The House of Representatives passed the $875 billion health care reform bill late Sunday night and President Obama is expected to sign it into law on Tuesday. Although some provisions will go into effect within several months, others won’t kick in until 2014, so unfortunately it will do little to help the rise in the nation’s collective blood pressure it caused anytime soon. So everyone please close your eyes, sit calmly, and say: Om-m-m-m-m….

The people of Huddersfield, England are looking at how best to celebrate the famous group that lived there 200 hundred years ago—the Luddites, who murdered mill owners and smashed machinery because the new technology threatened their livelihoods. The town is considering  building a museum, adding a heritage trail, and erecting a commemorative plaque. Just don’t expect any interactive exhibits, re-creation videos posted on YouTube, Facebook pages for the event, or any tweets while it’s in progress. You might, however, be able to receive a letter describing the activities sent by carrier pigeon.

Friends have told People magazine that Elizabeth Edwards was “disgusted” by the revealing photos of husband John Edwards’ mistress, Rielle Hunter, that are in the new issue of GQ. Not only are the photos disgusting, but she’s blonde, young, ruined her marriage, and doesn’t have cancer, dammit.

Michael Jackson has been signed to the biggest recording deal in history, nine months after he died. The $200 million contract with Sony Music Entertainment covers 10 projects over seven years, including an album of never-released recordings coming out in November, a video game, a DVD compilation of videos, a re-release of “Off the Wall,” and a soon to be recorded album of duets with Elvis Presley, John Lennon, Luther Vandross, and Freddy Mercury.

Aussiebum, the Australian swimwear company that offers men’s underwear that releases a chemical to make you feel refreshed and another pair that’s designed to make you look, uh, larger, has come out with Banana, white underwear made of 64% cotton, 9% Lycra, and 27% banana fiber. Seriously. So now they offer two styles for those who don’t have enough in their underwear.

The Treasury Department announced that the federal government posted its largest deficit on record during February, with spending outstripping revenue by a whopping $221 billion. This comes to $719.85 per person in the country. Oddly, that’s also the exact amount the bank says my personal deficit was in February too.

The Winter Olympics in Vancouver are over and all the medals have been given out. Maybe. It seems there’s one more that may need to be awarded—Most Condoms Used at an Olympic games. While condoms have been handed out since the 1992 Summer Olympics in Barcelona, this year Vancouver Coastal Health gave out 100,000 of them, 40,000 of which were passed out in the athlete villages. Considering 6,500 people were staying in those villages, that’s 15 per person. Talk about endurance, stamina, and going for the gold!

Researchers from the University of Warwick in England have unveiled the world’s first eco-race car, a Formula 3 model that can go from zero to 60 in 2.5 seconds and hit a top speed of 135 miles per hour while running on leftover chocolate, carrots, potato starch, and flax. Meanwhile, a Harvard University professor has created Le Whif, an inhaler that gives you a quick snort of chocolate without the calories, sticky fingers, or taste. Now if they’d only get together we could have a race car that runs on chocolate inhalers or snortable flax for those who want to race to the bathroom.

Rodney Alcala had a moment of fame years before his recent conviction for murdering four women and a child. It turns out that back in 1979 he was Bachelor No. 1 on “The Dating Game,” where host Jim Lange introduced him by saying he was, “A successful photographer who got his start when his father found him in the dark room at the age of 13, fully developed. Between takes you might find him skydiving or motorcycling.” No mention of serial killing. Contestant Cheryl Bradshaw chose him, but later decided not to go out with him. Smart move. Within months he abducted and murdered a 12-year-old girl, the first of his victims. Hey, it could have been worse. She might have chosen Bachelor No. 2 or Bachelor No. 3—Ted Bundy and Hannibal Lechter.

In an interview on the Today Show to plug his new book, “Courage and Consequence: My Life as a Conservative in the Fight,” former presidential adviser Karl Rove told Matt Lauer, “I wasn’t George Bush’s brain.” And to think, it was him or nothing.

The Federal Aviation Administration is investigating audio tapes of the control tower at JFK airport made during winter break in which a child’s voice can be heard directing pilots and clearing a plane for takeoff. The voice is later heard to ask how many planes have to take off before he can get to the next level, whether anyone has a computer he can use so he can search for a cheat that will unlock some weapons, and commenting that “Halo is much more fun.”

As if the impending change to Daylight Savings Time isn’t enough to throw off your internal clock and make you want to hit the snooze button, word comes from a scientist at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory that the recent 8.8 earthquake in Chile shortened the length of a day by 1.26 milliseconds. According to my calculations, another 68,571,428 earthquakes like that and our day will shrink to nothing and vanish. Take that, Einstein!

The California state Senate is set to vote today on a resolution that would designate the first week of March as “Cuss Free Week” in the state. Already passed by the Assembly, the measure would go into effect immediately—without a swearing in ceremony, of course— and become an annual event. Participation is encouraged but not required, it doesn’t specify which words are considered cusses and which aren’t, and if they don’t have the balls to pass the damn thing they’re nothing but a bunch of @*%!#^!&# wusses.

The publisher of Reader’s Digest has emerged from Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection and in condensed version, no less—they did it in less than six months and now have a lot less debt. All they need now is more bathrooms to put the magazine in.

A presidential shouting match erupted at a private luncheon for heads of state who were attending the “Latin American and Caribbean Unity Summit” being held in Cancun on Monday, with Hugo Chavez of Venezuela and Alvaro Uribe of Colombia calling each other names and using obscene language. Cuban President Raul Castro had to intervene, telling the peckerheads that it was a freakin’ unity conference and to stop being dicks.

Not everyone is down on Tiger Woods. Chris Brown, still on a downhill slide after assaulting then-girlfriend Rihanna, told a radio show host, “His personal life is his personal life. Nobody has the right to place judgment or make any judgment on somebody else’s personal life when they’re not directly involved with them.” Talk about the pot calling the kettle blackballed.

Not everyone is down on Tiger Woods. Chris Brown, still on a downhill slide after assaulting then-girlfriend Rihanna, told a radio show host, “His personal life is his personal life. Nobody has the right to place judgment or make any judgment on somebody else’s personal life when they’re not directly involved with them.” Talk about the pot calling the kettle blackballed.

A presidential shouting match erupted at a private luncheon for heads of state who were attending the “Latin American and Caribbean Unity Summit” being held in Cancun on Monday, with Hugo Chavez of Venezuela and Alvaro Uribe of Colombia calling each other names and using obscene language. Cuban President Raul Castro had to intervene, telling the peckerheads that it was a freakin’ unity conference and to stop being dicks.

The publisher of Reader’s Digest has emerged from Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection and in condensed version, no less—they did it in less than six months and now have a lot less debt. All they need now is more bathrooms to put the magazine in.