The acting Secretary-General of the Nigerian Football Association said it’s okay for referees in Nigeria to take bribes from football clubs but it shouldn’t influence their decisions. “Referees should only pretend to fall for the bait,” he said, “but make sure the result doesn’t favor those offering the bribe.” U.S. Senators, who passed a bill this week that bans lawmakers from accepting gifts or meals from lobbyists, are trying to figure out if they can work the concept into the bill before the House considers it next week.

It’s not all work for President Bush, who’s in Cancun for talks with Mexican President Vicente Fox and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper. Taking a break, the three took an hour-long tour of the ancient Mayan ruins at Chichen Itza. Said Bush, “I don’t think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees. Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job.”

An Associated Press-Ipsos poll found that nearly three-quarters of Americans hear profanity in public frequently or occasionally, which isn’t surprising since 64% said they use the F-word. WTF?!? In related news, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia used an Italian hand gesture — cupping his hand under his chin and flicking his fingers backward — the other day in response to a question from a reporter. The Boston Herald called it “an obscene gesture under his chin,” while a Supreme Court spokesperson said it wasn’t obscene, it was “dismissive.” At least he didn’t take a tip from the Dick Cheney Heated Expression Phrase Book.

Robert Baker, the man who invented chicken nuggets, died last week. A Professor of Poultry Science at Cornell University — there’s a college major you don’t hear much about — he also came up with turkey ham, chicken dogs, and chicken pastrami. Yum! We can’t, however, pin chicken fingers, Subservient Chicken, Chicken Soup For the Soul, or Chicken of the Sea on him. Those perpetrators are still on the loose. You’ve been warned.

A survey commissioned by Britain’s Post Office found that 40% of men and 27% of women make phone calls while naked. Hopefully not to their Mum. It also found that one in 10 have wandered off and left the caller talking to themselves. Hopefully they wandered off to find their knickers.

French President Jacques Chirac was so outraged to hear a fellow Frenchman speak English at a European Union summit the other day that he and his delegation got up and walked out. “It is not just national interest, it is in the interest of culture and the dialogue of cultures,” he said. Also in the interest of culture and the dialogue of cultures, he refuses to eat English muffins, listen to music played on the English horn, dip even his big toe into the English Channel, or put any spin on the ball when playing tennis or billiards.

According to a list posted at The Smoking Gun, Dick Cheney has some room requirements that need to be taken care of before he checks into a hotel. There needs to be decaf coffee and decaf diet Sprite, the TV must be tuned to — hold onto your hats now! — Fox news, and there must be a microwave oven, presumably in case his pacemaker needs to be jump started. There’s no mention of raw meat, shotgun shells, or a Scowl-o-Meter in the bathroom so he can look in the mirror and practice.

The U.S. Senate voted Thursday to raise the national debt to nearly $9 trillion, which amounts to about $28,ooo of debt per person. I sure hope that doesn’t count against my credit rating.

According to Rabbi David Basri, a prominent Israeli Kabbalist, an outbreak of bird flu in Israel is God’s punishment for election ads that are promoting the legalization of gay marriages. He has also said Arabs are “the scum of snakes,” gays are “subhuman” and will be reincarnated as rabbits, Madonna is a smokin’ hot biatch, and that this isn’t the first time he’s channeled Pat Robertson.

A big topic among movie theater owners at the ShoWest conference in Las Vegas last week was how to get people back into the theaters. The president of the National Association of Theater Owners says they’re going to ask the FCC for permission to jam cell phone reception, which is currently illegal in the U.S., so people can’t use their cell phones during a movie. That will definitely make it more enjoyable to pay more for the tickets than the babysitter costs, buy huge tubs of the cheapest snack product known to mankind at a 920% markup, have your feet stick to the floor, sit through a half hour of commercials and coming attractions, and listen to people talking throughout the whole movie.

Bisbee, Arizona City Councilman Bob Kasun was re-elected Tuesday in a landslide (246 to 83), in spite of the fact that he died nine days before the election. Councilwoman Luche Giacomino, who was also re-elected even though she’s still alive, said, “I am just tickled to death that Bob won.” Nice choice of words.

Jessica Simpson turned down an invitation to meet President Bush at a National Republican Congressional Committee fundraiser because, well, it was being sponsored by the Republican party. NRCC spokesman Carl Forti said he was surprised because, “It’s never been a problem for Bono.” Simpson explained, “I don’t care how many times Cher’s dead ex-husband meets with the president, I still need to wash my hair.”

Customs agents searching the apartment of a man who was arrested for smuggling cash and counterfeit money into the country found something else – 250 fake billion dollar bills. They were yellowed, wrinkled, had an issue date of 1934, and featured Grover Cleveland on them. Of course there is no such thing as a one billion dollar bill, but not everybody knows that. Maybe the government could use them to pay for the war in Iraq. We’d get $3 billion change back and lord knows we could make good use of that petty cash.

If you’ve been searching high and low for a vegan stuffed toy, you’re in luck. Your therapist has an opening on Wednesday morning at 9:00 am. In the meantime, you can pick up Tofu Bear, a stuffed toy whose fur is made out of fiber that’s extruded from soy bean cake. Seriously. Sure it costs $40, which is about three times a regular stuffed bear. And yes, it has a face. But can you really put a price on a vegan, shade-grown, fair trade, caffeine-free toy for your child?

The 21st century has finally arrived at the Vatican. Okay, in one way, anyway. Pope Benedict XVI got an iPod Nano as a present from those lovely people at Vatican Radio, so now he can stroll through the halls wearing his white earphones, which luckily match his favorite robe. The iPod’s been loaded with religious music, Beethoven, Mozart, and Chopin. How long will it be before he bags that stuff and has a playlist featuring Faith, Personal Jesus, Lady Madonna, Knocking on Heaven’s Door, Crucify Myself, and Walk on the Ocean?

High school students in Chicago are required to take driver’s education and pass a written exam about the rules of the road if they want to graduate. Even blind students. Hey, at least they don’t have to pass the road test.

1. A man in Williston, N.D., walked into a bank wearing a ski mask and demanded money from the tellers, then told them he was “just kidding.” He could get five years in jail and a $5,000 fine. Now that’s funny.

2. Three college students have been arrested on charges of setting fires that damaged or destroyed nine Baptist churches in Alabama. One of the suspects called it “a joke, and it got out of hand.” College kids these days…

3. Carrot Top is playing at the Luxor in Las Vegas at least through November. Now that’s funny. But should be illegal.

Students at Singapore Polytechnic have genetically modified a plant using a green fluorescent marker gene from jellyfish so it glows when it needs water. They’re now trying to train it to blink twice if it needs to be repotted, three times if it wants more sunlight, and put on an elaborate flashing light show when it wants to hear the soundtrack to Saturday Night Fever.

Vice President Dick Cheney warned Iran yesterday that if they continue moving forward with their nuclear weapons program they’ll face “meaningful consequences.” Later in the speech to a pro-Israel lobbying group he clarified his stance, saying “I’ll Whittington the bastards. I swear I will.”

According to the Capitol Weekly, Elizabeth Arkley, an 18-year-old high school student from Eureka, has given $44,600 to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s re-election campaign. And wouldn’t you know it, that’s the maximum allowed by law. Darn! Hopefully Elizabeth has a part-time job, otherwise that means that even with a $25-a-week allowance she’s been saving up for 1,784 weeks, or since she was -16 years old.