At a screening of his new film Apocalypto at a film festival in Texas, Mel Gibson drew parallels between the collapsing Mayan civilization depicted in the movie and the United States, including the fact that both practiced human sacrifice. “What’s human sacrifice if not sending guys off to Iraq for no reason?” he said. In other parallels, both the Mayans and the United States experienced environmental problems, both had to survive earthquakes and hurricanes, and in both civilizations the banks were owned by the Jews, if you know what I mean sugartits.

According to a report by Nielsen Media Research, the average American home has more TV sets than people. That’s right, the typical household contains 2.55 people and 2.73 TV sets. Big deal, when we have more TVs than eyes that can watch them, then it’s time to be concerned.

When the city of Jerusalem distributed brochures in English promoting a music and arts festival, the headline declared: “Jerusalem. There is no such city!” Well, maybe not if the Palestinians have their way. The correct translation from the Hebrew version should have been: “Jerusalem. There is no city like it!” The translator also says New York City’s motto is “The city that can’t get to sleep,” Chicago is “The city that breaks wind,” and Paris is “City lite.”

Tired of diets, exercise, and wearing vertical stripes all the time hoping to look slimmer? Who needs it! Now there’s the new “slimming feature” in HP Photosmart digital cameras. Take a photo, apply the “Slimming Artistic Effect” while still in the camera, and — voila! — you can look as digitally retouched as Katie Couric. Eat all the carbs you want! Toss those diet pills into the trash! Available on select HP Photosmart cameras now!

Earlier this year a Chinese man had his penis severed in an accident, leaving him unable to urinate or have sex. Doctors at Guangzhou General Hospital took pity and spent 15 hours performing the world’s first penis transplant, attaching a 4-inch member taken from a 22-year-old man who had been declared brain dead. The operation was a success — after 10 days the man was able to urinate normally. However, two weeks later they removed it. “Because of a severe psychological problem of the recipient and his wife, the transplanted penis regretfully had to be cut off,” a surgeon said. No word on whether the surgeons gave it to someone else or played “Detachable Penis” by King Missile during the procedure.

A study shows that lifting weights the wrong way can cause an increase in inner eye pressure that can lead to glaucoma and possibly blindness. Experts recommend that if you have to lift weights, only do it until you need glasses.

Segway is recalling all 23,500 of the electric scooters they’ve sold in the U.S. because of a software problem that can cause the wheels to reverse direction, the rider to fall, and break wrists, teeth and even a chin. And Dean Kamen wonders why his prediction that the Segway will transform the way people work and live, replacing cars, bikes, walking, and, uh, ambulances, hasn’t come true yet?

Air Force Secretary Michael Wynne thinks nonlethal weapons such as high-power microwave zappers should be used on American citizens in crowd-control situations before being used on the battlefield. “If we’re not willing to use it here against our fellow citizens, then we should not be willing to use it in a wartime situation.” The Be A Patriot, Be Zapped program is expected to kick off in Tuskegee, Alabama in the spring.

The new Monotony — I mean, Monopoly — Here and Now edition is being released tomorrow, and among the changes are that instead of railroads you’ll land on and buy airports, when you pass Go you’ll collect a whopping $2 million, and that Fenway Park, Times Square, and the White House are all up for sale. Hey, you can even build a hotel on the White House. Best of all, instead of your game piece being a dumb old cannon, iron, shoe, or thimble you can be a Toyota Prius, an order of McDonald’s fries, a New Balance running shoe, a cup of Starbucks coffee, or a Motorola Razr cellphone. A spokesman for Hasbro says they chose not to brand all the tokens to minimize concerns that the new Understated edition would be too commercialized. In spite of the product placement, they’re still charging $30 for the game.

Last August P. Diddy (formerly Sean Combs, Puff Daddy, and Puffy) decided he wanted to be called Diddy. Just Diddy. Now it turns out he can’t be Diddy in England since there already is one — music producer Richard “Diddy” Dearlove. Brit Diddy sued and U.S. Diddy settled out of court. It’s unclear what name he’ll use in Britain because there are still lawsuits pending against him by Puff the Magic Dragon, Sean Connery, the cartoon rock band Puffy AmiYumi, the writers of Manfred Mann’s Doo Wah Diddy, and the maker of Reese’s Peanut Butter Puffs.

An English man was arrested in April for reckless driving, not surprising since he’s blind, having lost both eyes in an explosion, and is partially deaf. Last week he was convicted and given a suspended sentence. Oh yeah, and was banned from driving for three years. That’s right, three years. If you live in or around Oldbury, West Midlands, mark September 2009 on your calendar. You might want to stay off the streets for a while.

In spite of Tom and Jerry, Chuck E. Cheese, and Mighty Mouse, a researcher in England says mice don’t, in fact, like cheese. Since they normally eat fruit and grain, he says they’re more likely to be attracted by, oh, say granola. Gee, what next? You can actually catch more flies with vinegar than honey? Elephants have bad memories? A stitch in time only saves eight?

President Bush admitted yesterday that the CIA has been operating secret prisons in foreign countries to hold terrorism evil-doers. While he says these prisoners aren’t being tortured, he does admit that the CIA is using “alternative” interrogation methods. Apparently using ginseng, acupuncture, homeopathy, and chiropracty are paying off since some prisoners are being transferred to Guantánamo to await a military tribunal. Now maybe my HMO will finally decide to cover those services too.

If you’ve been in a quandary as to what to drink when you’re eating state fair goodies like fried Twinkies, fried Oreos, and fried Milky Way bars, look no farther, a vendor at the State Fair of Texas has come up with fried Coke. And he won the second-annual Big Tex Choice Awards Contest for his efforts. Abel Gonzales, Jr. deep-fries Coca-Cola-flavored batter, then drizzles Coke fountain syrup on it and tops it with whipped cream, cinnamon sugar and a cherry. This is, incidentally, the state fair where corn dogs and fried marshmallows-on-a-stick were invented. In possibly related news, the Centers for Disease Control says 63% of adults in Texas are overweight or obese.

A researcher at Trinity College in England says there is such a thing as telephone telepathy. You know, when you think about someone and a little while later he or she calls you? He says this phenomenon also works with email. But you knew I was going to say that, didn’t you?

To promote an independent documentary he’s filming about the “myth” that Elvis Presley is still alive, filmmaker Adam Muskiewicz is offering a $3 million reward to anyone who finds The King alive. Contrast this with the $25 million offered by the U.S. government for Usama (sic) Bin Laden, the $1 million the FBI will pay for crime boss James J. Bulger, and the $1 million you can walk home with if you have a photograph that leads to the live capture of Bigfoot, the abominable snowman or the Loch Ness Monster. I’ll put my money on Elvis turning up first.

…you just don’t have a job anymore. Tuesday, Radio Shack fired 403 employees. By email. But it’s not all that bad, really. After all, employees were told in early August that about 400 emails would be sent out at 8:45 am on August 29, so it’s not like they weren’t prepared to be sitting in front of their computers checking email then. The unlucky ones got a warm, personal message saying: “The work force reduction notification is currently in progress. Unfortunately your position is one that has been eliminated.” Shares of RadioShack rose 29 cents, or 1.6 percent, to close at $18.21 Wednesday on the New York Stock Exchange.

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Move over, movie critics. Edit your articles tighter, book reviewers. The New York Times needs the space now that it has its first perfume critic. Chandler Burr, who had to be given the job with a name like that, is writing “Scent Strip,” in which he’ll be reviewing old and new fragrances and perfumed candles. Honestly. In the premier column Sunday, he opened by saying, “Darkness, when it is crystalline and somewhat luminous, may be the most difficult quality to capture in a perfume.” and goes on to say that “Jo Malone’s perfume genius, by contrast, is light. Not light as in the antonym of heavy, but light as in photon radiation.” Pass the English Leather, please.

Doctors at the Oncology Clinic at the General Hospital in Gliwice, Poland, removed Jarislav Ernst’s tongue because of cancer. They then took skin, fat and nerve tissue from his buttocks, formed it into a new tongue, and sewed it into his mouth. So far only three friends, two doctors, and six nurses have made jokes about Ernst having taste in his ass.