Argentine President Cristina Fernandez says eating pork can improve your sex life. “I’d say it’s a lot nicer to eat a bit of grilled pork than take Viagra,” she said in a televised speech. She went on to explain that she recently ate pork and “things went very well that weekend.” [Insert favorite eating pork or South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford joke here.]

Groundhog Day is almost here, the time when Punxsutawney Phil and Bill Murray come out of hibernation, we find out if spring is right around the corner, and PETA, as usual, tries to spoil the fun. That’s right, an official for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) came out and said it’s unfair and cruel to keep America’s favorite groundhog in captivity and subject him to huge crowds and bright lights like some rodent Hannah Montana. They suggest letting him go and using RoboPhil, an animatronic model, instead. Since the group’s official spoke publicly and saw his shadow, be prepared for at least six more weeks of PETA.

First China wants to censor the Internet, now a group of ultra-Orthodox “haredi” rabbis in Israel are telling their followers to boycott websites that are filled with “gossip, slander… filth and abominations.” You know, like heredi websites run by their followers. In a letter published in ultra-Orthodox newspapers, 21 top rabbis said, “We must vilify these sites and purge them from our midst.” It takes self-loathing to new virtual places.

Mircea Geoana, who was defeated in his bid to become President of Romania, claims he lost unfairly. No, he doesn’t think winner Traian Basescu stuffed the ballot box, prevented people from voting, or deliberately glued hanging chads on ballots to confuse people. Instead he claims Basecu used an occult “violet flame,” negative energy generated by purple ties and sweaters, and the help of a parapsychologist the Romanian Association of Transpersonal Psychology (RAT-P) says specializes in deep mind control, clairvoyance and hypnotic trances to win. It makes you long for the days of good sportsmanship, graceful losers, and explanations like “The dog ate the ballot box” or “Sarah Palin was on the ticket,” doesn’t it?

William Shaw of Airdrie, Scotland, gave new meaning to being a tree hugger when he was arrested in a public park with his pants and underpants around his knees trying to have sex with a tree. He pleaded not guilty in court yesterday and was let out on bail as long as he stays out of the park. In his defense, it was by all accounts a really hot looking elm. And he did have wood.

Sometimes status updates and tweets just don’t tell enough juicy details about your personal life. That’s why it’s good that someone started Blippy, a new web site that broadcasts details about what you’ve been buying. Just sign up, enter your credit card information, and voila! In no time people will see where you shopped, how much you paid, and in many cases what you bought. Remember, it’s not possible to be so egocentric as to think everyone isn’t interested in every detail of your life. Yet.

Starting in a couple of weeks, Holiday Inn hotels in London and Manchester England will be offering a new service that makes turning down the covers and leaving a chocolate on your pillow old boring hat. All you have to do is ask and they’ll send someone to your room to warm up your bed before you climb in. Seriously. The bed warmer will wear a head-to-toe sleeper suit and spend five minutes curled up in your sheets to make them warm, toasty, and give them that lovely “a stranger’s been sleeping in my bed” feel. According to a spokeswoman for Holiday Inn, it’s ”like having a giant hot water bottle in your bed.” A living, breathing hot water bottle that’s been climbing in and out of other people’s beds for the past several hours.

A scientist from the University of Bristol in England says he’s uncovered evidence at a Spanish excavation that proves Neanderthals wore jewelry and makeup. Meanwhile visitors to any mall in New Jersey can see that they still do.

A company in Michigan has decided that the computer world’s emoticons are sorely lacking one important feeling to convey—sarcasm. That’s why Sarcmark has created a sarcasm mark. It’s not an emoticon, it’s actually a mark you can add to emails, IMs and other documents right from your keyboard. And it looks like this: . It’s available for a bunch of platforms (sorry, no iPhone version yet), comes with often complicated instructions on how to install and use it, and only costs $1.99 per computer or device. Yes, that’s for each one. This is without a doubt exactly what we’ve been needing—to pay for a new emoticon! [Put favorite sarcasm emoticon here]

A few days ago an Australian man walked into a gas station holding a knife and told the clerk to give him all the money in the cash register. Lucky for him he wore a plastic bag over his head as a disguise. Unlucky for him it was a clear plastic bag so his face was captured on the surveillance video.

It’s no big news that Google’s getting its tentacles into everything, from books to maps, cell phones to toilet paper. Yes, toilet paper. In Vietnam there’s a new brand of toilet paper named “Google” that’s, uh, cleaning up. It’s up for grabs whether it’s trademark infringement or bad spelling —”New Goggle brand toilet paper is softer than cardboard!”—but one thing’s for certain, you shouldn’t have to search hard to find it.

After an argument with his wife, a man in Xining, China, went to a cyber cafe where he played online games for four straight days without sleeping, at which time he lost his sight and had to be taken to the hospital. Doctors say it was temporary blindness and the man will be okay. Well, as soon as his thumbs stop twitching, he quits trying to change the angle at which he views the world by pushing buttons on the TV remote, and he divorces the online character he married in a virtual Las Vegas chapel.

In Bali they leave offerings by computers to help keep them running. In London the other day, the Rev. Canon David Parrott of St. Lawrence Jewry church performed his version by reciting a blessing over parishioners’ cell phones, laptops, and PDAs, a welcome change from the curses these devices so often endure.

“In the name of Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Grace Hopper, we ask that you give this device a spiritual reboot, protect it from crashing, and show Apple the light so it will allow a Google Voice app to be approved. Amen.”

In a radio interview, former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich said it was stupid of him to have told Esquire magazine that he’s “blacker than Barack Obama” and that he doesn’t actually believe it anyway. “Ask Harry Reid,” he said. “He’ll tell you I’m actually light skinned and have no Negro dialect. Well, unless I want one, of course.”

A study done at the Alzheimer’s Disease Research Center in Florida found that the same cell phone radiation that some people think causes brain tumors can actually protect memory, prevent dementia, and even reverse Alzheimer’s disease. At least in mice. While it’s too soon to know if it has the same effect on humans, at least it’s good to know that cell phone-talking mice will have an easier time remembering where they left their iPhones than those who use landlines.

The other day Helmut Kichmeier, whose stage name is Hannibal Helmurto when he performs with England’s Circus of Horrors, was practicing putting himself into a hypnotic trance while staring into a mirror. When his wife came home five hours later she found him staring blankly into the mirror, unable to respond to her voice. She called the hypnotherapist who had taught him the skill and he managed to talk Kichmeier out of the trance. It’s a good thing the hypnotherapist was home. And that Kichmeier hadn’t been practicing to become a brain surgeon.

A poll published by Jean Gross, England’s Communications Champion—a new post created by the Children’s Secretary, in case that clears anything up—found that more children uttered “Dada” as their first word, not “Mama” as you’d expect. The third most common word was “cat,” though some parents claim their child’s first word was “beer” or “Hoover.” That’s Hoover as in the British word for vacuum cleaner, not the dam, 31st President, ex-head of the FBI, or the parents whose child would actually say that.

If you’re not feeling particularly good about the shape you’re in after the holiday season, be glad you’re not a member of BeautifulPeople.com. As a part of their ban on “ugly people,” they expelled more than 5,000 members who had been reported by other members after posting photos that showed they’d put on weight over the holidays. But not to worry, when they re-beautify themselves they can apply to be reinstated. And in the meantime they can always join ExtraHolidayPounds.com, UseToBeABeautifulPerson.com, and PeopleOfWalmart.com.