For the first time, Jews in Israel can smoke cigarettes that are kosher for Passover this year. Last month a private group which certifies foods as kosher said Noblesse, Time, and Golf brand cigarettes may now be smoked during the holiday without guilt. Okay, with less guilt. A spokesperson, when asked whether it was appropriate, said, “Nu? You want to kill yourself? Far be it for us to tell you what to do. Go ahead, kill yourself slowly. Is it any of my business? You want quickly, maybe? The hardware store down the street, my brother Moishe works there, maybe he’s got kosher D-con. Tell him I sent you, he’ll give you wholesale. Feh!”

After his surprise visit to Baghdad on Sunday, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry (2nd from the right — no, not that photo, that’s Ringo) couldn’t resist recreating the cover of The Beatles Abbey Road album as he walked across the tarmac of Baghdad International Airport with members of his staff. “I wanted to do the butcher version of their Yesterday and Today album but I found out Hilary already did that in Lebanon last year,” he said. “While it’s hard to top the great job Madeleine did with the Help album in Germany, I can only hope I get to do the Sgt. Pepper’s cover before my term is up.”

With World Water Day coming up, United Nations Deputy Secretary-General Jan Eliasson noted that more people around the world have cellphones than a clean, safe toilet. That’s right, 6 billion people have cellphones while only 4.5 billion have access to a clean toilet, meaning 2.5 billion people can’t talk on their cellphone while sitting on the commode. World Water Day is March 22nd. Put it on your cellphone calendar while you’re thinking of it.

CNN reports that “Black smoke rises from the chimney over the Sistine Chapel, indicating that a new pope has not yet been selected.” Earlier in the day a whiff of white smoke was spotted, causing a stir among onlookers, but it turned out that one of the Cardinals from California had brought his State Medical Marijuana Identification Card.

The next time you order a pizza with everything make sure you’re not in China. John Lehmann, a photojournalist with the Globe and Mail has been travelling through China and one of his photos that ran in the Globe shows a hotdog encrusted shrimp tempura pizza with mayonnaise he came across at a Pizza Hut. Perfect for the next P’zone Eating Contest. Can you handle it Joey Chestnut and Kobayashi?

The big home medical treatment in Mangalore, India, these days is Gomutra Arka, an Ayurvedic preparation made from distilled cow urine. Govanithashraya Trust, which manufactures gomutra arka, claims it’s “Effective in checking 109 types of diseases,” going on to say it “increases resistance power, life span and purifies the blood, reduces cholesterol and checks obesity. It is also effective in skin diseases, acidity, kidney ailments and other diseases.” Purchasers should be smart consumers and have their distilled cow urine checked to make sure there’s none of that cheap-ass distilled horse urine being snuck in there.

On the heels of the European horsemeat scandal, and just days after learning that the hamburgers and sausages they’ve been eating may actually be donkey or water buffalo, South Africans have discovered that biltong, the jerky made from “wild animals” may not be as advertised. Researchers testing biltong found, for example, that 90% of the sticks supposedly made of kudu – a large, curly-horned antelope – were actually horse, pork, beef, giraffe or even kangaroo. In a statement, Ikea swears there’s no biltong in their Swedish meatballs. Then again, they claim the legs on the popular Winëe table aren’t made of horsemeat either.