The Honolulu City Council is considering a bill that would impose a fine as high as $500 and/or up to six months in jail for bus riders who are stinky, be it from B.O., excess perfume, or Limburger cheese on their breath. Certs, Mitchum, and Febreze are all rooting for passage of the bill.
Kentucky State Rep. Darryl Owens has prefiled a bill for the 2010 General Assembly to stop public officials from having to swear that they haven’t been in a duel. Since 1849, anyone taking the oath of office has had to vow that “I, being a citizen of this state, have not fought a duel with deadly weapons within this State nor out of it, nor have I sent or accepted a challenge to fight a duel with deadly weapons, nor have I acted as second in carrying a challenge, nor aided or assisted any person thus offending, so help me God.” Considering there hasn’t been a duel in Kentucky since 1867, it’s probably safe to dump it. Not to worry. Dueling will still be illegal, though dueling banjos, Yu-Gi-Oh duels, and dual personalities will still be allowed. Cue the weird banjo player, please.
For 50 years the Ikea catalog has been printed using the Futura typeface. When theyrecently put out the new catalog they changed it to Verdana, a font developed by Microsoft that’s designed to be seen on computer screens. Catalog readers are up in arms, throwing virtual Swedish meatballs at the furniture marketer by demanding a reprint, signing online petitions, and hoping they’ll go back to the Futura. Apparently an Ingåträdstök in Verdana just isn’t the same as an Ingåträdstök in Futura.
One of the most prized possessions in the Rijksmuseum, the Dutch national museum, is a moon rock it acquired from former Prime Minister Willem Drees after his death in 1988. Drees had received it as a gift from then-U.S. ambassador J. William Middendorf during a visit by the Apollo 11 astronauts who brought it back from the moon. Now it turns out the “moon rock” is actually a chunk of petrified wood. It could have been worse. It might have been complete horse shit.
A study published in the American Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry found that people who are over 60 and consume as many as 28 alcoholic drinks a week were almost 30 per cent less likely to have dementia and Alzheimer’s later in life. Of course those consuming four drinks a day don’t remember what they did the night before any better, nor can they find their way home any easier, but at least they can sleep it off better knowing it’s not Alzheimer’s.
Visitors to the cathedral in Santiago de Compostela, Spain, are being asked not to kiss—or even hug—a statue of St. James the Apostle as is the custom, lest they pass along swine—I mean, H1N1—flu. They’ve even removed the holy water there. Same in Tokyo, where Catholic churches have drained the holy water from the basins and are asking church goers to bow to each other rather than shake hands. If you do have swine flu, you’d better hurry to Lourdes for healing before they close that too.
Not content with boring old square watermelons, the Japanese have developed heart and star-shaped cucumbers. Grown in plastic molds so slices come out star and heart-shaped, the cucumbers are selling for 300 yen ($2.50) each. If they really want to make money they should start growing tomatoes that look like Jesus and sell them on eBay.
A passenger on a Southwest flight from Oakland to Las Vegas couldn’t wait for the wild fun to start, so a half hour into the flight, 21-year-old Darius Chappille exposed himself to the woman sitting next to him. When she screamed, he punched her, took off all his clothes, and was finally subdued by flight attendants and passengers who held him on the floor while the plane returned to Oakland. Ten sheriff’s deputies stormed the plane and arrested him, proving that what happens in Vegas may stay in Vegas, but what happens on the way can get you arrested.
According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics there’s a bright spot in the high unemployment picture. With fewer people working, and those who remain working fewer hours with more furloughs, the number of workers who died on the job fell by 12 percent. On the other hand, workplace suicides jumped 28 percent, so maybe it’s only an aluminum foil lining.
The French town of Granville has banned circus elephants from bathing at its beaches because, well, one time elephants from a traveling circus were allowed to frolic in the surf and afterwards inspectors found traces of droppings in the water. They’re also considering banning wombats from sunbathing, meerkats from windsurfing, and unicorns from being lifeguards because, hey, you can never be too careful.
With summer winding to a close, it’s time to get in all the ice cream you can while the getting’s good. For something a little different, you might consider going to La Casa Gelato in Vancouver, Canada, where they offer 218 flavors at any given time, including delights like dandelion, curry, cranberry rosemary, or ginger garlic. Too dull? Head to Japan where you can find flavors like corn, tomato, fried eggplant, octopus, and even lettuce-and-potato. Actually, Breyer’s Natural Vanilla sounds pretty darned good at the moment.
The new cast for Dancing With the Stars has been announced, and along with stars like Sabrina The Teenage Witch, Backstreet Boys Nick Carter’s younger brother, and little bit rock and roll Donny Osmond is none other than former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, proving that being the first congressional leader to be indicted doesn’t mean you have no career left. Especially when the show’s first choices—Michael Jackson, Topo Gigio, and Michael Vick’s dogs—weren’t available.
A report by the Agriculture Department says that a middle-income family in the United States can expect to spend $291,570 to raise a child born in 2008 to the age of 18. And the rest of their life thinking about how much fun they could have had with all that money.
The Schleswig-Holstein regional health ministry in Germany has asked the 75,000 fans attending Wacken Open Air, one of the world’s biggest heavy metal festivals, to avoid “hugging, kissing on the cheek, and shaking hands,” not to mention sharing bottles of beer, in order to lessen the risk of spreading H1N1 influenza. Not to worry. Moshing, head banging, and giving the sign of devil horns is still okay.
When the Wisconsin Department of Transportation replaced a sign on Interstate 39 indicating the business exit for the towns of Rothschild and Schofield, the only word they managed to spell correctly was “exit.” Yes, it read: “Exit 185 Buisness 51 Rothschield Schofeild.” The company that made the sign, Decker Supply Co. of Madison, WI, swares they’ll due hit rite necksed thyme.
Keith Griffin of Jensen Beach, FL has been charged with 10 counts of possession of child pornography after detectives found more than 1,000 images on his computer. Griffin claims that, yes, his cat downloaded it. He says he’d leave the computer on, the cat would jump on the keyboard, and when he came back there was all kinds of strange things downloaded. He’s in Martin County Jail in lieu of $250,000 bail because the dog ate his check book.
Cremation Solutions, a Vermont company that sells urns and cremation accessories—you know, like jewelry that holds ashes, diamonds made from ashes, and glass globes with ashes inside—is now offering urns that look like your dead loved one so you “never forget a face.” They use 3-D imaging technology to make the urn from a photograph, then you fill it with your loved one’s remains. A full-size head urn holds all of an adult’s ashes, while the mini holds just some of them. They also offer to make urns that look like your “favorite celebrity or hero,” perfect for those who would rather forget a face.
A 41-year-old man who had been banned from an ear-cleaning salon in Tokyo went to the home of a woman who worked there, stabbing her and her grandmother. The grandmother died. Tokyo police say…wait a minute…an ear-cleaning salon?
George Costanza has been redeemed.In order to get Brazilians to conserve water, an environmental group is running TV ads encouraging people to urinate in the shower with the tag line, “Pee in the shower! Save the Atlantic rainforest!” They would have used George’s line “It’s all pipes” but didn’t want to pay the royalties.
According to an interview in an upcoming issue of Vanity Fair, Ryan O’Neal inadvertently hit on his daughter Tatum. At the funeral of his wife, Farrah Fawcett, no less. “It had been a few years since we’d seen each other,” Tatum said, confirming the story. Gee, I wonder why.
