If you’re looking for someplace new to go on vacation, consider Dickensworld, a theme park based on the life and works of Charles Dickens which is being built in Kent, England. Sure seeing children working in sweatshops and creepy older men hanging around groups of young kids sounds a lot like touring a Nike factory or the Neverland Ranch, but this is different. You’ll scream with delight as you walk through the spooky Bleak House, ride the Oliver Twisty roller coaster, and see David Copperfield performing nightly. After you leave you’re sure to say, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” Contact your travel agent today!

Archeologists in Germany have unearthed the world’s oldest porn — two 7,200-year-old Stone Age figurines which they say show a couple having sex. Harald Stäuble of the Archaeological Institute of Saxony says the way the figures are bent over means: “There are two ways of looking at this. The first is that they were doing a ritual dance, but the other possibility is that the man and woman were copulating and that he was standing behind her.” Yes, the title of this blog has a long pedigree.

Martha Stewart asked a judge to let her out of the rest of her five-month house arrest — or should we say, mansion arrest — because it’s making it difficult to produce her two new upcoming TV series. Not to mention that the electronic monitoring bracelet she has to wear on her ankle chafes her skin. Prosecutor Michael Schachter responded by saying, “Minor inconvenience to one’s ability to star in a television show is an insufficient ground for resentencing.” The judge has the option of granting her a new sentencing hearing, rejecting the request outright, or recommending that she find something more relaxing to do with her time other than working, such as planting wheat so she has flour to bake cookies for the court or crocheting electronic monitoring bracelet covers to match each of her outfits.

If you’ve got a ghost in the machine, a Japanese company has the answer — a USB ghost detector. Just plug GhostRadar into the back of your computer and it will beep and flash red lights when a ghost looks over your shoulder to read your email. Yuichiro Saito, Vice President of SolidAlliance, says, “This is not a game. This is a measuring device.” Just to be safe, they’ve built in a 512 meg USB memory storage device, a great place to save the photos you snap of your ethereal visitors. GhostRadar will set you back US$185 in Japan and is on the way to the U.S. It joins the company’s popular Sushi Disk, a USB thumbdrive that looks like sushi, and i-Duck, which has a glowing rubber duckie on it. Coming soon to a USB slot near you: the NoBugz bug zapper; Wend-eez, the thumbdrive that looks like a severed thumb covered in chili; and i-Hunt, which has a derringer attached so you can shoot the i-Duck on the back of that other guy’s computer.

German researchers say dandruff contributes to pollution. A new study found unexpectedly large amounts of the flaky stuff in aerosol pollutants, right alongside human and animal skin particles, fur, pollen, algae, fungi, and viruses. These particles absorb heat to warm the air, reflect sunlight to cool it, act as the nucleus for ice crystals which turn into clouds and rain, and look unsightly on black blouses, navy suit jackets, and dark colored pillows. Procter & Gamble, the manufacturer of Head & Shoulders and a serial ampersand user, is expected to have a new ad campaign out soon: “Eliminate dandruff, not polar ice caps.”

Children have teddy bears to sleep with. Japanese women have the Boyfriend’s Arm Pillow. So what can you cuddle up with? How about your dead pet! Thanks to a taxidermist in Nevada you can get cushions and pillows made from your dead dog or cat’s fur. Yum! In just a couple of months Jeanette Hall has sold hundreds of the Pet Pillows. And why not? Roy Rogers had Trigger stuffed and put in his museum. People walk around wearing lockets filled with their pet’s ashes. And admit it, you don’t want to think about what freezer locker Walt Disney’s deceased pets are hanging out in.

Sandra S. Froman, first vice president of the National Rifle Association, said that in order to prevent rampages like the recent school shooting near Bemidji, MN that took 10 lives we should consider allowing teachers to carry guns. Gun Safety and Target Shooting 101 could soon be a degree requirement, right next to K-12 Educational Leadership, Practicum in Secondary Teaching, and How Not to Smack the Little Brats When You’re a Substitute Teacher.

The New York City school system had to recall math test preparation guides when they discovered 18 errors, including wrong answers, grammatical errors, and even the word “fourth” misspelled on the 4th grade manual. Mayor Michael Bloomberg said he was surprised but “It is a complex world.” Besides, how often will you need math after high school? Cash registers at Burger King tell you exactly how much change you need to give the customer, don’t they?

Last month a man in Norway went to visit his vacation cabin and found that his swimming pool had been stolen. An in-ground swimming pool. Thieves dug it up and left a big hole in the ground. Not to be outdone, a couple of days ago a family in Lindale, TX discovered that their three-bedroom brick house had been stolen. Brick by brick. Police say two men dismantled it, piece by piece, in broad daylight, selling the building supplies to get drugs. “Honey, didn’t there used to be a wall over there?” “Shhhh! I’m trying to watch American Idol.”

The managers of 22 safari parks in China have agreed to stop feeding live horses to their lions and tigers. Well, when the parks are open to the public anyway. After visiting hours it’s a whole other thing. “Feeding [large animals] when the park is not open is permitted,” the deputy general manager of Wild Animal World in Chengdu said. During hours “parks are allowed to continue to sell small birds for visitors to feed the wild beasts.” Christians, apparently, may be fed to the lions anytime.

– The Easter Bunny was arrested in an Iowa mall on Saturday and charged with harassment. Michael J. Desantiago, who was working in the “Have Your Photo Taken With the Easter Bunny” display, got upset when someone threw water on him. Come on, sing along: “There goes Peter Cottontail, hopping down to the county jail…..”

– Peeps, the unearthly colored, often rock hard, and very poor excuse for sugar-coated marshmallow, have expanded this year. New products include Peeps cosmetics, stationery, hats and visors, socks, and Italian gold charms. Apparently adding licensed products was easier than adding taste and quality.

– A 13-year-old boy attacked the Easter Bunny in a shopping mall in Bay City, MI. The Easter Bunny ended up with a bloody nose, the boy is being charged with assault, and luckily no children or Peeps were harmed in the incident.

Lucky the turtle was the only animal to survive a pet store fire in Indiana. Store owner Bryan Dora says that, as a result, the image of Satan appeared on the turtle’s shell, complete with goatee and pointy horns. Amazingly, he’s produced a DVD of the turtle’s story and plans to auction it — and Lucky — online. So far the closest thing on eBay is a “Turtle Towel Personalized Dora Print,” perfect for drying off possessed reptiles. At left is a non-artist’s rendering of what we imagine Lucky’s shell looks like. After the DVD release we’ll find out for sure.

A salesman in Germany stopped to buy a lottery ticket yesterday and discovered that he’d won last week’s jackpot – a measly 20.4 million euros, or $27,267,206.76. He ran off without chatting or identifying himself because, according to a lottery spokesman, he was worried about being late for work and had to go catch a bus. All lotteries should give winners a one-question test before handing over the money: “Are you going to work tomorrow?” If they answer “yes” then they’re deemed too stupid to have that much money and the jackpot rolls over.

As if hearing Beethoven, 50 Cent, and Hava Negilah when a cell phone rings isn’t bad enough, an adult film company is going to start offering ring tones featuring porn stars moaning and groaning. I can’t wait until someone’s phone rings and, as they dash from the next room to answer it, they call out, “I’m coming!”

According to the New York Daily News, Martha Stewart described the anklet monitor she has to wear while under house arrest as: “The rigid rubber and wire band is approximately 1 inch wide. The transmitter is approximately 4 inches by 3 inches and is somewhat uncomfortable and irritating. It also makes exercise difficult. I wish it were removable but it is not. I am not allowed to take it off at any time and I am not allowed, while in my home, to have any padding under the strap.” Stencils with assorted holiday motifs and complete instructions for turning an ankle monitor into a festive holiday accessory will be in the upcoming issue of Martha Stewart Confined Living.

Monty Roberts, the man who inspired the movie The Horse Whisperer, held a workshop for British teachers in how to tame wild schoolchildren. “Horses and children are almost identical emotionally and psychologically,” Roberts told The Observer. “They are both flight animals who wish to avoid trouble, but will become first bashful, then aggressive, if intimidated.” He went on to point out other similarities: both horses and children like apples, respond well to whips and spurs, and need someone to clean up after them. Horses, on the other hand, can be sold, are respected if they become studs-for-hire, and are legally eaten in many countries.

Washington state, home of the rainy city of Seattle, declared a drought emergency on Thursday because of unusually low winter snowfalls. Meanwhile, Death Valley, CA, the hottest, driest, lowest place in the country, is a sea of wildflowers and, well, water, having had three times the usual rainfall so far this season. Something just ain’t right. According to two UC Berkeley physicists, mass extinction on Earth happens every 62 million years and the last one, when the dinosaurs bit the Jurassic dust, was 65 million years ago. From where I sit it looks like we should either bend over and kiss our butts goodbye or book our vacation tickets to Seattle and Death Valley. I know which one I’m leaning towards.

– A Florida State Senator has proposed a 2 cent-per-roll tax on toilet paper to pay for wastewater treatment. Governor Jeb “Am I the only one in the family who hasn’t been President yet?” Bush said if toilet paper is taxed, people might use less of it. This is:

[ ] A crappy idea
[ ] Really scraping the bottom
[ ] A tax idea that should be flushed
[ ] Other ___________________

– In order to get people who don’t pay their property taxes to ante up, the tax collector in a city in southern India is sending groups of drummers to play non-stop outside their homes until they pay. After one week of drumming, 18% of those owing back taxes paid up. This is:

[ ] A great way to drum up tax dollars
[ ] Gainful employment for kids playing in drum circles in the parking lot at Phish concerts
[ ] Even sillier than taxing toilet paper
[ ] All of the above

The Malaysian Education Ministry wants schoolchildren to watch more English-language television — including cartoons — figuring it will help them learn English. Educators agree that nothing would be better for the country’s future than a generation of Malaysians running around saying, “You’re fired,” “Swiper, no swiping!”, and “Good morning, Krusty crew!”

New Jersey’s Agriculture and Natural Resources Committee approved a measure designating the Jersey tomato as the official state vegetable. Never mind that botanically it’s a fruit, officials decided to ignore science and instead follow an 1887 U.S. Supreme Court ruling that since tomatoes are usually served with dinner and not as dessert, they must be a vegetable. State legislators are also considering making Cheetos the official state dairy product, Oreos the official state sandwich, and tuna salad the official state fish.