Ten years ago Sholam Weiss was convicted of stealing $125 million from customers of the National Heritage Life Insurance Co. and sentenced to 845 years in prison, a record for a white-collar crime. He’s appealing it in hopes of having the sentence reduced. What, the idea of being able to get out in 674 years for good behavior isn’t enough?
A pit bull in Chattanooga has been sentenced to obedience and canine good citizen classes after attacking a police car. The dog, which managed to rip off part of the front bumper cover and damage the tires, will also have to wear a tag that says he is “potentially dangerous.” Hopefully his owners will too.
Have you ever wondered, “Why do I still have ‘Who Let The Dogs Out’ as my ringtone? Can’t I have something that will actually do me some good?” Well, your wish has come true. The Japan Ringing Tone Laboratory has released a series of what they call therapeutic ringtones that have become popular in Japan. Among the 27 ringtones are ones that ease stress, improve memory, cure insomnia, lessen a hangover, help you lose weight, quit smoking, ease hay fever symptoms by dislodging pollen if you hold the handset up to your nose, increase a woman’s breast size, and even one to frighten away a threatening crow. All they need now is one to make sure you don’t stop and wonder why a short ringtone you hear every once in a while could actually do any of those things.
A survey by Durex found that almost 30% of Britons would have sex with anyone who paid them £1million. When told of the results, the other 70% said they planned to buy lottery tickets more often.
The Sun has given us a modern answer to the old joke, “Can you catch STDs from a toilet seat?” They published a story yesterday quoting the director of Public Health for NHS in Tees, England, as saying Facebook and other social networking sites are to blame for an increase in syphilis in the area because the sites make it easier for people to meet up for casual sex. That’s ridiculous. Facebook may be responsible for a lot of bad spelling, the decline of punctuation and capitalization, bad acronyms like TMI, TMI, and lots of bad quizzes no one should ever take, but a rise in syphilis? Of course it depends on what you’re doing while you’re on Facebook…
Scientists have had a difficult time investigating how octopuses interact with their surroundings since the creatures have sophisticated eyesight and can tell when something is just a reflection in a mirror or a video of fish swimming around. Now, however, researchers from the Sydney Institute of Marine Science have discovered that octopuses are fooled by HDTV and will watch and believe what they see there. Heck, they even think Meet the Kardashians is real. Next up, Avatar in 3D. That’ll really confuse them.
A study published in the International Journal of Obesity found that food portions portrayed in paintings of The Last Supper created between the years 1000 to 2000 became increasingly supersized, with main courses not only increasing in size by a whopping 69%, but going from the bread and wine mentioned in the Gospels to include such dishes as fish, lamb, pork, and eel. The most recent painting analyzed, which was painted last June in Milwaukee, showed portions large enough to pack more calories than Jesus ate in his life and included a Fun Meal with a Pixie Hollow “Turn Water Into Wine” trick.
The House of Representatives passed the $875 billion health care reform bill late Sunday night and President Obama is expected to sign it into law on Tuesday. Although some provisions will go into effect within several months, others won’t kick in until 2014, so unfortunately it will do little to help the rise in the nation’s collective blood pressure it caused anytime soon. So everyone please close your eyes, sit calmly, and say: Om-m-m-m-m….
The people of Huddersfield, England are looking at how best to celebrate the famous group that lived there 200 hundred years ago—the Luddites, who murdered mill owners and smashed machinery because the new technology threatened their livelihoods. The town is considering building a museum, adding a heritage trail, and erecting a commemorative plaque. Just don’t expect any interactive exhibits, re-creation videos posted on YouTube, Facebook pages for the event, or any tweets while it’s in progress. You might, however, be able to receive a letter describing the activities sent by carrier pigeon.
Friends have told People magazine that Elizabeth Edwards was “disgusted” by the revealing photos of husband John Edwards’ mistress, Rielle Hunter, that are in the new issue of GQ. Not only are the photos disgusting, but she’s blonde, young, ruined her marriage, and doesn’t have cancer, dammit.
Michael Jackson has been signed to the biggest recording deal in history, nine months after he died. The $200 million contract with Sony Music Entertainment covers 10 projects over seven years, including an album of never-released recordings coming out in November, a video game, a DVD compilation of videos, a re-release of “Off the Wall,” and a soon to be recorded album of duets with Elvis Presley, John Lennon, Luther Vandross, and Freddy Mercury.
Aussiebum, the Australian swimwear company that offers men’s underwear that releases a chemical to make you feel refreshed and another pair that’s designed to make you look, uh, larger, has come out with Banana, white underwear made of 64% cotton, 9% Lycra, and 27% banana fiber. Seriously. So now they offer two styles for those who don’t have enough in their underwear.
The Treasury Department announced that the federal government posted its largest deficit on record during February, with spending outstripping revenue by a whopping $221 billion. This comes to $719.85 per person in the country. Oddly, that’s also the exact amount the bank says my personal deficit was in February too.
The Winter Olympics in Vancouver are over and all the medals have been given out. Maybe. It seems there’s one more that may need to be awarded—Most Condoms Used at an Olympic games. While condoms have been handed out since the 1992 Summer Olympics in Barcelona, this year Vancouver Coastal Health gave out 100,000 of them, 40,000 of which were passed out in the athlete villages. Considering 6,500 people were staying in those villages, that’s 15 per person. Talk about endurance, stamina, and going for the gold!
Researchers from the University of Warwick in England have unveiled the world’s first eco-race car, a Formula 3 model that can go from zero to 60 in 2.5 seconds and hit a top speed of 135 miles per hour while running on leftover chocolate, carrots, potato starch, and flax. Meanwhile, a Harvard University professor has created Le Whif, an inhaler that gives you a quick snort of chocolate without the calories, sticky fingers, or taste. Now if they’d only get together we could have a race car that runs on chocolate inhalers or snortable flax for those who want to race to the bathroom.
Rodney Alcala had a moment of fame years before his recent conviction for murdering four women and a child. It turns out that back in 1979 he was Bachelor No. 1 on “The Dating Game,” where host Jim Lange introduced him by saying he was, “A successful photographer who got his start when his father found him in the dark room at the age of 13, fully developed. Between takes you might find him skydiving or motorcycling.” No mention of serial killing. Contestant Cheryl Bradshaw chose him, but later decided not to go out with him. Smart move. Within months he abducted and murdered a 12-year-old girl, the first of his victims. Hey, it could have been worse. She might have chosen Bachelor No. 2 or Bachelor No. 3—Ted Bundy and Hannibal Lechter.
In an interview on the Today Show to plug his new book, “Courage and Consequence: My Life as a Conservative in the Fight,” former presidential adviser Karl Rove told Matt Lauer, “I wasn’t George Bush’s brain.” And to think, it was him or nothing.
The Federal Aviation Administration is investigating audio tapes of the control tower at JFK airport made during winter break in which a child’s voice can be heard directing pilots and clearing a plane for takeoff. The voice is later heard to ask how many planes have to take off before he can get to the next level, whether anyone has a computer he can use so he can search for a cheat that will unlock some weapons, and commenting that “Halo is much more fun.”
As if the impending change to Daylight Savings Time isn’t enough to throw off your internal clock and make you want to hit the snooze button, word comes from a scientist at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory that the recent 8.8 earthquake in Chile shortened the length of a day by 1.26 milliseconds. According to my calculations, another 68,571,428 earthquakes like that and our day will shrink to nothing and vanish. Take that, Einstein!
The California state Senate is set to vote today on a resolution that would designate the first week of March as “Cuss Free Week” in the state. Already passed by the Assembly, the measure would go into effect immediately—without a swearing in ceremony, of course— and become an annual event. Participation is encouraged but not required, it doesn’t specify which words are considered cusses and which aren’t, and if they don’t have the balls to pass the damn thing they’re nothing but a bunch of @*%!#^!&# wusses.
