Constipated? Irregular? Try an all-natural cure — visit an art museum. That’s right, a study in Sweden shows that viewing and discussing art not only gives people a more positive attitude, but helps lower their high blood pressure and relieve constipation. So far there’s no word on what type of art offers the best results, so poker playing dogs may offer as much relief as impressionist scenes, though remember, Thomas Kincaid paintings have been known to cause extreme nausea. The important thing is to discuss art Dali — I mean, daily — for best results.

To the whoever it was at Associated Press who decided to take the poll in which 70% of the people questioned said Americans are ruder now than they were 20 0r 30 years ago…what the hell’s it to you?

The daytime soap opera Days of Our Lives is 40 years old. The Rolling Stones have been touring for 40 years. What better way to celebrate two middle-age anniversaries than to debut a music video on a tearjerker show for housewives? Meanwhile, British newspaper The Sun says the band has been keeping a defibrillator backstage on this tour. It doesn’t say if it’s for anyone in particular, but hey, those stage hands can be pretty frail. As Mick once said, “What a drag it is getting old.”

The first day of school is always nerve wracking, and it was no different yesterday when 120 students showed up for a Vatican university’s school of exorcism. The four-month course, called “Exorcism and the Prayer of Liberation,” is being offered by the Pontifical Regina Apostolorum University, or “good old PRAU” as it’s known around the Vatican. Courses include Advanced Head Spin Stopping, Cleaning Up Pea Soup Puke, Dress For Success – Staying Warm During Exorcisms, and Sequels 201, 301, 401 and 501.

First there was the 13-foot python in Florida whose eyes were bigger than its stomach, so much bigger that it burst when it tried to swallow a 6-foot alligator. Then another one, with a more reasonable appetite this time, chowed down a year-old Siamese cat named Frances. Now a third python has struck, this time slithering through a fence, swallowing a pre-Thanksgiving turkey, and getting stuck because it was too fat to get back through the fence. A tip to you pythons out there: tapas is in. Stick to small plates. You’ll live freer and longer.

Move over Britney, Beckham, and Beyonce, Marilyn Manson says he’s planning to launch his own fragrance early next year. He told Women’s Wear Daily that one of the major fragrance companies will release it and that he was “inspired by the Dali-Schiaparelli collaborations.” Heady stuff for an Antichrist Superstar. He hopes the fragrance will lead to a full cosmetics line that will come in three shades: white, black, and red. Marcel Marceau, Robert Smith of the Cure, and Dracula impersonators all say they welcome the addition to their make-up kits.

Some rabbis in Israel are having a hissy fit because Madonna — or is it Esther now? — is including a song on her next album about the founder of her beloved Kabbalah, 16th-century Jewish mystic Rabbi Isaac Luria. The orthodox religious leaders who have their yarmulkes all in a knot say the song, titled Isaac, is blasphemous. Actually, it’s the latest in a string of Jewish rock hits. It turns out that Michael Jackson’s Ben was actually about David Ben Gurion, Kiss’ Beth was an ode to Temple Beth Shalom, Oops!…I Did It Again is about accidentally breaking the fast on Yom Kippur, and Madonna’s own Holiday was about celebrating Hanukkah.

Ten years after being acquitted on murder charges, O.J. Simpson made an autograph signing appearance at the Los Angeles NecroComicon comic book convention but, alas, no one cared. Except the media, of course. About a dozen people showed up to check out the $95 autographed photos and T-shirts and $125 autographed football jerseys and helmets, being grossly outnumbered by reporters and camera crews. His spokesperson says it was a “dry run for possible future public appearances.” Not to mention a chance to search for the real killer who apparently gave up golf and now collects comic books.

The Bible Society in Australia has gone and translated all 31,173 verses of the Bible into text messages that can be sent as SMS over cell phones. True it would take more than 30,000 messages and cost as much as $750 to send them all, but really, you can’t put a price on clogging bandwidth. I mean, passing along god’s word. Remember: U, Lord, r my shepherd. I will neva be in need. Xcept 4 mo minutes.

The Department of Energy has launched a national public service advertising blitz called the Energy Efficiency Campaign that features a supposedly new character, the Energy Hog. As they say, everything old is new again.

Nicolas Cage’s wife gave birth to a boy on Monday. They named him Kal-el. You know, as in Superman’s name when he was born on Krypton. Don’t be surprised if Jor-El — I mean, Cage —legally changes his son’s name to Superbaby next year, then when he’s 8 years old to Superboy, and once he’s of legal age, Superman. In related news, 19-year-old actor Shia LaBeouf says celebrities should stop giving their children weird names like this. He says he was teased while growing up because of his strange name, which he says means, “thank God for beef,” but only if you’re a Jewish actor from L.A. who can’t spell either Arabic or French.

A study in Italy found that having a clown in the operating room made children who were undergoing surgery relax more. While the clowns did a good job of distracting the children until anesthesia was administered, doctors and nurses found them to be annoying. Buzzkills. Future studies may include the use of jugglers, magicians, and fire eaters, but not mimes. Researchers consider it too risky to put mimes in the same room with anyone who has scalpels and other sharp instruments close by.

Paris Hilton has called off her five-month engagement to Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis. Us Weekly says the Paris of the First realized that “this is the right decision for me.” Apparently this epiphany occurred after seeing Ashton and Demi tie the knot. It dawned on her that there’s more to marriage than a 24 carat, $5 million diamond engagement ring, a husband who’s a mere two years younger, and being able to call out your name during sex and having your husband think you’re referring to him.

A survey of average British citizens — taxi drivers, pub landlords and hairdressers to be exact —found that more than 70 percent of them had never heard of blogging. A spokesperson from ad agency DDB London, which took the survey, says many people thought they were asking about dogging, which is the English hobby of watching couples have sex in semi-secluded places. While only 28 percent knew what blogging was, and only 19 percent had heard of podcasting, a whopping 56 percent knew about “happy slapping.” Give up? It’s a teenage craze that involves assaulting people while capturing it on video with a mobile phone. What ever happened to rolling houses with toilet paper?

Two women were elected as councillors in Pakistan last month, even though one of them died three years ago and the other 13 years ago. Police have launched an inquiry and, if it turns out to be true, expect to see Strom Thurmond, Barry Goldwater, and Thomas Jefferson toss their hats into the ring for the 2008 presidential election.

In an interview with the French talk show Everybody’s Talking About It, director Guy Ritchie forgot his wife Madonna’s full name (hint: Louise Ciccone) as well as what she wore at their wedding (hint: a gown by Stella McCartney). Maybe that’s a byproduct of trying so hard to forget the remake of Swept Away they did a couple of years ago. Guy told the host: “You’re going to get me in a whole lot of trouble.” Pay attention, Ashton.

Now that Atkins has filed for bankruptcy, it’s time to start chowing down on carbs again. But won’t that make you put on weight? Not if the two latest diet plans have any say in it. The first is the Da Vinci Diet, a book put out by a disgruntled baker who lost business when everyone stopped eating carbs. It’s based on the Golden Ratio, or Phi, which I hear is featured in The DaVinci Code though I wouldn’t know since I’m the only human who hasn’t read it. The second is an extract of blue agave, which is usually distilled into tequila. Mexican researchers say it may help you lose weight and cut cholesterol. Unfortunately once it becomes tequila it doesn’t work, though if you drink enough of it you won’t care.

Have you dreamed of having sex with Bill and Monica? Me neither, but someone somewhere probably has, and hopefully they live in China since a company there is selling condoms under the brand names “Clinton” and “Lewinsky.” Okay, they’re actually spelled “Kelintun” and “Laiwensiji,” but you get the idea. The Clinton brand costs 30 yuan ($3.70) for a pack of 12, while the Lewinsky brand is a bargain basement 18 yuan, proving that gender parity is an international problem.

A Russian cosmonaut is getting ready to film a commercial aboard the International Space Station pitching Cup Noodle instant ramen noodles. And no, the slogan won’t be “In space, no one can hear you slurp.” While other countries send up scientific experiments, research projects and repair kits, the Japanese are sending a special camera which can be controlled from Russia’s Mission Control Center. The camera will stay on the space station, so if Tang, Dramamine, or 3M Duct Tape wants to film a commercial there they can.

Japan may be known for its high tech toilets, but China is working hard to clean up its act. Literally. Since winning the bid to host the 2008 Olympics, they’ve been working hard to maintain cleaner public toilets in Beijing. The new edict to the 400 environmental workers who enforce the laws says that no more than two flies or two pieces of discarded trash or waste are to be allowed in a public toilet at any given time. This is in stark contrast to New York City where no more than two people, two syringes, or two bodies are allowed in one at any given time.