A Muslim preacher in northern Nigeria has been arrested for having 86 wives and 107 children. Even if he’s found guilty they shouldn’t sentence him. Having 86 wives and 107 children is its own punishment.
Two weeks ago, Trenton, NJ, police responded to a 911 call in which a “female voice” kept saying, “Help me! Help me!” It turned out to be Luna, a 10-year-old cockatoo. Then last week in Phoenix, when 911 operators answered the phone they heard a dog whimpering and barking. This time police found a true emergency—the dog’s owner had had a seizure and needed to get to the hospital. The moral? Birdbrains mess with 911 operators while dogs are indeed man’s best friend. Well, as long as they know how to dial a phone.
No, this isn’t about Barack, John, Sarah, or Joe. After all, if the presidential election were about beauty they’d walk onto the debate stage wearing evening gowns or swim suits. No, this is about the common folk. According to an online survey by Travel + Leisure magazine, the most attractive people in the country are in Miami, while those in Philadelphia are at the bottom of the list. For the second year in a row. Let’s see….on the one hand there’s beach activity, nice tans, and more plastic surgeons than you can shake a silicone implant at. On the other there’s a long, cold winter, cheesesteaks, and seconds on the cheesesteaks. Duh!
Don Gorske has been eating Big Macs since 1972. By his count, 23,000 of them, and he should know, since being OCD he’s kept every receipt. To save you a trip to the calculator, that’s 639 a year, which is darn near two a day. And a total of 12,420,000 calories. He says he’s in love the Big Macs and they’re the highlight of his day. Impressive. Even couples who still deeply in love after 36 years don’t enjoy each other twice a day every day. Or have receipts for it. Hopefully.
A study in the Archives of Internal Medicine says that, yes, there is in fact a genetic variation that makes people more likely to gain weight. The good news is if you have it you can beat the odds and stay slim by being active. The bad news is you need to be active for 3-4 hours a day. Meanwhile, another study, this one in the Journal of Consumer Research, says watching crime shows like Law & Order, CSI, and The Closer cause you to be reminded of your mortality, which makes you spend more on groceries. And eat them. To recap, if you have standard issue genes, get an hour of exercise every day. If you have the fat gene, get at least three hours of exercise. If you have the fat gene and love crime shows, watch them while on the treadmill or you’re going to become Jenny Craig’s best friend.
Over the weekend a man in Fresno County, California, broke into a house, rubbed one sleeping man with spices, hit another with “an 8-inch sausage,” then stole their money. He was caught in a nearby field wearing only a T-shirt, boxer shorts and socks, but not before he tossed the sausage away where it was eaten by a dog. Don’t be surprised if his lawyers use the Johnsonville Brat defense, otherwise known as habeus sausageus.
Two weeks ago the LPGA met with South Korean golfers and told them they were planning to suspend players who couldn’t speak English good. I mean, well. Hours before a press conference was to be held in Los Angeles by the Asian Pacific American Legal Center, civil rights groups, and elected officials, LPGA officials backpedaled and changed their mind. So relax, golfers. It will be okay to play ?? if you like. By the way, it’s pronounced “gol-p’eu.”
A survey taken by Petplan, a company that sells health insurance for dogs and cats, found that two out of three Americans would rather be stranded on a desert island with their pet than with their partner. Not a single respondent said they’d prefer to be stranded on a desert island with a pollster.
Forget the Consumer Price Index. If you want to know how the economy’s doing look no farther than the 99 Cents Only Stores Index. For 26 years they’ve never sold anything for more than 99 cents. Sure at times they’ve had to mess with package sizes and quantities, even selling eggs by the half dozen, milk in smaller cartons, and dropping peanut butter so they could keep the price point, but they did it. But they probably won’t for much longer. Chief Executive Eric Schiffer said that with the company posting it’s second consecutive quarterly loss they may need to start stocking more expensive items. How’s the 99 Cents Or So Store sound?
A 33-year-old man ran into a Denny’s in Modesto, California, last week, grabbed a butter knife off a table, and started stabbing himself in the arm because he thought he’d injected air into his vein while shooting cocaine and was convinced he’d die if he didn’t cut his arm off. When the knife proved to be too dull, he ran into the kitchen, grabbed a butcher knife, and dug it into his arm. Police showed up, subdued him with a taser, and took him to the hospital where he was treated for severe wounds to his arm. According to the Modesto Bee, “The restaurant closed for the evening to clean up.” Customers were given a coupon for a free side order of scrambled brains with their next Country-Fried Steak and Eggs.
Iraq, which can’t keep electricity, oil, or water flowing, wants to build a giant Ferris wheel in Baghdad. The 650-foot high ride, to be called the Baghdad Eye in homage to the Ferris wheel in London with a very similar name, will have air-conditioned compartments that each carry 30 passengers. Officials are looking at three possible locations but are holding off on a decision until they see if any of the sites are razed by U.S. troops so they can save construction costs.
While food prices here in the U.S. have gone up 6 percent in the past year, that’s nothing compared to Cambodia, where people are paying four times as much for fresh rat meat. Yum! Considering beef currently runs around $2 a pound, cooking up a steaming pot of spicy field rat with garlic at $0.50 a pound is quite a bargain. Leftovers, anyone?
Asus has announced the new F6, a laptop computer that comes with an Intel Core2 Duo Processor, built-in WiFi, Windows Vista, a fingerprint scanner, and its own scent. Honestly. It’s available in four versions: pink Floral Blossom, Musky Black, pastel green Morning Dew, and Aqua Ocean, though the company’s press release notes that “The lifespan of fragrance depends on actual usage.” While teen girls will love them, the geeks will, uh, turn their noses up at it until the company comes out with scents they can relate to, like Pepperoni Pizza, Red Bull, and Five-Year-Old Unwashed Chuck Taylors.
Scientists at the Institute of Cetacean Research in Tokyo say whales have been steadily losing weight since the 1980s, and they blame it on global warming, not Jenny Craig. Don’t be surprised if when word reaches Curves, they take a hint from Bikram Yoga and turn up the heat in their studios to simulate increased global warming and cut back on krill and plankton growth.
The Sunday night Los Angeles to San Diego Amtrak train was delayed when it sat on the track just outside San Diego for two hours because, well, it ran out of fuel. The 80 passengers on board counted their lucky stars they weren’t on a United flight when it happened.
The other day John McCain said you’re not rich unless you’re earning at least $5 million a year. The next day, when asked how many houses he owned, he didn’t know, saying, “I’ll have my staff get to you.” They did, saying he and his wife own four. According to PolitiFact, they actually own seven. To paraphrase the late Senator Everett Dirksen, “A condo here, a mansion there, pretty soon it adds up to real real estate.”
Charles Barkley, former NBA star and current game commentator, is considering having his colonoscopy aired as part of the Stand Up to Cancer TV special that will be shown on NBC, CBS, and ABC next month. If he goes through with it, it won’t be live like Katie Couric’s was in 2000, but will be taped. That’s because at 6’6″ Barkley probably has a lot more colon to be explored and there’s only so much time on the show.
For years parents in Sweden weren’t allowed to give their children unusual names, like Burger King, Budweiser, or Motörhead, but now they can. The Swedish tax authorities, who for some reason have final say in naming newborns, have relented. “There is nothing negative about a name like Coca-Cola or McDonald’s today. In the 1970s, maybe it was,” says spokesperson Lars Tegenfeldt, who from now on will be known as Taco Bell Mountain Dew Jaggermeister AC/DC Tegenfeldt.
Jennifer Lopez was on Good Morning America yesterday to talk about training for the Malibu Triathlon. After the segment, she was overheard saying she “couldn’t understand why everyone is talking about that swimmer.” You know, Michael “Got Another Medal I Can Win?” Phelps. After all, she went on, she’s the one training for a triathlon six months after giving birth and “that was the big story right now, not ‘the swimmer’.” Yeah. What she said.
Addressing the fighting in Georgia, American President Pot told Russian President Kettle on Friday that “Bullying and intimidation are not acceptable ways to conduct foreign policy in the 21st century.” He wisely waited until he was out of reporters’ earshot before bursting out in laughter.
