Archive for October 2006

Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?

October 31st, 2006 — 10:55am

Forget changing the clocks, how about changing the calendar? Trick or treating hasn’t even started yet — except in Japan where they did it yesterday our time — and the stores have Christmas decorations out already. Not Thanksgiving stuff, Christmas. Hey, Walt Disney World started their Not So Scary Halloween Party way back on September 15th. Hmmmm….could they have all reverted to the Julian calendar?

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Atramentum Omnia Vincit*

October 30th, 2006 — 11:01am

In an environmentally correct, gas saving move, Oklahomans will no longer have to drive to Texas or other surrounding states to have hearts tattooed on their biceps that say “Mom,” have their name written across their shoulders in old English lettering, draw focus from their exposed butt cracks by getting tramp stamps, or go to jail to get “L-O-V-E” and “H-A-T-E” tattooed on their knuckles. The state has joined the rest of the country — and the 21st century — by deciding to allow tattoo parlors in the state. Next up, their state motto will be changed from Labor Omnia Vincit (Labor Conquers All Things) to Atramentum Omnia Vincit (*Ink Conquers All Things).

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Hellish Fire Sale

October 27th, 2006 — 9:57am

HELL FOR SALE. First time offered. Lots of room, great heat, huge fireplace. Over 5,000 new visitors every day. Be the master of Satan’s domain — Sold as is. No A/C. Auction being held today between 1:30 pm and 5:30 pm . For more information, contact seller. (FOLLOW-UP: No one met the minimum bid of $1 million at the auction so hell is staying where it is for now.)

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Move On, There’s Nothing To See Here

October 26th, 2006 — 10:36am

Everyone can calm down about Madonna’s “did-too, did-not” adoption of David Banda, the 1-year-old boy from Malawi. Yesterday Ricky Martin defended the adoption and said Madonna is an “exemplary” mother. Hey, if he says she’s livin’ la Vida Loca then it’s good enough for me.

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Not Quite The Real Thing

October 25th, 2006 — 10:16am

Surprised by complaints from parents about the name of a drink their stores were selling, 7-Eleven decided to stop stocking Cocaine. The soft drink. True it doesn’t contain any of the drug — the kick comes from lots and lots of caffeine — and the logo on the red can resembles lines of white powder, but still. You mean it wasn’t named after the Eric Clapton song? I guess that means the Heroin drink mix, Meth snortable vitamins, and Marijuana candy cigarettes are going to have to go too.

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This Bank Note Is Brought To You By The Letter H

October 24th, 2006 — 11:03am

Sacha Baron Cohen’s alter ego Borat has been accused of misrepresenting and denigrating the people of Kazakhstan by saying, among other things, that they drink horse urine, beat their wives, and hate Jews. But to date he hasn’t mentioned their spelling skills. Last week it was revealed that 80% of the country’s newly issued currency incorrectly spells the word “bank” as “bankh.” That’s “h” as in “Hoops!” I mean, “Whoops!” Since so much of the new money is already in circulation they’re not going to recall it but instead will distribute bottles of Wite-Out. Borat’s movie can’t be half this funny.

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Just Call It Seattle For Short

October 23rd, 2006 — 12:34pm

For years it was known as “The City of Flowers,” but not anymore, Seattle has a new slogan — “Metronatural.” Go ahead, let it roll off your tongue a few times. There, now isn’t it starting to feel like the $200,000 price tag was money well spent? Hey, at least it beats the one they started using in 1999 but no one knew about, which is a picture of an eye, an “at” symbol, and the letter L. You know, as in “See-At-L.” Well, maybe it beats that. Perhaps it’s time they forgot being cute and clever and took a more straightforward approach. You know, something like: “Seattle. You won’t be suicidal during the summer.” They’d get my tourist dollars.

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For The Diehard Baseball Fan

October 20th, 2006 — 9:56am

Baseball fans won’t have to spend eternity away from their favorite team thanks to a deal worked out between Major League Baseball and Eternal Image — the company is putting out a line of caskets and funeral urns in team colors with the team’s logo. The urns will be ready for opening day 2007 with the caskets following soon after. The company hopes to extend the product line by making similar deals with the NFL, the NHL, NASCAR, Marlboro, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Dora the Explorer .

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And You Think You’re Hungry

October 19th, 2006 — 11:48am

Who acts like David Blaine, looks like Kate Moss, and is the cheapest date you’ll ever have? Or has been for the past 50 days, anyway. It’s Agasi Vartanyan, a Russian man who claims to have set a new world record by going without food for 50 days while living in a plastic cube. He did, however, drink nearly a gallon of water a day. Sheesh! He lost 51 pounds, spent his time watching TV and talking on his cell phone, was upset that he didn’t get as much publicity as David Blaine, and will be walking down the runway in Paris wearing super skinny black jeans next week.

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Tag! You’re Not It!

October 18th, 2006 — 8:28am

Willett Elementary School in Attleboro, Massachusetts, has banned the playing of tag during recess, saying the game is exclusionary, dangerous, and if any of the kids get hurt they could hold the school liable. Not to mention that it can bruise a child’s self-esteem, cause emotional distress, supply much needed exercise, and be a nice break from that PlayStation controller that’s usually glued to their hands. Oh yeah, and it’s fun.

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Is It Getting Crowded In Here?

October 17th, 2006 — 10:25am

According to the Census Bureau, the 300 millionth person arrived in the United States at 7:46 a.m. ET today, either by being born, getting off an airplane, or if you’re an alarmist, by sneaking across the border. It took 423 years to hit the 100 million mark, 52 years to add another 100 million, and 39 years to reach this point. At this rate, the 400 millionth person will arrive in 2043, either by being cloned, getting off a hypersonic shuttle, or if you’re an alarmist, teleporting across the border illegally.

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Yeah, When The Three Little Pigs Fly

October 16th, 2006 — 11:59am

The Walt Disney Co. has announced that it will begin serving more nutritionally balanced meals at its theme parks and only sign movie endorsement deals with restaurants that limit fat and sugar in their food. Right, and elephants with big ears really fly; mice have three fingers, stand upright and talk; and Tinker Belle’s heterosexual.

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The Fountain Of Youth

October 13th, 2006 — 12:22pm

Want to feel younger and regain your youth? Head to Kenya where a government minister has proposed changing the legal definition of youth to anyone between 15 and 50, quite a drop from the current top end of 30. This means you’d be able to retire after only 5 years into being a young adult, won’t be middle aged until you hit 70, and only those over the age of 100 will be considered senior citizens. If it becomes law you can expect Boca Raton, FL, to become a ghost town.

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The Birds, The Bees And Bruce

October 12th, 2006 — 8:04am

An exhibit at the Oslo Natural History Museum claims homosexuality has been observed in more than 1,500 animal species, including giraffes, penguins, parrots, beetles, whales, and even birds and bees. They have photos and displays to prove it too, most taken from magazines like Humpback, Stingers, and Birds of a Feather.

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This Typo Is Brought To You By The Letter L

October 11th, 2006 — 7:32am

The November election ballot for Ottawa County, Michigan is being reprinted because, in spite of six people having proofread the document, they managed to leave an “L” out of the word “public.” What in the word wil they do with the old balots?

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Knowing Which Side Your Bread Is Buttered On

October 10th, 2006 — 7:07am

After years of wondering — and lord knows how many cushy government grants that didn’t solve the problem — we finally have a solution to keeping your toast from landing on the floor butter side down. Thanks to Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman of the TV show Mythbusters, it turns out that if you press the knife firmly and quickly as you spread, a dip is created on the toast which affects the way it falls. In tests using this method, the toast landed butter-side up 29 times out of 50. Now if they can only figure out why hot dogs come 10 to a package and buns come eight to a package we’ll all be able to sleep much better at night.

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Readin’, Writin’ and Ammo Reloadin’

October 9th, 2006 — 9:11am

A state Wisconsin legislator, Republican Frank Lasee, says he’s going to introduce legislation that will allow teachers, principals, administrators, and other school personnel to carry concealed weapons. “Johnny, would you pass out the tests? Anne, please clean the erasers. And Brittany, would you clean, oil, and reload my .357 Magnum? For extra credit, of course.” My, how times change.

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Vote For Me, I’m Funnier Than Foley

October 4th, 2006 — 9:54am

Kenny the Clown is running for mayor of Alameda, California. He doesn’t have a campaign manager, isn’t accepting donations, has never run for an elected office or sat on a public board, but does have a round red nose and multi-colored hair. His sister, a teacher in Alameda, says her brother’s candidacy is a “mockery of our system.” Hey, he couldn’t be any worse than the rest of those clowns in office.

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Liberté! Egalité! Gauloises!

October 3rd, 2006 — 11:41am

A parliamentary panel in France has suggested that the government ban smoking in public places, including offices, cafes, and restaurants. What’s the world coming to when you won’t be able to drink your cafe noir with the familiar blue Gauloises haze obscuring your friends’ faces? Sheesh! The next thing you know they’ll have to be friendly, pick up after their dogs, and politely correct your bad high school French while saying, “Oh, that’s too difficult for you. Why don’t we just speak English?”

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Stop Phone Thief Or I’ll Scream!

October 2nd, 2006 — 2:48pm

If your cell phone gets stolen, you don’t have to be the only one to scream, now your phone can scream too. If your phone gets swiped, a service introduced by a company in England lets you remotely wipe the phone’s memory clean, lock the phone, and cause it to emit a loud, annoying, high-pitched scream that won’t stop until the battery’s removed. With luck the next generation of the software will have a gentler voice that reminds you when you’re talking loud enough for everyone around you to hear the details of your sex life, apologizes to people in the room for playing songs from High School Musical as a ringtone, and tells you to hang up when you’re driving and not paying attention to the road.

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