University of Maryland researchers report that after subjects watched King Pin, which for research purposes is considered a funny movie, their blood vessels expanded and contracted more effectively in response to changes in blood flow. “It is conceivable that laughing may be important to maintain a healthy endothelium [lining of the blood vessels] and reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease,” says researcher Michael Miller. In other words, laughter may indeed be the best medicine. Since Reader’s Digest predicted this years ago, it’s also safe to assume that it is indeed “All in a Day’s Work,” “Humor in Uniform” isn’t just camouflage, “Virtual Hilarity” is as good as the real thing, and condensing articles so people with ADHD can enjoy them was a smart idea long before that Utne guy could even read.

The Chinese People’s Political Consultative Conference is considering suggesting that the government outlaw lip synching unless the performer first notifies audience members. “How you doing, Beijing?!? You’ve just paid good money to see me do karaoke!” Hey, any country that will stop Ashlee Simpson, Britney, Madonna, and Milli Vanilli from touring there can’t be all bad.

– A mother and daughter in Nebraska are selling a Rold Gold Honey Mustard Pretzel on eBay that they say looks like the Virgin Mary holding baby Jesus. They hope to get $1,000 so the daughter can buy a horse. (Advice: Stop squinting so much. It’s a pretzel. One that sort of looks like a treble clef.)

– A retired school teacher in Poland went to the doctor because of a headache. X-rays showed he had a five-inch knife blade stuck in his head. Apparently it had been there since he tripped and fell on the kitchen floor four days previous. Said the man: “I thought they might give me an aspirin, instead they pulled a five-inch knife blade out of my head.” [Insert favorite Polish joke here: ______________________]

Glen Matlock, former bass player for the Sex Pistols, told a British TV show that people should stop swearing on television. “It’s pathetic when people swear for the sake of it,” says the guy whose band cost a TV interviewer his job in 1976 when they used the “f”-word on live TV. “Something ought to be done about it.” Come to think of it, maybe God shouldn’t save the Queen. And really, might anarchy not be such a hot idea for the UK after all?

As a part of their rehabilitation, prisoners at the Winchester jail in England are being offered the chance to take a course in telling jokes. Apparently authorities aren’t worried about the prisoners stealing jokes. After all, Henny Youngman did it for years and no one under the age of 50 even knows who he is. In a show of mutual support, the National Humor Writers Guild has announced plans to offer its members courses in breaking and entering, armed robbery, and how to “Take my wife, please” without leaving any clues.

Martha Stewart’s on the cover of the March 7 Newsweek looking, well, svelte and rested. And well she should since the body isn’t hers, but rather a model’s. Tucked away on Page 3 the magazine confesses: “Cover: Photo illustration by Michael Elins … head shot by Marc Bryan-Brown.” And to think, when she gets out she’s going to have her own reality show.

One-time Olympic figure skater Tonya Harding, better known for having rival Nancy Kerrigan kneecapped — I mean, grossing us out with her wedding night videos — I mean, beating Paula Jones on Celebrity Boxing — is set to wrestle Daisy D, a 135-lb transvestite, on March 10 in Ft. Lauderdale. Somewhere in Portland, OR a guidance counselor is preparing to jump off the roof of the high school.

Following in the hallowed footsteps of Winston Churchill, the Dalai Lama, and Mother Teresa, porn star Ron Jeremy will speak to the Oxford Union debating society on Wednesday. “Ron is the biggest and apparently the best in the business,” said Oxford Union librarian Vladimir Bermant. Hmmmm, maybe size does matter after all. If it goes well, Jenna Jamison will give the commencement address at Harvard, Peter North will address the U.N. General Assembly, and I’ll be able to convince someone that my looking up porn stars’ names on Google was work related.

With the Pope back in the hospital for the second time in two weeks, everyone’s wondering if he’s going to make it. Well you can rest easy. According to a carved marble monument to Pope Sylvester II that’s in Rome’s Basilica of Saint John Lateran, he’s going to be okay. It turns out that the carving cries and gets moist when a Pope is about to die, but on Friday a priest touched it and — voila! — it was dry. In confirming signs, the grilled cheese sandwich with the image of the Virgin Mary burned into it didn’t drip Velveeta and yesterday morning’s fried eggs didn’t stick to the frying pan with Jesus’ face on the bottom. Hey, a little corroboration never hurts.

The Swiss Federal Intellectual Property Institute ruled that Yeslam Bin Ladin, al Qaeda leader Osama’s not-so-famous half-brother, can use the Bin Laden^TM name as a trademark after all. Originally registered a month before his brother sent some planes to the World Trade Center — talk about getting in on the, uh, ground zero floor — the trademark was revoked in 2002. While Bin Laden says he has no “immediate” plans to release any products using the trademark now that he can, don’t be surprised to see Bin Laden^TM Arab Joy (“Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you are one.”), Bin Laden^TM greeting cards (“When you care enough to send the very best.”), and the BinLadenCard^TM (“Don’t leave the cave without it.”).

A new survey of Japanese students found that 25% of them couldn’t locate North Korea on a map, 44% couldn’t find Iraq, and when asked to point to the United States, some placed it in China, Brazil, or the Congo. Meanwhile every girl between the ages of 12 and 26 can find the Sanrio stores in Tokyo while blindfolded. Not to be outdone, a CNN poll a couple of years ago showed that 87% of Americans between the ages of 18 and 24 couldn’t find Iraq on a map, 70% couldn’t find New Jersey, and 11% couldn’t even point out the United States. Not so coincidentally, not one of them can find a library.

At a bill signing last Friday, President Bush motioned towards a Hispanic man in the front row and said, “I welcome our new attorney general.” Unfortunately the man in the front row wasn’t Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales, but rather Hector V. Barreto of the Small Business Administration. He then went on to introduce Senator Carol Moseley Braun as Oprah Winfrey, Joe Lieberman as Jackie Mason, and Daniel Inouye as the new White House sushi chef.

50,000 California taxpayers opened their mail recently to find pre-filled-in tax forms from the state, including a bottom line which tells them how much to send in. It’s a test of a new tax return program called How Stupid Are You? I mean, Ready Return. The state says this will simplify tax calculations for people with simple returns, decrease the chances of making a mistake, and provide long-term employment opportunities for Dionne Warwick’s Psychic Friends and Miss Cleo. If taxpayers like the idea, look for a new check box on next year’s form that says, “Here’s my credit card, from now on just charge whatever you think I owe .”

Three men have filed false advertising lawsuits against the company that makes VigRx and Enzyte herbal penis enlargement pills, alleging they “experienced no increase in penis size.” They’re asking that it be turned into a class action suit so they can represent more than 1 million plaintiffs. Since the products claim they can add up to 3 inches to a man’s penis, the plaintiffs could contend that men have been cheated out of as much as 47 miles of additional penis. Just wait until they find out that oil companies aren’t actually leaving millions of dollars in Nigerian bank accounts, Tookie LaCrosse really isn’t emailing to wonder why you haven’t answered his messages, and Bill Gates won’t pay you $1,000 if you forward an email to test an email tracing program.

Microsoft, knowing most parents are n00bs, wants to make sure they have the m4d sk1llz to “understand how your kids communicate online to help protect them.” That’s why they’ve posted a parent’s guide to 133t5p33k. I mean, leetspeak. They explain how to substitute numbers for look-alike letters, when to use “ph” instead of “f,” and even reveal that some leetspeekers capitalize every letter except for VoWeLS! Look for their Encarta Guide to Jive, Beatnik-Rap Dictionary, and Pig Latin For Dummies to be released soon.

From the February 10th edition of the Los Angeles Times:
“An editorial Saturday about children’s literature and cartoons erroneously stated that James Dobson of Focus on the Family declared that SpongeBob SquarePants is a homosexual sponge. Instead, in a speech last month, Dobson criticized as pro-homosexual a tolerance video featuring SpongeBob, Big Bird and others.”

[more about Spongebob SwishPants ]

President Bush has asked Congress for another $81.9 billion for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, boosting the total price to over $300 billion. Considering there are 295,475,148 people in the United States, this comes to $1015.31 per man, woman, and child. So far. At the federal minimum wage of $5.15 per hour, you’d have to work 197 hours — nearly five weeks — to earn enough to chip in your share. (NOTE: Actual time required for payback may vary according to your salary, trust fund, offshore bank account, and party affiliation.)

Bellagio, a Neopolitan mastiff, won Best in Breed at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show in New York City. This is the first year this breed has been shown at the event. They were bred by putting Scooby-Doo in a 450-degree oven for 30 minutes until nicely melted. If it’s close to show time and you need a winner in a hurry, a microwave oven on high for 40 seconds should do the trick.

Forget that guy Jamie Foxx imitated, Bono’s band Us2, and Norah “Ravi who?” Jones, the big Grammy news is that Bill Clinton won his second (count ’em, 2nd!) Grammy. The first was last year when he won in the spoken word for children category. You don’t want to know what he told them. This year he won in the spoken word category for reading his memoir My Life. Funny how life turns around — when he was running for office everyone wanted to hear his sax, now all they want is to hear about is his sex.

A Norwegian real estate investor, tired of seeing ads for apartments that, well, lie, opted for truth in advertising. He placed an ad to sell an apartment in which he described it as a “gruesome two-room apartment with balcony” and a “very worn-out apartment.” He not only had people respond and check it out, he actually got an offer. If this trend catches on it won’t be long before we see ads that read: “Big gas guzzling, hard-to-park SUV for sale with more payments left than miles” and “Slightly used country for rent. Just held first election. Needs lots of renovation and love. Great fixer-upper.”