First there were no Olympic mascots. Then in 1968 the Red Jaguar appeared in Mexico City. Since then there’s been a daschund, a beaver, a half-human half-sheep dog, and a computer generated something or other for the 1996 Atlanta games. The Sydney games had three mascots, Nagano had four, and now in a fit of indecision there will be five (count ’em, 5!) for the 2008 games in Beijing — a fish, panda, Tibetan antelope, swallow, and yes, a walking Olympic Flame. And they don’t mean Greg Louganis. Look for the 2012 London games to have 27 mascots, which is one for every gold medal the country has ever won in the winter Olympics. Well, assuming they win one more.

If you’re the type who likes to drink your meals, pick up a Holiday Pack of Jones Soda for Thanksgiving. It includes Brussels Sprout with Prosciutto, Cranberry Sauce, Turkey & Gravy, Wild Herb Stuffing, and Pumpkin Pie. And yes, they’re sodas. Of course some of these are old news — they had Cranberry and Turkey & Gravy last year too. However, if you want something really special to impress your dinner guests, get someone in Seattle, where Jones Soda is located, to grab a Regional Holiday Pack for you. It includes Smoked Salmon Paté soda. Yum! Even Peter van Stolk, CEO of the company admits the salmon is a bit much. “I cannot finish a bottle, I just can’t.” Don’t forget to save room for the Pepto Bismol.

Borat may be getting sued. Yes, the Kazakh Foreign Ministry is threatening legal action against the bogus TV reporter from Kazakhstan who is actually Sacha Baron Cohen, better known as Ali G. Apparently someone in the Foreign Ministry office saw Borat on the MTV Europe Music Awards where, as usual, he poked fun at the central Asian country no one’s heard of, in spite of its being the world’s ninth largest country. The good news is this means people in Kazakhstan must finally be getting TV sets since Borat’s been appearing on Da Ali G Show since March of 2000.

The Senate added a provision to a defense policy bill that would pull the security clearance from “any government official who knowingly discloses national security secrets.” Gee, the next thing you know they’ll say murderers shouldn’t be allowed to have guns and convicted drug dealers shouldn’t be allowed to have drugs.

First 700 Club host Pat “Let’s assassinate Hugo Chavez” Robertson told the good people of Dover, Pennsylvania, that because they voted their school board out of office for supporting intelligent (sic) design they shouldn’t be surprised if they’re struck by disaster and God doesn’t lift a finger to help them. Apparently God’s a compassionate (sic) conservative too. Then Fox News talk-show host Bill “Fair but Mentally Unbalanced” O’Reilly, upset that San Francisco passed an anti-handgun law and an ordinance discouraging military recruiters in the schools — in the same election, no less, told al Qaeda that “Every other place in America is off limits to you except San Francisco. You want to blow up the Coit Tower? Go ahead.” It’s so hard to vote without retribution these days.

Like the combustion engine, bras have been around for a long time with just minor improvements. Okay, Wonderbra excepted. But that’s changing. China’s biggest lingerie manufacturer, which makes more than 60 million bras a year for big time labels including Victoria’s Secret, has been trying out new paddings, including air (which can go flat), oil (expensive and heavy), and the stuffing they use in ski parkas. Hey, it’s better than using a rare Greenwing parrot like a Florida woman got, uh, busted for when she stole it by stuffing it down her bra. Meanwhile in Japan they’ve come out with the Warm Biz Bra that’s lined with warm, fuzzy fabric and has gel-filled bra pads that can be heated up in a microwave. Toasty ta-tas, indeed! But look to Hong Kong for the next generation of bras. After all, you can get a degree in bra studies at Hong Kong’s Polytechnic University. Which brings up another question: How do you break the news to Mom and Dad that you’ve changed your major from law to bra studies?

It’s never too soon to start making your Christmas gift list. Don’t worry, you still have plenty of time to procrastinate and wait until Christmas Eve to actually buy the stuff. To get you started, here are two early ideas:

1. Know someone who needs a French Fry Holder for their car? Who doesn’t? It sits in what used to be a cup holder, holds your fries (hence the snappy product name), and even has a little cup for ketchup. Now where to put that Western Bacon Cheeseburger while you’re trying to dial the cell phone….hmmmmm

2. A U.S. company is set to market socks made of corn. You know, the stuff they make cornbread, popcorn, and that cob thing out of. They’re being released in Japan because, well, there must be suckers born there more often than every minute. If you already have corns on your feet, keep your eye out for the new bunion socks coming soon.

A team of researchers at the Stanford University School of Medicine reports the shocking news that when it comes to humor, men and women see things differently. I always knew a difference between the sexes would come to light if we threw enough money into looking for it. They discovered that women are more analytical in their response to a joke while men are less discriminating. In other words, women are more likely to enjoy a joke because they don’t always expect it to be funny. Men, on the other hand, hear “A penguin and a rabbi walked into a bar” and are prepared to laugh. In summation: men are easy, women have low expectations. Heck, I could have told you that.

An asteroid that was discovered by Bulgarian astronomers is being called 2005 UT12, at least until they officially rename it after Azis, a gay transvestite gypsy folk singer. Next in line? Comet Divine, Planet Hedwig, and the supernova that flamed out, RuPaul.

If Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman has his way, anyone found guilty of defacing public property with graffiti would have his or her thumbs cut off. On TV no less. And why not, you don’t need thumbs to pull the handle on a slot machine, do you? He also thinks whipping and caning children should be brought back. And claims he’s serious. “In the old days in France, they had beheading of people who commit heinous crimes.” They also had a habit of beheading their rulers. Remember Louis XVI, Marie Antoinette, and Elizabeth, the king’s sister? Careful Goodman.

Apparently there’s no gas shortage at the Ford Truck plant in Wayne, MI. In fact, it seems their employees may have too much gas. According to a memo handed out the other day, supervisors are starting to keep an eye on how long workers spend in the bathroom because lingering in the loo is slowing down production. Hourly workers are allowed 48 minutes per shift for bathroom breaks. That’s 6 minutes per hour, which is barely enough time to read the sports section, better yet the op-ed page and Ann Landers. Chrysler says they’re not going to follow suit because it would be “too anal,” even though their workers get 2 minutes less per shift. And yes, there’s an “f” in that last word.

In an interview with an Argentine newspaper in advance of his arrival for a 34-nation presidential summit, George Bush was asked what he had in his pockets. Aside from lobbyists, of course. He reached in his pocket, pulled out a white handkerchief, and said, “Es todo. No dinero, no mas. No wallet.” Or, uh, cartera in Spanish. That’s right — no keys, no cell phone, no nail clippers, no money. And you thought it was only our pockets he emptied…

Forget tickling Elmo, that’s so-o-o last millennium. This Christmas’ edition is “Knows Your Name Elmo,” a doll that can greet a child by name right out of the box. Well, as long as the parents can use the supplied CD-ROM and USB cable to download the child’s name without having to ask their kid for help. Yeah, fat chance. Elmo can tell stories, sing songs, and even remind a child when it’s time for breakfast. Parents can personalize Elmo even more by entering additional information, including the child’s favorite color, birthday, social security number, and FBI dossier record locator number. There’s also a Winnie The Pooh version, but who cares?

Mel Gibson, energized by a hit movie completely in Aramaic — a language nobody’s spoken since about 500 BC — decided he was onto something. That’s why the new movie he’s about to start shooting, Apocalypto, takes place 600 years ago in Mexico and will be entirely in the extinct Mayan tongue of Yucateco. Probably with subtitles in Tasmanian. If crowds turn out for a movie in a language they don’t understand that doesn’t even mention Jesus — at least not a mention anyone will understand — don’t be surprised to see Gibson continue his Dead Language Film Festival by releasing epics in Coptic, Pelasgian, Klingon, and Pig Latin.

* The only good language is a dead language.

Everyone needs a theme song. But where to find one? After all, the Rolling Stones’ new song Streets of Love is already being used on the soap opera Days of Our Lives. And Madonna’s Hung Up, will be featured on CSI: Miami and CSI: NY. So what’s a poor rebel group in Sri Lanka supposed to do? If you’re the Tamil Tigers you put out word that you want a catchy national anthem, one that should “contain 18 lines — catchy and lively and in pure Tamil.” That shouldn’t be too hard. Especially when you realize that when they raise their flag now they play a song titled Look the Flag is Rising. Snappy lyrics, huh? Money might be a problem, but they should look into a translation of He’s a Rebel, Eye of the Tiger, or Rebel Rebel.

PART I – Want to live in Marthaville? It won’t go by that name, but Martha Stewart is partnering with KB Homes to build 650 houses in Cary, NC. The actual name? KB Home Twin Lakes: Homes Created with Martha Stewart. Did someone mention the word “home”? The houses will feature large laundry rooms, furnishings by K-Mart, and special hooks to hang your electronic monitoring ankle bracelet.

PART II – Michael Jackson is packing up Neverland Ranch and moving to Bahrain. Yes, the country in the Persian Gulf. No word on how his make-up holds up in the heat, if Bubbles is making the trip, or whether Martha Stewart will be doing his decorating.

Here’s what you’ve been looking for guys, a chance to offer your date a breast exam without seeming like a letch. Just take her to the Good Samaritan Hospital in San Jose, CA for “Make It A Date” night. That’s right, they’re lowering the lights, will have a mandolin player to serenade you, and will serve sparkling cider to create the proper mood for your prostate exam or mammogram. Sure whine is more common than wine when you get a rectal exam, but this is, after all, the New Millennium. The doctors recommend you wait until at least the second date before going to “Make It A Date” night. After all, you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with someone who sticks around after you recommend a breast exam on the first date, do you?

Barbie and Ken split last year after 43 years of happy, out-of-wedlock fun. If you remember, she dumped him for an Australian boogie boarder named Blaine. Blaine? Well, no wonder it didn’t work out. Now Mattel says they’re getting ready to give Ken an Extreme Makeover that will hopefully patch things up between the plastic lovebirds. It might have to do with sales of Barbie tanking. Or it might have to do with Bratz being popular. Then again, maybe it was Ken’s hair.

Have you ever dreamed about owning your own political party? Well, if you’re in England you can do it. The MP3 Party is not only registered with the UK Electoral Commission, it’s for sale on eBay. If you’re the lucky winner you get to replace all the leaders with your own, use the party’s logo any way you like, and of course run for office. Sure it’s in the UK, but you have to start somewhere. After all, Parliament wasn’t built in a day, you know.

Thirty years after Rocky Balboa first made his way into the ring, Sylvester Stallone is bringing him back. For the —*yawn*— sixth time. According to sources, the movie will be about Rocky coming out of retirement to fight a few local fights for the fun of it, then being offered a shot at whupping the champ. Wow, that’s a storyline stretch. Will Rocky take another million-to-one shot? Will the 60-year-old actor have to fight in a wheelchair? Will Adrian finally ask him to quit doing his Brando “Stella!” imitation? And most importantly, will Mr. T come out of retirement to be in the film or will he just pity the poor sucker? The suspense is killing me.