The winner of a game of rock paper scissors walked away with about $2 million the other day. Japanese businessman Takashi Hashiyama wanted to sell three paintings and couldn’t decide whether they should be auctioned off by Sotheby’s or Christie’s, so he had them write down a weapon — rock, paper, or scissors. Christie’s chose scissors, which beat Sotheby’s paper. The paintings sold for $17.8 million, Christie’s walked away with the $2 million commission, and Hashiyama is hoping the IRS will take him up on his offer of double or nothing on the tax bill by playing eenie meenie minie moe.

Barter #1 – A 21-year-old Fargo, N.D. man was arrested after he pushed a pizza delivery driver and punched him in the face because he refused to accept marijuana as payment for the pie. Hey, I saw the movie, the driver’s lucky he didn’t get tossed in a wood chipper.

Barter #2 – A man who works in a meat company in Woonsocket, R.I. was arrested after he tried to trade a couple of T-bone steaks for sex. Unfortunately the woman the man solicited was an undercover police officer. Probably a vegan. A vegan without a sense of humor. Apparently asking if someone wants to eat your meat is illegal in Rhode Island.

In case last week’s note about the bar serving a hot dog wrapped in a beef patty that’s deep fried, covered with chili, cheese and onions, and served on a hoagie bun…then topped with a fried egg and fries wasn’t the appetite suppressant you thought it would be, there’s more:

– A pub in Clearfield, PA is selling the Beer Barrel Belly Buster, a 10.5-lb burger that comes with 25 slices of cheese, a head of lettuce, three tomatoes, two onions, a cup-and-a-half each of mayonnaise, relish, ketchup, mustard and banana peppers — and a bun. It costs $30 and if you eat it within three hours you get a T-shirt, a certificate, and the burger free. Stomach pump extra.

– Peruvian officials rescued 4,000 endangered frogs from a slaughterhouse where they were waiting to become frog cocktails. The drinks are popular in Lima because they’re supposedly an aphrodisiac. Maybe, but only if you use a breath mint after drinking it.

– Police in Clovis, NM were called to Marshall Junior High school because of reports that a student came to school carrying a long, wrapped package that might be a weapon. Police put armed officers on rooftops, closed nearby streets, and locked down the school. The search was called off when it turned out that eighth-grader Michael Morrissey had come to school with a 30-inch burrito filled with steak, guacamole, lettuce, salsa and jalapenos wrapped inside tin foil and a white T-shirt. It was a non-lethal class project. Too bad the science fair wasn’t that day.

Looking for something different to do on your summer vacation? Visit the Museum of Foreign Debt at the University of Buenos Aires in Argentina. It’s fun! It’s exciting! It’s the only place in the world where you can learn about the dangers of borrowing too much foreign money by exploring a spongy “black hole” which represents where the money ends up. You’ll be thrilled by the play kitchen with its empty refrigerator and freezer that symbolizes *gasp* the International Monetary Fund. You’ll scream with delight at the exhibits documenting Argentina’s economic hell, from its first monetary default in the early 1800s to the Big One in 2001 that led to — yes! — catastrophic economic collapse! Before you leave, make sure to stop at the gift shop filled with worthless pesos, unaffordable Argentinean beef, and a Madonna dartboard, the perfect way to seek revenge for her butchering Evita. It’s cheaper than Disneyland and more educational than a month in the DeBeers Diamond Mines. Call your travel agent today!

A Girl Scout troop in Wisconsin has filed lawsuits in small-claims court against three people who haven’t paid for their Thin Mints and Samoas. True the people owe amounts ranging from $301.42 to $1,485.68, but we want to know is who the person was who bought 495 boxes of cookies. Watch out, it’s a competitive world out there, and some Girls Scouts aren’t content with having a Backpacking badge, Pets badge, and “uniquely ME! Inside and Out ” badge, they want a Law and Order badge for their sash too.

Need to lose weight? Head to Mulligan’s, a bar outside Atlanta and order up a “Hamdog.” It’s a hot dog wrapped in a beef patty that’s deep fried, covered with chili, cheese and onions, and served on a hoagie bun. Oh, did I mention that it’s topped with a fried egg and two handfuls of fries? If you still feel like eating, think about following it up with their “Luther Burger” — a bacon cheeseburger served on a bun made out of two Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Hey, at least they don’t serve fried macaroni and cheese. Yet. You can though, here’s the recipe from the Food Network. If this hasn’t killed your appetite and made you want to skip three meals, read this paragraph again.

– A mystery bidder paid $150,000 at auction yesterday for the town of Palisade, Nevada. The new owner gets “160 acres of sagebrush, tumbleweeds, rattlesnake holes, half of a rusted car, the remains of an old washing machine and a cemetery with a couple of dozen graves.” The auction was held in San Francisco where that same money would buy a closet. A closet without sagebrush, tumbleweeds, rattlesnakes, half a car, or an old washing machine, though it might have a body in it.

– A castle in upstate New York is being sold on eBay. For a minimum bid of $650,000 you can be the proud owner of this former 37,000-square-foot National Guard Armory which sits on 1.3 acres. It has 50 rooms, four turrets, a fallout shelter, and a former rifle range. Perfect for the new NRA headquarters, your neighborhood militia, or Neverland Ranch East.

When U2 played in Seattle over the weekend, lead singer Bono left his bandmates at some crummy old hotel while he hung out and spent the night with Bill Gates. When Gates was asked if this new friendship meant he would buy a special U2 edition iPod, he replied, “Absolutely not.” In return, Bono said he would refuse the offer to adopt Clippy, Microsoft Office’s now-abandoned and homeless animated helper. Even celebrity friendship and philanthropy has its limits.

“I’m enjoying the relationship and to be honest with you I didn’t think I would.”
— Former President George Bush on his unlikely friendship with Bill Clinton, quoted in the New York Daily News. Oddly, this is exactly what Bill Clinton said in 1995 about his unlikely friendship with Monica Lewinsky.

German animal welfare workers and veterinarians say as many as 1,000 frogs have exploded in recent days, their bodies swelling until they burst, sending guts and entrails flying up to three feet away. Scientists don’t know what’s causing it but so far have ruled out al-Qaeda, Iraqi insurgents, and the Anti-Amphibian League, a group of women who are tired of kissing so many frogs and not finding a single prince.

Part I – Anna Ayala, the woman who claimed to have thrown up when she found part of a human finger in her Wendy’s chili last month has been arrested and charged with attempted grand theft.

Part II – Armin Meiwes, the German who met a man on the Internet, hooked up in person, then cut off, cooked, and ate the man’s penis, is being retried because the judge says the eight-and-a-half-year sentence isn’t long enough. That’s the sentence that isn’t long enough, smartypants.

Part III – The soup chef who inspired the famous Seinfeld episode about the Soup Nazi is putting out a line of soups. Tagged with the boring name “Soup Man,” the heat-n-serve soups come in a pouch. Mmmmmm…..just squeeze and eat! Flavors include turkey chili, jambalaya, and seafood bisque. Spicy chili finger and German-style penis varieties coming soon.

Even though bread can’t rise during Passover, thanks to a ruling by an Israeli rabbi Jewish men can. It seems that since 1988 because the pill’s coating contains leavening. Rabbi Mordechai Eliahu recently decided that men can take the drug as long as they buy empty capsules made from kosher gelatin before the holiday and insert the pill into the capsule. Because the leavening won’t come into direct contact with the body, everything is kosher, as they say. [Insert favorite pork joke here]

Restaurant magazine has released its list of the best places in the world to eat and #1 is The Fat Duck, an English restaurant that doesn’t even serve Indian food. The chef is at the forefront of what they call “molecular gastronomy,” which hopefully tastes better than it sounds. Whatever it is, it allows for such mouth-watering items as “sardine on toast sorbet,” “leather, oak and tobacco chocolates,” and “smoked bacon and egg ice cream.” Yum! Can Tuna and Peanut Butter Jerky, Fish and Chocolate Chips, and MisSteak and Donated Kidney Pie be far behind?

— Yesterday an 81-year-old woman in Fort Myers, FL was at a car dealership getting ready to test drive a car when she stepped on the wrong pedal, hitting her husband, a salesman, a parked car, and a tree before running into a wall. Everyone was okay but the car was totaled.

— The same day, a Marlboro, NJ girl with her learners permit was practicing her parallel parking when she jumped the curb, striking and killing her mother.

– Earlier this week, Seo Sang-moon of South Korea passed the written part of his driver’s license exam after only 272 tries. It took him five years and cost almost $1,000 in fees. Next up, the driving test. Be scared. Be very scared.

Move over Jerry Lewis, the French have a new favorite actor. Bruce Willis has been made an officer in the Order of Arts and Letters, one of the country’s top honors for cultural achievement, for his work in such movies as North, The Whole Ten Yards, Armageddon, and Hudson Hawke. The honor doesn’t mean Willis will be called Sir, not even by 16-year-old stock clerks who help put his purchases in the car at Home Depot. Nor will it increase the odds that he’ll film a remake of Moonlighting, stop saying “Better Ashton than me,”or not be mistaken for Woody Harrelson by fans who can’t tell one shaved head from another.

Waking up must be more of a problem among college students than we suspected. How else to explain the sudden rash of college students reinventing the alarm clock?

Exhibit A – Students at Brown University came up with an alarm clock that wakes you during the lightest phase of your sleep cycle so you’re more likely to start the day refreshed and alert. SleepSmart measures your sleep cycle by monitoring your brain waves. Yes, this means you get to sleep wearing a comfy, stylish headband covered with electrodes. You tell the alarm clock the latest time you want to get up and it wakes you during the last light phase of sleep. Should it miss that phase, it writes you an excuse and signs it with your mother’s name.

Exhibit B – Meanwhile at MIT, a graduate student came up with Clocky, a robotic alarm clock on wheels that rolls away and hides after you hit the snooze button so you have to get out of bed and find it before you can throw it against the wall to smash it. The inventor said when she designed Clocky she wanted it to remind users of a troublesome pet. Expect to see many of them tied up in burlap sacks and abandoned by the side of the road.

Taking a tip from Canada’s government-sanctioned seal hunts (motto: “Eat more baby seal”), the state of Wisconsin is considering making it legal to hunt wild cats because they hunt lovebirds. See, they started it! A vote by the Wisconsin Conservation Congress, an independent group created by the state for reasons no one can remember, wound up with 51 counties supporting the concept, 20 against it, and one county not bothering to vote. Do I detect a non-voting trend? [see below] Before you grab your gun and head to Wisconsin remember this has a long way to go. The Conservation Congress will first consider it, they’ll send their recommendations to the board and the Department of Natural Resources, and then it still has to be voted on by the State Legislature. Hey, in the meantime there’s always Earl The Dead Cat.

60 Minutes’ Andy Rooney took the witness stand Monday in a case about a company that stiffed speakers it lined up to talk at events. When asked to swear to tell “nothing but the truth, so help you God” Rooney muttered, “I don’t know about God.” The judge lectured him, saying witnesses don’t get to ask questions, even if they are cranky old curmudgeonly commentators. He’s got a point though. Have you ever wondered about God? Why would he help anyone tell the truth? What’s he going to do if I don’t tell the truth, send a plague of locusts or some frogs? Make my eyebrows bushier? What really bugs me is people who bring God into the courtroom. I’m sure he has nothing better to do with his time. He’s got his hands full making cute little kittens, helping Tiger Woods sink a 20-foot putt, giving Grammy Award-winning singers those clear high notes, and trying to talk the College of Cardinals out of electing John Bolton as the new Pope. God doesn’t care if I tell the truth, I’m a commentator not a reporter. I get paid to make things up. And what about potato chip bags? Have you tried to open one lately……

Last month voters in Black Hawk County, Iowa went to the polls to choose whether to extend a local sales tax. When no one in the town of Jesup voted — either for or against it — officials wondered whether that meant it passed or failed. The Iowa Secretary of State’s Office decided it failed, since “Unless there are more votes for ‘yes’ than ‘no’, it doesn’t pass.” It turns out it doesn’t matter anyway since the town wouldn’t have seen a penny of the sales tax even had it passed. It seems part of the town is in Black Hawk County and part is in Buchanan. Since the distribution is based on the 20000 census — when no one lived in the Black Hawk part — they wouldn’t have seen any money had the 27 people who live there bothered to vote. It just proves that not voting for voter apathy is the same as voting for it.

A lot of praise has been heaped on Pope John Paull II in recent days, but none as deep, incisive, and heartfelt as that uttered by California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger when he described the Pope as “a very physical guy and very good at sports.” Hey, that’s nicer than anything he’s said about members of the California legislature, state nurses, or teachers.