A scientist from the University of Bristol in England says he’s uncovered evidence at a Spanish excavation that proves Neanderthals wore jewelry and makeup. Meanwhile visitors to any mall in New Jersey can see that they still do.
A company in Michigan has decided that the computer world’s emoticons are sorely lacking one important feeling to convey—sarcasm. That’s why Sarcmark has created a sarcasm mark. It’s not an emoticon, it’s actually a mark you can add to emails, IMs and other documents right from your keyboard. And it looks like this: 
. It’s available for a bunch of platforms (sorry, no iPhone version yet), comes with often complicated instructions on how to install and use it, and only costs $1.99 per computer or device. Yes, that’s for each one. This is without a doubt exactly what we’ve been needing—to pay for a new emoticon! [Put favorite sarcasm emoticon here]
A few days ago an Australian man walked into a gas station holding a knife and told the clerk to give him all the money in the cash register. Lucky for him he wore a plastic bag over his head as a disguise. Unlucky for him it was a clear plastic bag so his face was captured on the surveillance video.
It’s no big news that Google’s getting its tentacles into everything, from books to maps, cell phones to toilet paper. Yes, toilet paper. In Vietnam there’s a new brand of toilet paper named “Google” that’s, uh, cleaning up. It’s up for grabs whether it’s trademark infringement or bad spelling —”New Goggle brand toilet paper is softer than cardboard!”—but one thing’s for certain, you shouldn’t have to search hard to find it.
After an argument with his wife, a man in Xining, China, went to a cyber cafe where he played online games for four straight days without sleeping, at which time he lost his sight and had to be taken to the hospital. Doctors say it was temporary blindness and the man will be okay. Well, as soon as his thumbs stop twitching, he quits trying to change the angle at which he views the world by pushing buttons on the TV remote, and he divorces the online character he married in a virtual Las Vegas chapel.
In Bali they leave offerings by computers to help keep them running. In London the other day, the Rev. Canon David Parrott of St. Lawrence Jewry church performed his version by reciting a blessing over parishioners’ cell phones, laptops, and PDAs, a welcome change from the curses these devices so often endure.
“In the name of Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Grace Hopper, we ask that you give this device a spiritual reboot, protect it from crashing, and show Apple the light so it will allow a Google Voice app to be approved. Amen.”
In a radio interview, former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich said it was stupid of him to have told Esquire magazine that he’s “blacker than Barack Obama” and that he doesn’t actually believe it anyway. “Ask Harry Reid,” he said. “He’ll tell you I’m actually light skinned and have no Negro dialect. Well, unless I want one, of course.”
A study done at the Alzheimer’s Disease Research Center in Florida found that the same cell phone radiation that some people think causes brain tumors can actually protect memory, prevent dementia, and even reverse Alzheimer’s disease. At least in mice. While it’s too soon to know if it has the same effect on humans, at least it’s good to know that cell phone-talking mice will have an easier time remembering where they left their iPhones than those who use landlines.
The other day Helmut Kichmeier, whose stage name is Hannibal Helmurto when he performs with England’s Circus of Horrors, was practicing putting himself into a hypnotic trance while staring into a mirror. When his wife came home five hours later she found him staring blankly into the mirror, unable to respond to her voice. She called the hypnotherapist who had taught him the skill and he managed to talk Kichmeier out of the trance. It’s a good thing the hypnotherapist was home. And that Kichmeier hadn’t been practicing to become a brain surgeon.
A poll published by Jean Gross, England’s Communications Champion—a new post created by the Children’s Secretary, in case that clears anything up—found that more children uttered “Dada” as their first word, not “Mama” as you’d expect. The third most common word was “cat,” though some parents claim their child’s first word was “beer” or “Hoover.” That’s Hoover as in the British word for vacuum cleaner, not the dam, 31st President, ex-head of the FBI, or the parents whose child would actually say that.
If you’re not feeling particularly good about the shape you’re in after the holiday season, be glad you’re not a member of BeautifulPeople.com. As a part of their ban on “ugly people,” they expelled more than 5,000 members who had been reported by other members after posting photos that showed they’d put on weight over the holidays. But not to worry, when they re-beautify themselves they can apply to be reinstated. And in the meantime they can always join ExtraHolidayPounds.com, UseToBeABeautifulPerson.com, and PeopleOfWalmart.com.
In a study published in the journal Nature, a group of scientists reports that they’ve permanently wiped out bad memories in humans by using simple behavioral techniques. Unfortunately the procedure isn’t publicly available yet so for now you’ll have to use the standard techniques of drinking, blocking, and denial to forget about last week’s Christmas holiday with the family.
Father Tim Jones, the parish priest of St. Lawrence and St. Hilda church in York, England, was telling the Nativity story in a sermon the other day when he stopped and told his congregation that it was okay to shoplift if they were desperate as long as they stole from large national chains and not small, family-owned businesses. Parishioners nodded understandably, then asked if he had any clarifications they should know about “Thou shalt not commit adultery.”
In an article titled “Aristotle’s Virtues and Homer’s Doughnut,” the Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano congratulated The Simpson’s on its 20th anniversary. The newspaper praised the TV show’s philosophical leanings and said that without Homer Simpson “many today wouldn’t know how to laugh.” To those who wonder how the Vatican can applaud a TV show that often pokes fun at religion, the newspaper went on to say, “What the deuce? Family Guy makes us pee our robes but you don’t see us congratulating them on anything, do you?”
A Japanese man who goes by the name SAL9000 has married Nene Anegasaki, a virtual character he met on the dating simulation game “Love Plus,” in a ceremony that was broadcast live on Youtube. After the ceremony the happy couple—she safely ensconced on his Nintendo DS—went on a honeymoon to Guam. Wedding gifts are being accepted. The happy couple is registered at VirtualGifts4U, Facebook pokes, Isetan department stores, and the Tokyo Hospital for the Criminally Insane.
A professor in the Department of Epidemiology and Preventative Medicine of Monash University in Australia thinks Santa Claus is a bad role model. He’s overweight, is often shown smoking a pipe and drinking brandy while driving his sleigh, and is seen promoting sugary soft drinks every year. Nathan Grills thinks a healthier Santa could be effective in promoting a more positive message to kids about diet and lifestyle. If he had his way Santa would look like Keanu Reeves and kids would leave plates of sushi and glasses of vitamin water for him. Not to worry, the reindeer can still eat carrots and apples.
A survey by a British company that makes shoe storage systems found that while more than 92% of women could remember the first shoes they bought with their own money, not even two-thirds of them could recall the name of the guy they kissed for the first time. It could be because the shoes last longer, make them look better, and when put away and out of sight they stay that way.
After a two-year search, computer technicians have found 22 million emails from the Bush administration that had been MIA since October 2003.
“Whoa! Look what I found when I lifted the cushions on the White House couch. Twenty-two cents in change, that super ball I’ve been looking for, some half chewed pieces of pretzel, and 22 million missing emails. Hey, maybe if look behind that bookcase I can find Bush’s missing integrity.”
Just on time for Hanukkah comes the news that a company is building a plant in Iowa to convert schmaltz, better known to most people as chicken fat, into jet fuel. No word on whether El Al Airlines will be the first to use it, whether the jet exhaust will smell like chopped liver, or whether the process will work with human fat, meaning one day liposuction donations could be used to offset your carbon footprint.
