Actor Tom Sizemore, best known for being in Saving Private Ryan, went to jail for violating his probation when he failed a drug test. It seems he had a fake penis sewn into his boxer shorts that was filled with a clean urine sample kept warm by a heating pack. And to think, his probation officer thought he was just happy to see him.

In genitally related news, this week a woman in England was sentenced to two and a half years in jail for ripping off her ex-lover’s testicle with her bare hands during a drunken brawl after he refused to have sex with her, a man in California is suing a hospital and one of its surgeons claiming they made a mistake when they removed one of his testicles during surgery, and of course there’s the Welsh guy who cut his own testicles off with a knife because Wales beat England in a rugby match. I feel much safer knowing bad things happen in threes.

Starbucks announced that they’re planning to open another 1,500 stores this year. This is in addition to the 9,000 they already have in 39 countries. At this rate of growth it’s estimated that within three years there will be one in your living room.

Part I – A biologist in Pennsylvania has isolated a chemical from the sweat of young women that makes older women more affectionate. When Pheromone 10:13, which sounds more like a missing passage in the Bible than a romance inducer, was added to a perfume and given to older women, 41 percent of them said there was “more petting, kissing and affection with partners.” Don’t get any ideas. This isn’t a license to steal that woman’s towel at the gym.

Part II – A psychologist in London says lovesickness can kill and should be taken more seriously as a legitimate diagnosis, saying “People can die from a broken heart.” But it’s not always that bad. He says in lesser instances it can lead to an extreme state of physical exhaustion, drive people to take their own life, and lead to psychiatric symptoms including mania, an elevated mood, inflated self-esteem, depression, and aspects of obsessive compulsive disorder. Look for Merck or Pfizer to release a cure soon.

President Bush submitted his budget for the coming year and it includes a $427 billion deficit. That’s $1445.39 for every man, woman, and child in the country. If each one of us chipped in our share we could get the deficit down to zero tomorrow. C’mon, it’s not so bad. That’s the same amount you’d spend going to see 160 movies, eating 498 Big Macs, or buying that 22″ flat-screen TV you’ve had your eye on. It’s a small sacrifice to make, cough it up in the name of civic duty.

Welsh rugby fan Geoff Huish told pals at a social club, “If Wales wins I’ll cut my balls off.” Wales beat England 11-9. Huish went home, cut off his testicles with a knife, and walked back to the bar with them in his hand to show his mates what he’d done. That’s one gene pool Darwin would be happy to hear had dried up.

A new study funded by the Norwegian government has concluded that worms wriggling around on a fishhook aren’t doing it because they feel pain. And no, they’re not doing the Lambada either (it’s forbidden, remember?). Don’t forget though, that fish do feel pain, at least according to a study done in Scotland a couple of years ago during which they injected bee venom and acetic acid into some poor trout’s lips. Apparently the FDA (Fish Drug Association) hadn’t approved Botox yet. The conclusion? It’s cool to go fishing all you want as long as you don’t catch anything, which lets most anglers off the hook, so to speak.

There are only two sure things, taxes and the government not having a sense of humor. When city income tax forms were sent out in Middletown, OH last week the filing instructions included such bon mots as “”If we can tax it, we will” and “Free advice: if you don’t have a profit in a five-year period, you might want to consider another line of work.” Tax superintendent Linda Stubbs, the wag behind the wit, was suspended for a week for practicing humor without a license. C’mon, Linda. I don’t send my tax checks to Chris Rock, I don’t expect stand-up with my 1040-EZ.

Dickie Lugner, who obviously has more money than dates, paid nearly $1 million for a night out with Geri “Ginger Spice” Halliwell. They went to the Vienna Opera Ball where they were to meet the president of Austria. And no, it’s not Arnold. All was going swimmingly until Ginger got lost while finding the bathroom and didn’t make it back on time for her live TV interview with the president. Hey, it’s not easy staying in the limelight when your former Poshy bandmate was the Virgin Mary in Madame Tussaud’s wax museum nativity scene this year, not to mention the model for grilled cheese sandwiches everywhere [see below].

First there was the grilled cheese sandwich with the image of the Virgin Mary burned into it that sold for $28,000 on eBay. Now a man in Prairie Lea, TX has a frying pan with Jesus’ face staring up from the bottom. He hasn’t decided what to do with it yet, but if GoldenPalace.com, the online casino that bought the grilled Mary sandwich, has any sense at all they’ll buy the frying pan and cook up one hell–I mean, heck–of a last supper.

It’s been quite a week for alcohol. First there was the announcement of the new fish wine [see below]. Now a company in Switzerland, forgetting the ill-fated Q beer from the Queer Brewing Company in San Francisco, is coming out with Queer Beer, hoping to corner the gay market. And why not, yuppies have Anchor Steam, middle America has PBR, and Jews have had He’brew for eight years now. Since drinking too much alcohol has been known to foster promiscuity and multiple partners, hopefully they won’t adopt the advertising slogan: “Queer Beer. When you’re having more than one.”

A. Sign up for the local Adopt-A-Highway program outside Salem, OR like the American Nazi Party did. You get your own green signs, orange litter bags, and all the white trash you care to collect from your clubhouse.

B. Offer to share your bottle of fish wine from the Dalian Fisherman’s Song Maritime Biological Brewery in China, a company that plans to “clean, boil, and ferment fish for making wine.” A 40-ounce bottle wrapped in a paper bag, of course.

C. Go to Disneyland, because it will be filled with losers instead of winners. For the first time in 20 years someone from the winning Super Bowl team won’t shout, “I’m going to Disney World!” for a TV commercial. Maybe they’re going to Oregon with a bottle of fish wine.

D. All of the above

E. True.

When Richard Kral found himself trapped in his Audi, buried under an avalanche in the Slovak Tatra mountains, he started digging out with his hands. Remembering that he had 60 bottles of beer with him because he was going on vacation, he started drinking them…and urinating on the snow to melt it. Rescue teams found him drunk and staggering along a mountain path. (Note to self: Learn to like beer, it could save your life.)

First several Christian “family values” groups decided that the squishy SpongeBob SquarePants is gay because he sometimes holds hands with his pals Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. C’mon now, even his name says he’s square. Then the new Education Secretary (bonus points if you know his or her name!) coerced PBS into not distributing an episode of the series Postcards From Buster because the animated bunny went to Vermont and ran into two highly animated — though not in the cartoon sense — lesbian couples. Now Stan Lee, the man who created Spiderman and the Hulk, says he’s going to animate Ringo Starr by turning him into “an evil-battling, Earth-saving though reluctant superhero with a great sense of rhythm.” A great sense of rhythm, huh? *wink* wink* Tinky Winky and Barney must be rolling over in their Pottery Barn-furnished love nest.

Seven elephants in Chiang Mai, Thailand are being potty trained. Handlers are teaching them to sit on “giant white toilets that can be flushed by pulling on a rope with a gentle tug of the trunk” to help rid the touristy elephant camp of unsightly droppings. All they need to make this work is a large bag of 30-lb M&Ms as incentives, a pallet of Kirkland toilet paper delivered daily, and a plunger that would make Al Bundy jealous.

– Scientists at the Pacific Northwest National Laboratory have created petrified wood in a couple of days, a process that takes pokey ole Mother Nature, oh, a few million years. No word on what they’re going to do with the time saved, the petrified wood they made, or the government grant money they’re going to have to return when it’s discovered that this has no military significance.

– Dennis Bosley sent a postcard to his mother 37 years ago and it was just returned to him by the Post Office. The Pacific Northwest National Laboratory thinks they can speed this process up so next time he’ll get it back in a matter of months.

– Drivers who are in a rush in Norway will soon have to pay $1,300 if they’re clocked doing 75 miles an hour in a 55-mph zone. Unless, of course, they can prove they were on the way to a Texas Longhorns football game (see below ), had to get home before their wood house petrified, or are delivering returned mail for the U.S. Postal Service.

Norwegian newspapers say people there are upset because during President Bush’s inaugural parade he and his family held up their right hands with their index and pinky fingers raised. To Norwegians this is the sign of the devil. To heavy metal fans it’s the same thing. To the Bush’s apparently it’s a sign of solidarity with the University of Texas Longhorns marching band.

NOTE TO NORWEGIANS: Don’t feel bad. To everyone outside of Texas (and possibly the red states) it’s considered the sign of the devil too.

Two Bundles of Joy – A woman in Brazil gave birth to a 16-pound 11-ounce baby, twice the size of your usual bundle of joy. To put this in perspective, that’s about the same weight as a bowling ball, a 6-month-old baby, two and a half full grown Chihuahuas, or enough coffee to make 1,068 cappuccinos.

Don’t Look Now – Marching band performers in yesterday’s inaugural parade in Washington, DC were told “Not to look directly at Bush while passing the presidential reviewing stand, not to look to either side and not to make any sudden movements.” Just in case standing behind a bullet-proof glass screen, riding in an armored limo, and having 10,000 security officers hanging around wasn’t enough to keep him safe.

First Jerry Springer-The Opera played to SRO (Screaming Room Only) crowds in London. Then BBC Two broadcast it despite what a spokesperson said were “fewer than 300 obscenities, even using the broadest definition of an offensive word.” Inspired by this success, producer Mark “I’m a Survivor” Burnett is threatening to turn Donald Trump’s The Apprentice into a Broadway musical. Mix a little bit of Hair with a touch of How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying and before you know it the audience will be leaving the theater humming, You’re Fired! George Hamilton, call your agent quick!

President Bush got a brand spanking new Cadillac DTS limo – the first one off the line, in fact – just in time to ride in the inaugural parade and wave like a queen. I mean, The Queen. Okay, like Paul Rogers being surrogate Freddie on the upcoming Queen reunion tour.

Meanwhile the Pope was given a new flame red Ferrari. Sure it’s only a toy, but hey, it will go great with his Popemobile Hot Wheels. vroooOOOOMMMM!

Airbus, hoping to keep a lock on the most appropriate airplane manufacturer’s name, threw a party to show off their excitedly named A380. It seats 550 people, with each person having less seat space than the Pope’s Ferrari. At least you don’t have to drive.

First there was the man in South Korea who last month had a 2-inch nail removed from his skull, one that had been there for four years without his knowing it. Now a man in Colorado had a 4-inch nail removed from his skull, though it had only been there for six days. At least he thought he had a toothache and went to the dentist. Entries for the Barely Human Pincushion Contest are still being accepted.