Scientists on Marion Island near the Antarctic have filmed a seal trying to have sex with a penguin. “At first we thought it was hunting the penguin, but then it became clear that his intentions were rather more amorous,” a mammal ecologist who was there said. Yeah, and Mom said the chickens were fighting, too. Experts say it’s the first known example of attempted sex between a mammal and another kind of vertebrate, “although some mammals are known to have attempted sexual relief with inanimate objects.” You know, like dogs and table legs, Portnoy and calf’s liver, and your spouse when he or she is tired but accommodating. The video will be on YouTube soon, as well as at Seals-Gone-Wild.com.

The new Rough Guide to England describes the country as irritating, insular, and full of overweight, binge-drinking, reality TV addicts. In response, the English say Rough Guide should mind its own damned business, and if they weren’t so drunk they’d turn off Big Brother, try to get out of the chair, and waddle after the guide’s authors to kick their bloody bums.

Burial and cremation are so passé . The emerging, green way to take care of the dead is alkaline hydrolysis—dissolving bodies in lye. Taking a tip from mass murderers, they put the body in a stainless steel pressure cooker with a strong lye solution, heating it to 300 degrees under 60 psi of pressure. The result is a brownish, syrupy residue that gets flushed down the drain and a dry bone residue the bereaved can have. So far the process is only being used to get rid of animal carcasses but a New Hampshire funeral home is trying to get clearance to offer the service. Hopefully they’ll offer a 55-gallon drum for the remains that can be buried in the backyard. Pass the Drano, please.

Bill Bramanti of South Chicago Heights, Illinois, wants to be buried with the one he loves, so he had a coffin made that looks like a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. While he’s waiting to need it he’s going to use it as a cooler. Now if he could only convince five other members of the family to do the same thing they could link the coffins with plastic bands and bury them as a six-pack.

Albert Hoffman, the man who discovered LSD, died recently. He was 102. Steve Jobs is still alive. He’s 53. Evil spawn? Doppelgänger? Bad acid flashback? Or just a genetic coincidence?

With U.S. gas prices hitting $4.00 a gallon and oil hitting a new high of $120 per barrel, everyone wants to save gas. The hypermiling movement claims you can double your gas mileage by doing things like pumping up your tires to the maximum rating, using lower viscosity oil, and pretending you’re Lance Armstrong and drafting behind other cars on the highway. One guy says he gets 71 mpg from his Honda Insight by “pulsing and gliding” — accelerating then turning the engine off and coasting until he hits 15 mph, when he turns the engine back on and accelerates again. Other good methods include leaving the car in the driveway, walking, and siphoning gas from the neighbor’s car.

– A poll finds that President Bush is the “most unpopular president in American history.” Now he can legitimately roll out the Mission Accomplished sign.

– A study in the journal Pediatrics says American children take anti-psychotic meds at about six times the rate of kids in the U.K. You can’t say we’re not competitive.

– A Japanese high school team asked that the baseball game be called because they were losing 66-0. And it was only the second inning. Officials agreed and pared it back to a modest 9-0 win. Saving face is important in Japan.

A French doctor says his compatriots would be healthier if they’d fart, burp, and sweat more. In his book Le Grand Ménage, Frédéric Saldmann claims that retaining gas is harmful to the intestines, increases the risk of hiatal hernia — which almost a third of French people have, and increases the chances of getting cancer. He also recommends chewing less gum, not eating while walking, cutting back on carbonated beverages, and not believing everything you read in books.

Soon Sweden will be the first country to have equal opportunity traffic signals. The government has told the the National Road Administration to design new pedestrian crossing signs so towns can have the option of showing a woman crossing the street as well as a man. Or instead of. Hey, we wouldn’t want anyone to be unsure of whether the sign pertains to them, now would we? They might as well draw up another design while they’re at it, there’s no way the LGBT crowd will sit still for being left out. I mean, how’s a cross dressing street crosser supposed to know when it’s his/her turn?

Albert Hofmann, the scientist who in 1938 discovered lysergic acid diethylamide-25 — that’s LSD, or acid, to you — died Tuesday at the age of 102. Let the flashbacks begin.

Iranian Prosecutor General Ghorban Ali Dori Najafabadi has said that Barbie must be stopped, calling the doll “destructive culturally and a social danger.” He’s probably upset because the modestly dressed dolls the country introduced in 2002, Dara and Sara, haven’t caught on and Barbie is still more popular, even though you have to buy her on the black market. Hey, he really should calm down and count his blessings that Bratz haven’t made the scene there yet.

Thirteen men suspected of being sorcerers have been arrested in Congo because they supposedly shrunk or stole men’s penises. People were so alarmed that listeners to radio call-in shows were being advised to be wary of passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings, particularly those holding rulers, asking if by any chance you need a new penis, or saying “Hey, want to see a cool magic trick?”

OMG! r u ready 4 this? A kEwL study by the Pew Internet and American Life Project 😉 found that 2/3 of teenz use emoticons (:-o) and other informal styles (lol) in their sk00l writing assignments. b4 u no it, grammar will b dead! And btw, I’m not j/k.

A musical version of Gone With the Wind opened in London on Wednesday night. Amazingly, it got terrible reviews. Could it be the role reversal of having a British Rhett and an American Scarlett this time around? Or rhyming “I don’t know nothin’ ’bout birthin’ no babies” with “I miss my life when it wasn’t so crazy”? Maybe it’s time to let movies be movies and open a — dare I say it? — original musical stage play that’s not based on anything.

While most fast food chains are pushing their 99-cent menu, Burger King is launching an £85 — that’s US$168 — burger in London made with Kobe beef and garnished with foie gras and a rare blue cheese instead of ketchup and a vaguely cheddar-like substance. Actually, for that money they’d better be using bleu cheese. And the burger should be served by Kobe Bryant. Don’t bother supersizing it unless you’re prepared to fill out a loan application.

British fortune-tellers, psychics, and mediums marched on the home of British prime minister Gordon Brown Friday, delivering a petition signed by 5,000 people as a protest against a new law they say could lead to them being “persecuted and prosecuted.” There’s little question the law will be repealed. After all, why would they even bother protesting unless they already foresaw that their efforts would be successful?

The June issue of Japanese Vogue will feature a spread showing Dior’s autumn and winter collection, all worn by a new model — Hello Kitty. Not only will she be wearing the clothes, she’ll be posing with designer John Galliano and followed around Paris when she goes on a shopping spree. Not to be outdone, Dora The Explorer is on her way to Milan for a runway show and Thomas The Tank Engine has been signed by the Ford Modeling Agency.

A study by a sociologist at the University of Chicago found that the happiest Americans are the oldest, with 33% of 88-year-olds saying they’re very happy versus only 24% of the grumpy, angst-filled, emo-listening 18-to-20-year-olds. Interestingly, it turns out the odds of being happy increase 5% with every 10 years of age, so if the Counting Crows live to be 227 they should be in the mood to put out a moderately happy CD.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau’s best estimate, the population of the world will hit 6,664,737,085 on May 1st and 6,671,275,141 a month later. That means that sometime during May, somewhere in the world, person number 6,666,666,666 will be born. I don’t know about you, but I’ve seen Rosemary’s Baby, The Omen, and Scary Movie. I’m nervous.

George Bush held a birthday party at the White House yesterday for Pope Benedict XVI, complete with a 21-gun salute, the Marine Band, and 9,000 of the pope’s closest American friends. Today the pope will meet privately with the president, when it’s expected he’ll ask Bush to please stop calling him Bennie and asking how the Jets are.