When Tokyo officials went to wish Sogen Kato a happy 111th birthday, they discovered he wasn’t really the city’s oldest man as they thought. He was a mummy. They found his body in bed under the covers wearing underwear and pyjamas. They suspect he’s been there—dead—since 1980, when he was 81. Police are investigating and suspect that the 9.5 million yen ($109,000) pension payout his family received over the years could have something to do with it.  Ya think?

Chelsea Clinton is getting married Saturday on a 50-acre estate in Rhinebeck, NY, in what is expected to be a $2 million to $5 million affair. Reportedly the 400 to 500 guests will dine on a mostly vegan menu featuring a gluten-free wedding cake. Okay, 100-200 of them will. The rest will stop by a McDonald’s in nearby Kingston on the way home.

Your cell phone is filthy. And it’s not from sexting, either. Okay, not just from sexting. Tests conducted by the English magazine Which? found that the average cell phone is covered with 18 times as many germs as a handle on a men’s toilet, including such harmful bacteria as fecal coliforms, e.coli, and staphylococcus aureus. They suggest that people can protect themselves by using hand sanitizer, wipes, and the soon-to-be-released iAutoclave app.

An Austrian beer company has released a new brew called Walder Senn which is made with whey left over from cheese production that they say will give men a “positive and healthy” response after a night of drinking. *wink* *wink* Chief brewer Heinrich Hommel says, “Our aim was to get rid of the cheesy taste of the whey while keeping its nutrients and positive ingredients.” Perhaps they’ll use the advertising slogan, “No cheesy taste, just cheesy intentions.”

The Kings of Leon cut their performance short at the Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre outside St. Louis on Friday night because pigeons were bombarding them with droppings and they didn’t have enough wide-brimmed hats and ponchos on hand to protect them. Fans will get a full refund and the band will work hard to save face. And save CD sales in St. Louis.

How much beer can you get for $765? You could get 965 bottles of Bud Light or one bottle of “The End of History,” a limited edition beer from Scotland that’s 55% alcohol, has the fire and kick of whiskey, and comes encased in a dead squirrel, weasel, or rabbit. Honestly. The first run sold out instantly, which isn’t surprising since only 12 bottles were made. Or maybe only 12 dead animals were in good enough shape to be used. A co-founder of BrewDog, the brewery, says the beer has hints of cinnamon, orange and an “American hops flavor.” Not to mention an afternote of roadkill.

Most candidates for office are described on the ballot as “politician,” “businessperson,” or “community activist.” But not Ieshuh Griffin, an independent candidate for a seat in the Milwaukee state Assembly. She wants to use the phrase, “NOT the ‘whiteman’s bitch’.” The state’s Government Accountability Board voted not to let her use that description, not because of the overuse of caps or because “whiteman” isn’t one word, but rather they thought the phrase was disparaging. They did say, however, that it would be okay if she used “not your average racist,” “you got a problem with that?”, or “at least I’m not Alvin Greene of South Carolina.”

In a tweet Sunday, Sarah Palin suggested that New Yorkers and Muslims should reject plans to build a mosque near ground zero, saying “Peaceful Muslims, pls refudiate.” She corrected the invented word in another tweet, saying they should “refute [sic] the Ground Zero mosque plan,” later defending herself by saying Shakespeare made up words too. Her final tweet of the day was yet another correction. Apparently she hadn’t meant to compare herself to Shakespeare, but rather to Patrick Star, the co-star(fish) of Spongebob Squarepants.

A man in Hunan, China, found a spider in his yard that he and thousands of people who have seen photographs think is spinning handwriting on its web just like Charlotte does in the book Charlotte’s Web. He says, “I thought it looked just like English handwriting – they were the letters I and V and W.” No one knows why a Chinese spider would be writing in English. Or whether he’s saying he wants a Volkswagen. Or for that matter it’s possible it’s not handwriting at all. The spider could be working on an image of the Virgin Mary holding a Cheeto that looks like Jesus.

Sarah Palin gave a 40-minute speech at California State University, Stanislaus, the other night for which she was paid $75,000. That comes to $1,875 per minute. Apparently bullshit isn’t cheap. Of course considering bull semen goes for $12 to $50 per straw—which is $90,840 to $378,500 per gallon—her speech was a bargain.

In March the Indonesian Ulema Council (MUI) instructed Muslims in Indonesia to pray to the west so they would be facing the holy city of Mecca as they’re supposed to. On Friday the council changed its mind after discovering that westward meant people were actually facing Somalia or Kenya. “We are now suggesting people shift the direction slightly to the northwest,” said the head of the MUI. Not to worry, though. He said no prayers were wasted. “Their prayers will still be heard by Allah,” he said. Unlike the iPhone 4, with prayers there are no dropped calls.

Paul, the octopus who became a global sensation by correctly predicting the outcome of as many World Cup matches as he has legs, may have a new home. The Madrid Zoo has made an offer for an undisclosed amount to the Sea Life aquarium in Oberhausen, Germany, since they feel that since Paul predicted they’d win the World Cup and they did, he should live with them. Paul is expected to predict whether the sale will go through as soon as he grows a ninth tentacle.

POSTSCRIPT: The aquarium says it’s not selling Paul. Apparently they heard about Pulpo a la Gallega tapas.

Cristian Capatanescu, the fattest man in Romania, died the other day. Since his family can’t afford a large sized reinforced coffin, doctors have agreed to give Capatanescu a post-mortem liposuction so he can fit in a regular sized coffin and the fat can be incinerated. His wife says they’ll have two funerals, one for the burial and one for the cremation. In semi-related news, sewer workers in London are digging out an estimated 1,000 tons of fat from under Leicester Square. They started by having to break through a four-foot wall of fat that blocked access to the sewer. The clean-up is expected to last for two weeks and the fat they’ll remove could fill nine double-decker buses. Or several hundred Romanian coffins. 

Democratic Senator Frank Lautenberg has asked the Senate Committee on Foreign Relations to look into reports that BP may have lobbied for the release of convicted Pan Am Flight 103 bomber Abdel Basset al Megrahi so the company could get an oil contract with the Libyan government worth as much as $20 billion. He also wants the committee to look into whether BP created El Nino, voted twice in the last American Idol finals, pressured LeBron James to move to Miami and act like a spoiled diva brat about it, knew the antenna on the iPhone 4 can cause reception problems if held wrong but refused to fix it, and deliberately blew up the Macondo well in the Gulf of Mexico because Tony Hayward had too much of a life and needed a bit less.

Since Bulgarian mobile phone company Mobitel gave its former CEO the phone number 0888-888-888, each person who’s owned it—including the aforementioned CEO—has died prematurely. One developed cancer at age 41 while two were gunned down. Fearing a bad movie in the making, Mobitel is holding onto the number. If you call now a message says the phone is “outside network coverage.” Hopefully not in Rod Serling’s voice.

First Pepsi and Mountain Dew released Throwback versions with good old sugar replacing the high fructose corn syrup. Now in honor of its 125th anniversary, Dr. Pepper is coming out with a “Made With Real Sugar” version in cans and bottles using the company’s old logo. Look for Coca Cola to up the retro ante by releasing “Original Coke,” replacing the high fructose corn syrup with cocaine just like the good old days.

After 25 years of interviewing people on CNN, Larry King has announced that he will be retiring at the end of the year. He made the announcement to make sure someone would notice when he’s off the air. 

Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan’s confirmation hearing turned into a battle of the baseball metaphors this morning. When asked about Chief Justice John Roberts’ comment at his own confirmation hearing that justices act like baseball umpires, calling balls and strikes when deciding complex legal issues, Kagan agreed but said that while judges should be neutral they also have to exercise difficult judgments because, “They are not easy calls.” Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg suggested the court start using instant replay, Clarence Thomas said the infield fly rule wasn’t relevant to them since they wear robes so who cares if your fly is open or not, and Antonin Scalia said he didn’t care what anyone says, he disagrees with them all.

First there was vodka. Then there were fruit flavored versions. Last year Black Rock Spirits of Seattle came out with Bakon, a bacon-infused vodka hat goes well with scrambled eggs in the morning. What next, tuna? Well, not quite, but close. The Alaska Distillery just launched Smoked Salmon Flavored Vodka, and even the owners say that during some of the first 47 attempts to formulate it they “had our heave bucket close by.” Located in Wasilla, maybe they should create a vodka to honor the town’s most famous resident, Sarah Palin. I don’t know, maybe one that’s cheesy and ham flavored with top notes of tea and bullshit.

According to the Korean Central News Agency, the North Korean government has come up with a “Super Drink” made from 60 “microelements” extracted from over 30 species of plants that they say will add brain cells, protect the skin from wrinkles, and make Jamba Juice extremely jealous. Apparently it’s not being issued to government officials yet since a story in the New York Times reports that in order to get people ready for the appointment of ailing leader Kim Jong-il’s successor, the government’s been releasing songs and poems praising Kim’s youngest son, Kim Jong-un. The younger Kim needs some recognition since there are no authenticated photographs of him, no one knows how old he actually is, and none of the laudatory songs have been sung on American Idol. Yet. The South Carolina state legislature is watching closely. If the poetry slam succession goes well they may force future candidates for state office to campaign in haiku.