Researchers mapping the genome of the pinot noir grape have discovered that it has about 30,000 genes in its DNA, which is 5,000-10,000 more than us supposedly highly developed humans have. Odd since grapes all look alike, don’t have opposable thumbs—or any thumbs for that matter, and are at least 500 billion years from being able to walk upright. On the other hand, we can’t have a top note of wet dog, a bouquet of cigar box, or overtones of cat pee. Well, unless we’ve been eating asparagus.

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The Nepal Mountaineering Association is thinking about banning nudity and attempts to set “obscene records” on Mount Everest after a climber took off his clothes on the summit for several minutes last year. The president of the group says locals worship the mountain as a god and the government should ban disrespectful stunts. Not to mention that disrobing in temperatures as low as -50F can cause frostbite of the genitals and, as John Wayne Bobbitt can attest, a prosthesis just doesn’t cut it.

The state of Oregon has ordered Mike and Shelly Udink to turn in the vanity license plates they’ve had for as long as seven years because, according to the state, their Dutch last name is similar to a bad word. No longer can their cars have the license plates UDINK1, UDINK2, and UDINK3. A DMV spokesman says the “U” could be construed as “You” — wow, who would’ve thought it? — and the “Dink” could be misconstrued as, well, I can venture a guess but I’ve never heard the term, and lord knows I’ve heard plenty of them. Something tells me the president wouldn’t have this problem. They’d probably give him sequential license plates from 1Bush through 8Bush and not ask the first question.

Zara, the Spanish-owned woman’s fashion clothing chain, pulled a $78 handbag from the shelves after a customer complained that the purse had green swastikas embroidered on it. The company said the bags had been made in India where the swastika is a Hindu good luck symbol. In New York City, where he’s scheduled to speak at the United Nations, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad denied the handbags ever existed.

Legendary mime Marcel Marceau died in Paris over the weekend at the age of 84. There’s no word about the funeral arrangements yet but it’s expected he’ll be buried in an invisible coffin that will be lowered by an invisible rope the pallbearers will pretend to hold onto while mourners wipe imaginary tears from their eyes. The service will be followed by one minute of silence.

A professor at Cornell University’s Food and Brand Lab found that we don’t eat more because the food is good or we’re hungry, we do it because it’s visible and convenient. Brian Wansink says you’ll eat more if you dine family style — which means having serving bowls on the table, not fighting and arguing through dinner, if you eat directly from the bag or container, and if you ‘re served a large portion. In related news, Tyler Riewer of Lincoln, Nebraska, has been eating the same food with each meal for the past 30 days to fulfil a promise. Unfortunately for him the food is Spam. Hopefully he’s taking Professor Wansink’s advice and not serving it family style, not serving himself large portions, and lord help us, not eating right from the can.

Even though Dona Chepa, a 9-year-old Puerto Rican horse, finished last at Camarero Racetrack on Wednesday, she’s still a winner. That’s because the brown mare became the losingest horse in racing history, having blown 125 consecutive races. Hay — I mean, hey! — it’s not like she never came close to winning, one time in May 2003 she actually finished second. As your mother always told you: If at first you don’t succeed, try 124 more times.

Just in case ugliness and hyper-trendiness aren’t enough reasons not to wear them, there’s been a rash of reports about people, particularly young children, who have suffered foot injuries because their Crocs got caught in an escalator. American Girl stores have posted signs in three locations telling customers who are wearing them to use elevators instead of escalators. The Washington Metro has posted ads warning riders not to wear them on the moving stairways. You’ve been warned — Hipness is its own punishment.

A report issued by the Texas Traffic Institute found that in 2005 commuters wasted 4.2 billion hours sitting in traffic. That’s 38 hours — nearly a full work week — per driver, 2.9 billion gallons of gas and, including the time lost, a cost to the country of $78.2 billion. To put that in perspective, if everyone were to stop commuting and started working at or closer to home, we’d save enough money to build 293,000 new houses, buy everyone’s gas for the next 7.5 months, or finance another year in Iraq.

If you’re going to Minneapolis there’s a new tourist attraction that’s edging out the Sculpture Garden, Mall of America, and the statue of Mary Tyler Moore throwing her hat up in the air — the bathroom stall at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport where Senator Larry Craig was arrested in a sex sting. “People have been going inside, taking pictures of the stall, taking pictures outside the bathroom door,” a man who works at a shoeshine shop near the bathroom said. Not wanting to miss out on a golden opportunity, airport officials say they’re planning to build a Water Closet Log Flume ride, the Wide Stance Batting Cage for people who swing both ways, and the Larry Craig Career Roller Coaster.

An 18-year-old Czech motorcyclist fell off his bike during a race and had his head run over. When he came to 45 minutes later he spoke fluent English without any trace of a Czech accent, not bad considering he only knew a few words of English before the race. Alas, it was too good to last. He returned to the Czech Republic to recuperate and for two days had no memory of the accident. When his memory returned, his English vanished. As they say, “Bez bolesti ,vzejít bez bolesti událost!”

Italy went on a pasta strike today. People across the country refused to buy pasta to protest an impending 20% price increase due to rising wheat costs. They didn’t stop eating it, of course, they just didn’t buy any. Expect store shelves to be emptied of linguine first thing tomorrow morning.

Forget watching oil stocks, junk bonds, and pork belly futures, there’s a new economic indicator to keep your eye on. After Prime Minister Shinzo Abe announced his resignation yesterday, manga, anime, and video game-related stocks rose on the Tokyo Stock Exchange, some jumping as high as 71%. The reason? Aso Taro, who’s expected to succeed Abe, is a big manga and anime fan. Can the Manga & Anime 500, Robot and Ninja Futures Market, and Fidelity Hentai Hedge Fund be far behind?

Have trouble getting out of bed in the morning? A new alarm clock called Clocky will help. You get to hit the snooze button once. If you don’t wake up the clock-on-wheels rolls off your nightstand and zips around the room, beeping randomly with the screen flashing, forcing you to get out of bed and smash it to shut it up so you can go back to sleep. Available in almond, aqua, mint, and mustard for only $49.95. Hammer not included.

Just in time for the High Holidays, Temple Emanu-El in Miami, Florida, tried to sell two (count ’em, 2!) lifetime seats in the synagogue on eBay for $1.8 million but for some reason didn’t get any takers. A shame since they were in good seats (“Section DD, Row 1, Seats 1 & 2. Right in front of the Rabbi!”), included free parking, custom-made prayer shawls and yarmulkes, and the family name would be engraved on the seats. It’s actually not a bad deal when you realize the Belz hassidic synagogue in Jerusalem is charging $50,000 a seat, and that’s just for the 2007 High Holiday season. If tickets to holiday services cost that much, how much do you have to shell out for a seat in heaven?

A report in the journal Science says an experiment showed that 2-year-old children have more sophisticated social learning skills than chimpanzees, though the chimps turned out to be better at simple math. In related news, President Bush yesterday praised business leaders at an APEC (Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation) forum for being “such a fine host for the OPEC summit,” thanked Australian Prime Minister John Howard for sending “Austrian troops” to Iraq, then strode away from the lectern the wrong way, where he would have stepped off the stage had the Prime Minister not stopped him. Luckily there was no math test.

Researchers at the Centre for Public Health at Liverpool John Moores University found that, shockingly, rock stars are more likely to die before reaching old age than the rest of us, mostly thanks to alcohol and drug abuse. While for British rockers the risk of dying remains high until about 25 years after their first success, in the U.S. aging musicians are almost twice as likely to suffer a premature death, particularly from heart attack or stroke. The researchers say this could be related to the popularity of reunion tours in the U.S. which gives the musicians more years in which to enjoy an “unhealthy rock ’n’ roll lifestyle.” So remember, when they say it’s their Final Tour they may be telling the truth.

The U.S. misplaced five cruise missiles armed with nuclear warheads last week but don’t worry, they turned up. Mistakenly mounted on the wings of a B-52 bomber that flew from North Dakota to Louisiana, but hey, at least they were found. Luckily it wasn’t a bombing training run. The AFP news agency says President Bush was informed of the mix-up. “Mistakes happen,” he probably said. “I once wanted to send troops to Iran but said Iraq by accident. Heh-heh-heh. Good thing I didn’t say France by mistake. Hmmmm, maybe I should have. Hey, do you think those cruise missiles could be those WMD things we were looking for?”

Officials at Nepal Airlines sacrificed two goats in front of a Boeing 757 craft that had been having technical problems, in an attempt to appease Akash Bhairab, the Hindu sky god. Apparently it worked. They say the plane is fixed and is flying again. Perhaps other airlines should follow suit. China Airlines could sacrifice a chicken to keep their planes from going up in flames. USAirways, which has the worst on-time record of all airlines this year, should seriously consider sacrificing their CEO. Other American airlines, however, don’t need to bother, they sacrifice the comfort of their passengers daily.

Discovery Canyon Campus elementary school in Colorado Springs, CO, has banned playing tag on the school playground because some children complained they were being harassed or chased against their will. Uh, isn’t that what tag is about? The children, their self-esteem now boosted, can still play running games as long as they don’t chase each other. Gee, that sounds like fun. Maybe from now on they should play musical chairs with more than enough chairs for all the kids so no one feels left out, hide and seek in a large open space so everyone can be found without undue frustration, and hopscotch without the squares so there’s no chance of anyone feeling foolish by stepping on a line.