A committee of students at the University of Texas at San Antonio is drawing up a new honor code that covers things like no lying, no cheating, no running with scissors, and no plagiarism. Unfortunately it turns out that parts of their draft are a word-for-word copy of the online version of Brigham Young University’s honor code. Oh well, back to the drawing board. And keep your eyes on your own drawing board this time.
Canada ‘s seal hunting season has opened! This year hunters will be allowed to catch 275,000 seals which they’ll sell for about $78 each. In a begrudging bow to seal-huggers, this year they’ll be required to make sure the seals are dead before skinning them. Happy hunting!
A survey by the Pew Research Center found that one in 10 American voters believes Barack Obama is Muslim, probably because his name is, well, Swahili in origin. Meanwhile, a poll by the Association of Japanese Geographers found that 95.6% of Japanese university students could correctly find the U.S on a map. Interestingly, a National Geographic Society survey in 2006 found that only 94% of young Americans can do the same thing. No word on how many Japanese students can find Barack Obama on a map or whether the Pew Research Center is tired of people calling and saying, “Pew? Do you do research about whether he who smelt it really dealt it?”
Former Peruvian President Alberto Fujimori, on trial for ordering a military death squad to carry out two massacres that killed 25 people, apologized to a judge yesterday. Not for anything he did while president, but for not wearing socks to court. And having fallen asleep at the defendant’s table a couple of days before so the judge had to shout and ring a bell to wake him. Apparently the prospect of 30 years in prison doesn’t keep him awake at night or during the day.
Thomas Beatie of Bend, Oregon, was born a woman named Tracy Lagondino. She had surgery to make herself look like a man but kept her reproductive organs. Legally a male, he married a woman named Nancy, was artificially inseminated and, according to The Advocate, is now 22 weeks pregnant with a baby girl, making him the best slim, Asian, transgender Arnold Schwarzenegger imitator in the world.
A couple of years ago the Taiwanese military ordered some helicopter batteries from the U.S. Defense Department. Not a big order, but anything that helps the balance of trade is a good thing. It turns out someone made a small mistake when filling the order, which if you’ve ever bought something online or from a catalog you know can happen. Instead of the batteries, the Defense Department shipped four nose-cone fuses for intercontinental ballistic missiles. Hey, it could have been worse, the SKU for the Stealth Bomber (Now With Nuclear Warheads Included!) is only one digit off from the batteries.
Attendees at the International Conference on Human-Robot Interaction in Amsterdam chose “Phobot,” a robot that acts like a human with a phobia, as their favorite. Created by students at the University of Amsterdam using Lego robotics, when Phobot sees a new fear-inspiring object it retreats and spins around in circles, then can be trained not to fear the object anymore. Can robo-therapists, Primal Screech therapy, and robot whisperers be far behind? Dave? What are you doing, Dave?
Philippine health officials have issued a warning to anyone planning to re-enact Jesus’ crucifixion by being nailed to a wooden cross on Good Friday. They recommend penitents get a tetanus shot, make sure their whips are clean and infection-free, and sterilize the 6″ nails that will be hammered through their hands and ankles. Be safe. Remember: Cleanliness is next to piousness.
A New York City businessman was getting a lap dance when the, uh, dancer kicked him in the eye with the heel of her shoe. He didn’t report it to the manager and get first aid or mouth-to-mouth. And he didn’t resign — after all, he’s not a governor. No, he filed a lawsuit against the club and the dancer claiming they were negligent and caused him to “sustain serious injuries.” Of course in the process his name was made public so he’s liable to get another black eye from the missus. A little advice to anyone considering this type of family entertainment: wear a helmet, ask the dancer to wear fuzzy rabbit slippers (Spongebob or Dora are good too), and be happy if it’s only your eye that gets kicked.
A teenager in Chesapeake,Virginia, is selling a 2″-long cornflake in the shape of Illinois on eBay. The bidding started at $9.99 and in four days has reached $200,300. Plus a $4.99 shipping charge, of course. With almost two days to go, there’s no telling how high the bogus bidding might go. And to think that doors, pretzels, and pancakes with the image of Jesus Christ or his Mom don’t go for anywhere near that kind of money. Like the Beatles, could Barack’s home state be more popular than Jesus?
ADDENDUM: eBay pulled the listing because it was unpackaged food, so now they’re auctioning a coupon good for the cornflake. And in the first day bidding is only at $255.
– An investment bank about to put the “bank” in bankruptcy – $236.2 million
– Getting out of a marriage with Heather Mills – $48.6 million
– A war in Iraq – $275 million a day
– The state of the world – Priceless
A biologist at Georgetown University has shown that adult moths can remember things that happened to them when they were larval caterpillars, even after surviving the metamorphosis that turns their brains and bodies into soup before the mush re-forms as a moth. Unfortunately they only live about a week, so they don’t retain the memory very long.
On Wednesday night the unincorporated community of Prospect Bend in Broward County, Florida, opened the polls so residents could cast a ballot in a referendum to decide whether they should be annexed by the city of Tamarac. No one showed up. Since the results count as much as they did in the Democratic primary, until it’s resolved Prospect Bend belongs to Hillary Clinton.
Want to stay home from work to watch March Madness and be paid for it? Get a doctor’s excuse! According to a radio commercial running in Springfield, Oregon, “When March Madness approaches you need an excuse…to stay at home in front of the big screen. Get your vasectomy at Oregon Urology Institute the day before the tournament starts.” It’s quick, relatively painless, and tax deductible, just like the money you lose on the office betting pool. Already have one? Consider another procedure. Oh, like say, a lobotomy?
A recent Associated Press investigation found that our drinking water often contains trace amounts of prescription drugs, including antibiotics, anti-convulsants, mood stabilizers, and sex hormones. What will this do for you besides protect you from getting infections, keep your undiagnosed epilepsy under control, and make you smile and shrug your shoulders about the news? If the fish found by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service are any indication, it could lead to lower sperm counts, males being feminized, and females developing male genital organs. So drink the eight recommended glasses a day. Soon you might be able to do the things to yourself others have been recommending you do for years.
Just when you thought you knew all the sins you had to confess to and atone for, the Catholic Church comes up with a few more. And just in time for Easter, too! According to an interview with Monsignor Gianfranco Girotti published in the Vatican’s newspaper, not only will envy, greed, and murder be sins, so will drugs, pollution, genetic manipulations, and “economic injustices.” No word yet on which, if any of these, will be mortal as opposed to venial sins, so if you’re going to commit any of them, do it now before they get upgraded.
In an interview with Uncut magazine, Keith Richards tells young people not to do drugs. “Give it up, it ain’t really worth it,” he said. “I know the fascination, but it ain’t worth it.” After all, just because you can afford the drugs doesn’t mean you can afford to fly to Switzerland every couple of months to have your blood replaced.
For the first time since 1940, St. Patrick’s Day falls during Holy Week, which is the seven sacred days before Easter, meaning that according to Church rules, there can be no Mass to honor St. Patrick on his eponymous day. Not only that, many parades and celebrations are being moved so they don’t happen during Holy Week. Luckily liturgical rules don’t say anything about green beer, green bagels, or singing Danny Boy off key, so you can still celebrate without going to hell.
The cemetery in Sarpourenx, France, is booked up and there’s no more room. Since the neighboring town of Pau won’t sell them land to expand the cemetery, Sarpourenx’s mayor, Gerard Lalanne, posted an ordinance saying that “all persons not having a plot in the cemetery and wishing to be buried in Sarpourenx are forbidden from dying in the parish. Offenders will be severely punished.” He didn’t say how they’d be punished, but it’s a good bet fire, brimstone, having to smell overripe brie, and no Jerry Lewis movies for eternity might be appropriate.
It turns out Moses might have been high when he received the Ten Commandments, and we’re not talking altitude. A psychology professor at Jerusalem’s Hebrew University says two plants found in the Sinai desert contain the same psychoactive compounds as those found in Amazonian plants used to brew ayahuasca, a powerful hallucinogenic. Apparently taking a lot of ayahuasca can cause the imbiber to see light accompanied by religious and spiritual feelings. You know, kind of like the thunder, lightning, trumpets, and awe mentioned in the Book of Exodus. It gives new meaning to the idea of Moses holding the tablets, doesn’t it?
