Sacha Baron Cohen’s alter ego Borat has been accused of misrepresenting and denigrating the people of Kazakhstan by saying, among other things, that they drink horse urine, beat their wives, and hate Jews. But to date he hasn’t mentioned their spelling skills. Last week it was revealed that 80% of the country’s newly issued currency incorrectly spells the word “bank” as “bankh.” That’s “h” as in “Hoops!” I mean, “Whoops!” Since so much of the new money is already in circulation they’re not going to recall it but instead will distribute bottles of Wite-Out. Borat’s movie can’t be half this funny.

For years it was known as “The City of Flowers,” but not anymore, Seattle has a new slogan — “Metronatural.” Go ahead, let it roll off your tongue a few times. There, now isn’t it starting to feel like the $200,000 price tag was money well spent? Hey, at least it beats the one they started using in 1999 but no one knew about, which is a picture of an eye, an “at” symbol, and the letter L. You know, as in “See-At-L.” Well, maybe it beats that. Perhaps it’s time they forgot being cute and clever and took a more straightforward approach. You know, something like: “Seattle. You won’t be suicidal during the summer.” They’d get my tourist dollars.

Baseball fans won’t have to spend eternity away from their favorite team thanks to a deal worked out between Major League Baseball and Eternal Image — the company is putting out a line of caskets and funeral urns in team colors with the team’s logo. The urns will be ready for opening day 2007 with the caskets following soon after. The company hopes to extend the product line by making similar deals with the NFL, the NHL, NASCAR, Marlboro, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Dora the Explorer .

Who acts like David Blaine, looks like Kate Moss, and is the cheapest date you’ll ever have? Or has been for the past 50 days, anyway. It’s Agasi Vartanyan, a Russian man who claims to have set a new world record by going without food for 50 days while living in a plastic cube. He did, however, drink nearly a gallon of water a day. Sheesh! He lost 51 pounds, spent his time watching TV and talking on his cell phone, was upset that he didn’t get as much publicity as David Blaine, and will be walking down the runway in Paris wearing super skinny black jeans next week.

Willett Elementary School in Attleboro, Massachusetts, has banned the playing of tag during recess, saying the game is exclusionary, dangerous, and if any of the kids get hurt they could hold the school liable. Not to mention that it can bruise a child’s self-esteem, cause emotional distress, supply much needed exercise, and be a nice break from that PlayStation controller that’s usually glued to their hands. Oh yeah, and it’s fun.

According to the Census Bureau, the 300 millionth person arrived in the United States at 7:46 a.m. ET today, either by being born, getting off an airplane, or if you’re an alarmist, by sneaking across the border. It took 423 years to hit the 100 million mark, 52 years to add another 100 million, and 39 years to reach this point. At this rate, the 400 millionth person will arrive in 2043, either by being cloned, getting off a hypersonic shuttle, or if you’re an alarmist, teleporting across the border illegally.

The Walt Disney Co. has announced that it will begin serving more nutritionally balanced meals at its theme parks and only sign movie endorsement deals with restaurants that limit fat and sugar in their food. Right, and elephants with big ears really fly; mice have three fingers, stand upright and talk; and Tinker Belle’s heterosexual.

Want to feel younger and regain your youth? Head to Kenya where a government minister has proposed changing the legal definition of youth to anyone between 15 and 50, quite a drop from the current top end of 30. This means you’d be able to retire after only 5 years into being a young adult, won’t be middle aged until you hit 70, and only those over the age of 100 will be considered senior citizens. If it becomes law you can expect Boca Raton, FL, to become a ghost town.

An exhibit at the Oslo Natural History Museum claims homosexuality has been observed in more than 1,500 animal species, including giraffes, penguins, parrots, beetles, whales, and even birds and bees. They have photos and displays to prove it too, most taken from magazines like Humpback, Stingers, and Birds of a Feather.

The November election ballot for Ottawa County, Michigan is being reprinted because, in spite of six people having proofread the document, they managed to leave an “L” out of the word “public.” What in the word wil they do with the old balots?

After years of wondering — and lord knows how many cushy government grants that didn’t solve the problem — we finally have a solution to keeping your toast from landing on the floor butter side down. Thanks to Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman of the TV show Mythbusters, it turns out that if you press the knife firmly and quickly as you spread, a dip is created on the toast which affects the way it falls. In tests using this method, the toast landed butter-side up 29 times out of 50. Now if they can only figure out why hot dogs come 10 to a package and buns come eight to a package we’ll all be able to sleep much better at night.

A state Wisconsin legislator, Republican Frank Lasee, says he’s going to introduce legislation that will allow teachers, principals, administrators, and other school personnel to carry concealed weapons. “Johnny, would you pass out the tests? Anne, please clean the erasers. And Brittany, would you clean, oil, and reload my .357 Magnum? For extra credit, of course.” My, how times change.

Kenny the Clown is running for mayor of Alameda, California. He doesn’t have a campaign manager, isn’t accepting donations, has never run for an elected office or sat on a public board, but does have a round red nose and multi-colored hair. His sister, a teacher in Alameda, says her brother’s candidacy is a “mockery of our system.” Hey, he couldn’t be any worse than the rest of those clowns in office.

A parliamentary panel in France has suggested that the government ban smoking in public places, including offices, cafes, and restaurants. What’s the world coming to when you won’t be able to drink your cafe noir with the familiar blue Gauloises haze obscuring your friends’ faces? Sheesh! The next thing you know they’ll have to be friendly, pick up after their dogs, and politely correct your bad high school French while saying, “Oh, that’s too difficult for you. Why don’t we just speak English?”

If your cell phone gets stolen, you don’t have to be the only one to scream, now your phone can scream too. If your phone gets swiped, a service introduced by a company in England lets you remotely wipe the phone’s memory clean, lock the phone, and cause it to emit a loud, annoying, high-pitched scream that won’t stop until the battery’s removed. With luck the next generation of the software will have a gentler voice that reminds you when you’re talking loud enough for everyone around you to hear the details of your sex life, apologizes to people in the room for playing songs from High School Musical as a ringtone, and tells you to hang up when you’re driving and not paying attention to the road.

First the surviving Beatles got together and played to a demo John Lennon had recorded to create “Free as a Bird.” Then Natalie Cole teamed up with her late father Nat King Cole on the 1991 album “Unforgettable” and sold over 5 million copies. Now Ray Charles and Count Basie are dueting posthumously, with the Count Basie band adding music to unreleased Ray Charles vocals. If the CD is successful, look for releases pairing John Coltranewith John Denver, Scott Joplin and Janis Joplin, and Mozart with Jerry Garcia.

A recent survey by the Intercollegiate Studies Institute found that the average college senior would flunk a basic test on America’s history, government, foreign affairs, and economy. More than half of them didn’t know that the line “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal,” is from the Declaration of Independence, the majority couldn’t identify the century when the first American colony was established at Jamestown (HINT: the one before the 18th), and 94% of them thought civics is a car put out by Honda.

Researchers at Yale School of Medicine report that too much testosterone can kill brain cells. This helps explain why athletes who abuse steroids often become aggressive or suicidal, why the muscle-bound guy who cut you off is laughing and flipping you the bird, and many of the comments made by the Governor of California.

Researchers at the French Museums’ Center for Research and Restoration used three-dimensional laser technology to peek behind the outer layer of Leonardo da Vinci’s Mona Lisa. By doing so they actually uncovered the very fine gauze veil Mona Lisa was wearing on her dress. They say she was either pregnant or had recently given birth. They also discovered that the baby was a girl, Ms. Lisa wasn’t wearing a wedding ring, and she was wearing Angels by Victoria’s Secret underwear. Blue. Size 8.

Dutch cheesemakers have created a 1,320-lb. slab of cheese hoping to capture the title for the world’s biggest cheese. Barry Manilow, Dr. Phil, and Chester Cheetah are all expected to register a protest.