Crocodiles have edged out elephants as the most dangerous animal to man in Zimbabwe. Last year crocs ate 13 people there, elephants trampled 12, and buffaloes and hippopotamuses, considered some of Africa’s most dangerous animals, only killed one person apiece. Slackers. And to think, all we have to worry about while walking around is cars, muggers, and people trying to get us to sign political petitions.
Greg Hogan, the sophomore class president at Lehigh University, walked into Wachovia Bank the other day and robbed it of $2,871. He was arrested at his fraternity house later that evening. Sure the results of the Strong Interest Inventory he took in high school recommended he become a priest, a farmer, or a bank robber, but he should have waited to complete his upper level courses before starting his field work.
According to The Sun, Britain’s impeccable news source, the latest Superman is showing his bulges too much, and we’re not talking about his biceps. Even though the wardrobe crew has fitted actor Brandon Routh with a special codpiece in his tights, reports are that the studio may still need to erase his, uh, super endowment digitally. Hey, PG doesn’t mean “Plentiful Girth,” you know. No word on whether Lois gets to ask, “Is that a piece of steel you bent with your bare hands or are you happy to see me?”
Dick Van Patten, who will never live down his stint on Eight Is Enough, is putting out a line of dog food, and just to show how good it is he ate some at a media luncheon. While he sampled the “Irish Stew” flavor, it also comes in spaghetti and meatballs, hobo chili, and the charmingly generic “Chinese takeout.” Let’s hope he doesn’t reverse the roles by extending the line to include snacks for people in flavors like Liver with Gravy, Lamb and Rice, and Cat Poop with Chunky Litter.
In a news conference yesterday, the president of Iran suggested that Israel be moved to Europe. Of course he didn’t say who would pay the shipping expenses. White House spokesman Scott McClellan said, “It just further underscores our concerns about the regime in Iran,” then went on to suggest that should it work out, we might want to consider moving Washington, DC to Texas, France to the South Pole, and Mexico to the United States. Oh sorry, the last one’s already in progress.
A Michigan real estate developer now owns what could be the world’s most expensive piece of real estate after paying $1,752 for a square-inch piece of land. In Indiana, no less. The money covers back taxes owed on the 0.0000000159-acre plot, which were it a full acre would cost $10 billion, though chances are there would be a quantity discount. Officials aren’t sure exactly why the plot is so small, but they’re certain that the buyer’s bank account is too large. There are no plans to build on the land, at least not until nanotechnology is perfected, at which time it could serve as a flea circus, roach motel, or home for the buyer’s common sense.
When Gary Boswell and Greg Thornock tied in the Eureka, Utah City Council election last November, state law said they needed to cast lots to break the tie. So yesterday they drew cards. When they turned them over, Boswell had the queen of diamonds. Thornock had the seven of clubs. Thornock sat and waited for someone to tell him who won since he “wasn’t sure what his seven of clubs meant.” Once again, Darwin is proven to be correct.
Want music with that sandwich? You’ll be able to have just that later this week when the British supermarket chain Tesco starts selling sandwiches in boxes that play music when you open them. The first sandwich is turkey and cranberry sauce with pork and cranberry stuffing, and it will play a medley of Christmas music including Jingle Bells, Santa Claus is Coming to Town and We Wish You Some Merry Rolaids. If it’s successful look for tacos that play Light My Fire, fish and chips that play Salmon Chanted Evening, and cheese on baguette that plays Let It Brie.
The former interim prime minister of Iraq and his bodyguards were attacked when they left a shrine in Najaf, Iraq yesterday. The crowd reportedly tried to assassinate him using guns, knives, and even, yes, footwear. No wonder we have to remove our shoes when going through security at the airport.
Researchers at the University of Arkansas have developed a way to convert chicken fat into fuel. Seriously. They say not only will a car run on it, but run better because Chicken Fat Supreme with Oy-101 will “burn better, create less particulate matter and actually lubricate and clean things like cylinders, pistons and fuel lines.” Of course it could also mean having to decide whether to drive to grandma’s for Hanukkah or make chopped liver.
A former fingernail designer in Austria has been charged with insurance fraud for deliberately putting his hands under a passing train and cutting off a thumb, index finger, and pinky so he could collect on a $1.17 million policy he took out a few months earlier. Baffled police are still trying to figure out what the hell a fingernail designer is.
On Tuesday, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld stopped the Iraqi insurgency – by banning the use of the word insurgent. He suggested that as a substitute reporters call them “enemies of the legitimate Iraqi government.” Or EOTLIGs for short. He’s expected to start calling the Iraqi war the “Gulf unpleasantness,” refer to dead U.S. soldiers as “permanently immobilized forces,” and talk about maimed Iraqi civilians as “flotsam.”
A professor at the University of Northern Iowa is trying to get a government grant to start a body farm. You know, where they bury human bodies and watch them decompose so CSI can more accurately depict the process and boost its ratings. It would be the second body farm in the U.S, the other being at the University of Tennessee’s Forensic Anthropology Center where for 30 years they’ve been watching bodies decay after burying them in shallow dirt graves, submerging them in a pond, and exposing them to bugs and rats. Kind of like Fear Factor for the dead. And they say small farms are dying off.
Tu Jin-Sheng, the grandmaster of a branch of Qigong called Iron Crotch, towed a truck several yards using his penis. He tied fabric around the base of his penis and testicles, made sure it was on tight, had an assistant “kick him hard between the legs,” then attached the fabric to the truck and yanked. I mean, pulled. It’s not clear what the hard kick was for, but then I prefer calling AAA so what do I know?
– And you think you ate too much? – 105-pound Sonya Thomas beat seven men in the GoldenPalace.com Thanksgiving Invitational by chowing down a whole 10-pound roasted bird in 12 minutes. She walked away with $2,500 and hopefully no appetite.
– But will she be stuffed? – Ruth M. Siems, who helped find the ideal bread crumb size for Stove Top stuffing, died of a heart attack yesterday. The instant gratification stuffing, 60 million boxes of which are sold around Thanksgiving, was patented in 1975. Eaters are requested to have a forkful of silence in her honor today.
– The World’s Biggest Turkey – Tom “Understated” Cruise bought fiancee Katie Holmes an early Christmas present. He bought her a sonogram machine so they can watch Baby Cruise grow, and he didn’t even wait for the post-Thanksgiving sales. Hey, it beats sitting around watching Cocktail again.
What’s the top priority in a German’s life? Love? Money? Raising a family? A new BMW every year? Nein. According to a recent survey, nine out of ten Germans think the most important goal in life is to have good academic degrees. Who needs a soul mate if you can put “Ph.D” after your name?
The water board of Santa, Idaho, the only governing body they have in the town, voted to accept a proposal to rename the town SecretSanta.com. Apparently Santa wasn’t silly enough and StupidIdea.com was already taken. This follows on the heels of Clark, Texas, which recently changed its name to Dish to honor the satellite service, and Halfway, Oregon which started the recent name change fad when it became Half.com for a year. Don’t be surprised if Washington, DC takes the name of the reality show and becomes Big Brother, Knoxville morphs into K-Y Jelly, KY, and you’re asked to donate money to save the Amazon.com Rain Forest.
Sadrine Helene Sellies was flying from Hong Kong to Brisbane, Australia on Saturday when she craved a cigarette. Not wanting to bother her fellow passengers, she did the courteous thing — she walked to one of the emergency exits with an unlit cigarette and a lighter in her hand and tried to open the door. She was arrested, put on probation and, despite her excuse that she took sleeping pills with alcohol before takeoff, has been known to sleepwalk, and the dog ate her common sense, was put on probation.
The Chiang Mai Night Safari Zoo in Thailand is opening on New Year’s Day, and as a part of the festivities they’re having an “Exotic Buffet” that will feature dog, tiger, lion, elephant, and giraffe. Not as guests or on display, but as main dishes. Oh my! Coming soon, a sushi bar at the Bangkok Aquarium and a campaign urging people to “Eat more baby seal.”
QUESTION: What is wrong with this sentence?
“Come to California. Maybe Maria’s going to cook some wienerschnitzel when you come!”
