanol — the alcohol found in rum, vodka, tequila and other liquors — boosted the antioxidant nutrients in strawberries and blackberries. They also say Cheetos are dairy, potato chips count as a vegetable, and CornNuts can be considered both a vegetable and a nut, but can’t fathom why anyone would voluntarily eat soy crisps.

In a sweet voicemail recording thoughtlessly posted on TMZ.com, Alec Baldwin can be heard lovingly telling his 11-year-old daughter Ireland, “You are a rude, thoughtless little pig” and that her mother, Kim Basinger, is “a thoughtless pain in the ass.” Ah, the thoughtless acorn really doesn’t fall far from the thoughtless tree, does it?

The Simplified Spelling Society is celebrating its 99th birthday by lawnching a nu ofensiv to make English ezier to reed and rite. “English is about the only language, apart from French, on the world stage that hasn’t updated its spelling for 500 years,” SSS secretary John Gledhill sed. Kewl! R u redi 4 it 2 change?

The Oklahoma legislature has approved a bill naming watermelon as the official state vegetable because, well, they already have a state fruit — the strawberry. True, some people argue that watermelon technically is a vegetable, but then some people think the Earth is flat and we don’t fall off because of the gravity machines Lemurians have built in the center of the planet. You know, the ones that cause your cell phone to drop calls. If the governor signs the bill as expected, don’t be surprised to see the robin become Oklahoma’s state meat, oil to be named the state pasta, and tornadoes to become the state trailer renovator.

In a speech yesterday, former secretary of Health and Human Services and current Republican presidential candidate Tommy Thompson told the Religious Action Center of Reform Judaism, “I’m in the private sector and for the first time in my life I’m earning money. You know that’s sort of part of the Jewish tradition and I do not find anything wrong with that.” He went on to explain that he also has a big nose and owns several banks, but is fortunate that he doesn’t have nappy payes, the side curls that orthodox Jewish hos sport. CBS and MSNBC said they would drop his radio and TV shows if only he had them.

A Japanese toilet manufacturer is going to repair 180,000 toilets because wiring in the bidet can catch fire. So far 26 of them have gone up in smoke and three actually caught fire. Luckily no one was using them when it happened. Just think, Toto, Ltd. was one burrito away from an explosive lawsuit.

Researchers at Harvard Medical School and North Carolina State University claim to have proof that the Tyrannosaurus rex is a distant cousin to the modern chicken. They discovered it by analyzing tiny bits of protein extracted from a 68-million-year-old T-Rex thigh bone. It’s a good thing they didn’t order all white meat on the dig or they would never have made the discovery.

Researchers at Canada’s Simon Fraser University have created the world’s smallest published book, Teeny Ted from Turnip Town. The book measures 0.07 mm by 0.10 mm — which is smaller than the head of a pin — and was made using a focused gallium-ion beam to carve out spaces around each letter on pieces of crystalline silicon. Unfortunately you need an electron microscope to read it and one isn’t supplied with the book, though you can pick one up on eBay for about $20,000. And to think, you thought the world’s smallest book was Zagat’s Guide to Cities Without a Starbucks.

Scientists at the University of Vienna have found that sharing a bed with someone disturbs men’s sleep and temporarily reduces their brain power the next day. Women, on the other hand, slept more deeply and their mental acuities were unaffected. Further proof of the anecdotes about the different location of our brains? Or nature’s way of saying we should each have our own cave?