It was revealed yesterday that the Education Department (a wholly owned division of the United States Government) paid $240,000 to syndicated commentator Armstrong Williams to plug, promote, and otherwise shill for President Bush’s No Child Left Behind education program on his radio show and in his newspaper column. Why should he be the only one? I’m selling a blog item to the highest bidder. Don’t delay, go bid here.

No. 1 reason to show up at the presidential inauguration a half hour early – As a warm up to the swearing-in ceremony, Guy Hovis, a former singer on the Lawrence Welk Show and the director of Trent Lott’s Mississippi senate office, will perform Let the Eagle Soar. In case you were too busy being arrested and held without anyone letting you contact your lawyer to notice, this is the song written by outgoing Attorney General John Ashcroft which he sang in a video that became one of the most forwarded and laughed at Internet jokes, not to mention a high point of the soundtrack of Fahrenheit 9/11, though oddly it wasn’t included on the album. Go figure.

Here’s a video of the original performance

Contest winner – The sign on the toilet brush says: “Do not use for personal hygiene.”

One baby at a time – Chinese boy is the country’s 1.3 billionth person, 20 years after a one-child policy was introduced.

Watch what you eat, but don’t eat what you watch – Viewer sues Fear Factor for $2.5 million because he bumped his head on a doorway after watching contestants eat dead rats.

We definitely need better, more direct warnings – “WARNING: Reading these warning labels while standing on this ladder may cause injury or death.”

Amber Waves of Green – The ink hasn’t dried on the verdict and already the Fresno Massage Therapist has a book out about her affair with the Modesto Fertilizer Salesman. Witness: For the Prosecution of Scott Peterson by Amber Frey is the #2 book on amazon.com. No thanks. I’m waiting for the Collector’s Edition Boxed Set complete with tell-all books by her, each of the twelve jurors (including the two who were dismissed), and the guy who sold Peterson the cement. Now you know what to get me for my birthday.

Weather You Have a Job or Not – I’ve always said being a weatherperson is the world’s best job. Can you screw up at work 365 days a year and not only keep your job, but get a raise? Now it turns out this isn’t always true. The director general of Thailand’s Meteorological Department was fired yesterday for not issuing a tsunami warning. Expect to see him doing the weather on the 11:00 News on Channel 5 any day now.

Kelly Freas, who for years drew Alfred E. Neuman for Mad magazine, died yesterday. You remember Mad, it came before the TV show. Before the web site. Yes, it was even before Paul McCartney’s pre-Wings band. Hell, it was even before The Nation appropriated Alfred’s grin for George W. Bush. Just the other day the name Fester Carbuncle came to mind — please, don’t ask why — and I’m pretty sure it was a character out of Mad. Probably from Don Martin. Hey, it’s been a long time. But these things stick in our minds, cluttering it up and leaving little room for anything important like phone numbers, shopping lists, and our middle names. Some days I’m sure if one more thing sticks in my head my social security number’s going to fall out the other side. To this day when I walk into a bathroom with a paper towel dispenser that has a lever to unwind it off a roll I think of the Mad cartoon where the man walks into a bathroom and sees the sign that says, “Pull down. Tear up” so he does — he pulls down the dispenser and tears it up. You had to be there.

I tried to introduce the Tacky Xmas Decoration and Grand Highly Illuminated House Tour to San Francisco with limited success. I started it in Richmond, VA years ago and it’s become a huge Christmas tradition. Go figure. The Bay Area houses aren’t anywhere near as big, though there are some good ones. Check ’em out here. I posted the list on Craig’s List and only had a few responses. The media didn’t care. Except in Richmond and Charleston. Lets call it an out of town opening.



– Article in Richmond Times Dispatch

– Another in the TD

– One in the Charleston Post-Courier

Welcome to my brand new blog. Hard to say what will end up here, but hey, I guess we’ll find out. It’s an offshoot of The Mad Dog Weekly, where my weekly humor column has been appearing for eons. Or so it seems. Okay, 465+ columns over 10 years. Hey, how do you think I feel?