Forget volcanic eruptions and shifting tectonic plates, according to Shlomo Benizri, an ultra-Orthodox Jewish member of the Israeli parliament, earthquakes are caused by homosexuality. “God says you shake your genitals where you are not supposed to and I will shake my world in order to wake you up,” Benizri said in response to the recent 5.0 earthquake in the Middle East. Interestingly, this theory is shared by the ultra-conservative Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas, which has in the past blamed earthquakes on gays. The next thing you know they’ll be holding latke breakfasts and wearing yamulkes while testifying.

A new street sign in Berkley — uh, make that Berkeley — California misspells the name of the state. The director of public works says the city recently replaced its street signs and, well, the spelcheker must have been broken that day.

Scientists have figured out how to make a fabric that generates electricity when the wearer moves around. They embedded pairs of tiny zinc oxide nanowires into the fabric, coating one of each pair with gold. Then they put the fabric into a warm bath of reactive solution for 12 hours and watch the wires multiply. Really! When the gold and the zinc oxide bristles brush against each other they generate electricity, theoretically enough to power “a small iPod” or charge a cell phone battery. If you have a large iPod you may have to wear two shirts. One big problem is that zinc oxide degrades when it gets wet so you couldn’t wash your Duracell shirt. Not exactly what you’d call clean power.

Last week GM reported that it lost $38.7 billion in 2007. Since the company sold 9,369,52 cars worldwide last year, that means they managed to lose $4,130.41 on each car they sold. Good thing their sales weren’t higher, they can’t afford to lose any more money.

President Bush, never one to back away from a chance to fire a missile if the opportunity arises, has ordered the Navy to shoot down a broken spy satellite before it can enter the Earth’s atmosphere in early March. His first choice was to send Bruce Willis to drill into the satellite and blow it up using a nuclear warhead a la Armageddon, but he wanted too much money and, after all, money is tight and sailors are on salary.

A real estate agent in England was showing some people a house that had just gone on the market when they came across the owner. Hanging from a belt inside a walk-in closet in the main bedroom. Dead. Isn’t the first rule of selling a house that the owners shouldn’t hang around when the house is being shown to prospective buyers?

Patty “That’s Tanya to you” Hearst took home a red ribbon from the Westminster Kennel Club show in New York City the other day. Okay, her French Bulldog, Diva, did for Best of Opposite Sex. Hopefully when Hearst tells Diva to go “up against the wall” she isn’t aiming a machine gun at her. Meanwhile, Dolly Parton cancelled her upcoming North American tour after doctors told her she had to give her sore back a rest. “Hey, you try wagging these puppies around a while and see if you don’t have back problems,” she said. It’s especially a drag since those puppies have never won a red ribbon from the Westminster Kennel Club.

Foreigner is out on tour and they’re being sponsored by AARP. Hey, at least they know their audience. The slogan? How about “Touring until we’re cold as ice and the Live Nation isn’t anymore.”

A study has found that people who shop after watching a sad video offered to pay nearly four times as much for an insulated water bottle than those who watched a nature video. Don’t be surprised if stores start showing Titanic and Love Story on monitors around the store. And start carrying more insulated water bottles.

You think cell phones are ubiquitous? You haven’t seen anything yet. The U.N. telecoms agency says that sometime this year we’ll hit a point that more people in the world have cell phones than don’t have them. Just think about the number of conversations that will be going on while grocery shopping, driving, and eating in a restaurant. But there’s good news. Researchers at the Cleveland Clinic found that the more time men spend on their cell phones each day, the lower their sperm count and the greater their percentage of abnormal sperm. So the more we use our cell phones, the better chance we have of fighting overpopulation and reaching zero population growth. Go ahead, call everyone you know and tell them about it. Now.

An Italian doctor says wearing high heels can improve a woman’s sex life. Dr. Maria Cerruto says walking around in 2-inch heels can strengthen the pelvic floor muscles, which leads to improved sexual performance and satisfaction. No word on whether wearing higher heels leads to even better sex, though it will usually help you have more of it.

Always on the cutting edge of military strategy and crowd dispersal methods, the Israeli army has a new tactic in their arsenal — mooning. YnetNews, a popular Israeli website, posted footage of two Israeli soldiers trying to disperse a group of Palestinians who had gathered in a field by pulling down their pants and underwear, shaking their booties, and flashing a victory sign. The soldiers were quickly tried and sentenced to 21 days in jail, where those nice tushes will get the attention they deserve.

A survey done a couple of years ago found that the first Monday in February is the worst day of the year for employee absenteeism. Apparently people stay home from work in droves because of post-Christmas blues, crappy weather, and the prospect of not having a warm weather vacation for another six long, dreary, plodding months. If you’re reading this at work, sorry to hear that. If you’re reading it at home or while lying on the beach, Happy Sick Day! But please, you have the day off, get off the freakin’ computer.

Punxsutawney Phil crawled out of his hole in Pennsylvania today and saw his shadow, meaning we’re in for at least six more decades of people thinking a furry gray rodent that’s also known as a woodchuck can predict the weather.

Scientists at the University of Copenhagen have found that a single genetic mutation causes people to have blue eyes. They say that until about 10,000 years ago, everyone had brown eyes. One day a person was born with a mutated OCA2 gene and — voila! — blue eyes. That means everyone walking around today with blue eyes is descended from that person. So if you have blue eyes, the next time you see someone else with blue eyes, walk up, give them a hug and kiss, and say, “Hi Cuz!” But don’t get too friendly, it wouldn’t be a good idea to get too close to a distant relative. After all, inbreeding can cause genetic mutations. Possibly even something gross like — gasp! — brown eyes.

First a taxi driver in Tasmania misdelivered a foam box containing a human eyeball, handing it to a hotel guest by mistake. Considering it was marked “Live human organs for transplant,” the guest should have known not to sign for it. Then a doctor in Slovenia sat down to a nice plate of chicken risotto in the hospital cafeteria only to find a strange piece of meat in it that turned out to be part of a human tongue. Cafeteria managers explained it away by saying it might have been accidentally dropped in the food by a doctor who came straight from surgery. Then yesterday a nurse in Philadelphia admitted to cutting body parts from 244 corpses and selling the pieces to tissue banks for transplanting. No word on whether he’s been in Slovenia recently or mistyped an address label to Tasmania.

Samak Sundaravej, the new prime minister of Thailand, is known as “Mr. Rose Apple Nose” because, well, many people think his nose looks like the fruit. Now sign language interpreters are in hot water because they use a dignitary’s most unique physical appearance as shorthand when they refer to them, and for Samak they hold their nose. You have to wonder which finger they use when they refer to George Bush.

To prepare for Carnival, Brazilian model Angela Bismarchi will have nylon wires implanted in her eyes to give them an Asian slant, this so she’ll fit in with her samba group’s theme this year, the centennial of Japanese immigration to Brazil. This will be her 42nd plastic surgery, putting her dangerously close to the Guinness World Record, which is 47 surgical procedures. Luckily her husband is a plastic surgeon. As was her husband before him. “What do you want to do this weekend, darling?” “How about my cheekbones?”

Robert Glasser and Joey Acosta of Chaparral, N.M., were tracing a loaded .357-caliber Magnum as a pattern for a tattoo when — Whoops! — the gun went off, hitting Glasser in the hand and Acosta in the arm. Maybe in the future they should stick to tattoos of Charles Darwin.

A 16-year-old boy was arrested when he got off a Southwest Airlines flight in Nashville for plotting to hijack the plane. Apparently he had handcuffs, rope, and duct tape in his carry-on bag, which hopefully was safely stowed in the overhead compartment or under the seat. It’s good to know TSA was on the ball when he went through security. At least we can sleep well knowing his shoes weren’t loaded.