French President Jacques Chirac was so outraged to hear a fellow Frenchman speak English at a European Union summit the other day that he and his delegation got up and walked out. “It is not just national interest, it is in the interest of culture and the dialogue of cultures,” he said. Also in the interest of culture and the dialogue of cultures, he refuses to eat English muffins, listen to music played on the English horn, dip even his big toe into the English Channel, or put any spin on the ball when playing tennis or billiards.

According to a list posted at The Smoking Gun, Dick Cheney has some room requirements that need to be taken care of before he checks into a hotel. There needs to be decaf coffee and decaf diet Sprite, the TV must be tuned to — hold onto your hats now! — Fox news, and there must be a microwave oven, presumably in case his pacemaker needs to be jump started. There’s no mention of raw meat, shotgun shells, or a Scowl-o-Meter in the bathroom so he can look in the mirror and practice.

The U.S. Senate voted Thursday to raise the national debt to nearly $9 trillion, which amounts to about $28,ooo of debt per person. I sure hope that doesn’t count against my credit rating.

According to Rabbi David Basri, a prominent Israeli Kabbalist, an outbreak of bird flu in Israel is God’s punishment for election ads that are promoting the legalization of gay marriages. He has also said Arabs are “the scum of snakes,” gays are “subhuman” and will be reincarnated as rabbits, Madonna is a smokin’ hot biatch, and that this isn’t the first time he’s channeled Pat Robertson.

A big topic among movie theater owners at the ShoWest conference in Las Vegas last week was how to get people back into the theaters. The president of the National Association of Theater Owners says they’re going to ask the FCC for permission to jam cell phone reception, which is currently illegal in the U.S., so people can’t use their cell phones during a movie. That will definitely make it more enjoyable to pay more for the tickets than the babysitter costs, buy huge tubs of the cheapest snack product known to mankind at a 920% markup, have your feet stick to the floor, sit through a half hour of commercials and coming attractions, and listen to people talking throughout the whole movie.

Bisbee, Arizona City Councilman Bob Kasun was re-elected Tuesday in a landslide (246 to 83), in spite of the fact that he died nine days before the election. Councilwoman Luche Giacomino, who was also re-elected even though she’s still alive, said, “I am just tickled to death that Bob won.” Nice choice of words.

Jessica Simpson turned down an invitation to meet President Bush at a National Republican Congressional Committee fundraiser because, well, it was being sponsored by the Republican party. NRCC spokesman Carl Forti said he was surprised because, “It’s never been a problem for Bono.” Simpson explained, “I don’t care how many times Cher’s dead ex-husband meets with the president, I still need to wash my hair.”

Customs agents searching the apartment of a man who was arrested for smuggling cash and counterfeit money into the country found something else – 250 fake billion dollar bills. They were yellowed, wrinkled, had an issue date of 1934, and featured Grover Cleveland on them. Of course there is no such thing as a one billion dollar bill, but not everybody knows that. Maybe the government could use them to pay for the war in Iraq. We’d get $3 billion change back and lord knows we could make good use of that petty cash.

If you’ve been searching high and low for a vegan stuffed toy, you’re in luck. Your therapist has an opening on Wednesday morning at 9:00 am. In the meantime, you can pick up Tofu Bear, a stuffed toy whose fur is made out of fiber that’s extruded from soy bean cake. Seriously. Sure it costs $40, which is about three times a regular stuffed bear. And yes, it has a face. But can you really put a price on a vegan, shade-grown, fair trade, caffeine-free toy for your child?

The 21st century has finally arrived at the Vatican. Okay, in one way, anyway. Pope Benedict XVI got an iPod Nano as a present from those lovely people at Vatican Radio, so now he can stroll through the halls wearing his white earphones, which luckily match his favorite robe. The iPod’s been loaded with religious music, Beethoven, Mozart, and Chopin. How long will it be before he bags that stuff and has a playlist featuring Faith, Personal Jesus, Lady Madonna, Knocking on Heaven’s Door, Crucify Myself, and Walk on the Ocean?

High school students in Chicago are required to take driver’s education and pass a written exam about the rules of the road if they want to graduate. Even blind students. Hey, at least they don’t have to pass the road test.

1. A man in Williston, N.D., walked into a bank wearing a ski mask and demanded money from the tellers, then told them he was “just kidding.” He could get five years in jail and a $5,000 fine. Now that’s funny.

2. Three college students have been arrested on charges of setting fires that damaged or destroyed nine Baptist churches in Alabama. One of the suspects called it “a joke, and it got out of hand.” College kids these days…

3. Carrot Top is playing at the Luxor in Las Vegas at least through November. Now that’s funny. But should be illegal.

Students at Singapore Polytechnic have genetically modified a plant using a green fluorescent marker gene from jellyfish so it glows when it needs water. They’re now trying to train it to blink twice if it needs to be repotted, three times if it wants more sunlight, and put on an elaborate flashing light show when it wants to hear the soundtrack to Saturday Night Fever.

Vice President Dick Cheney warned Iran yesterday that if they continue moving forward with their nuclear weapons program they’ll face “meaningful consequences.” Later in the speech to a pro-Israel lobbying group he clarified his stance, saying “I’ll Whittington the bastards. I swear I will.”

According to the Capitol Weekly, Elizabeth Arkley, an 18-year-old high school student from Eureka, has given $44,600 to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s re-election campaign. And wouldn’t you know it, that’s the maximum allowed by law. Darn! Hopefully Elizabeth has a part-time job, otherwise that means that even with a $25-a-week allowance she’s been saving up for 1,784 weeks, or since she was -16 years old.

On the way home from a high school basketball game during which she made two 3-point shots, 18-year-old Kayla Alire complained of having an upset stomach. A couple of hours later she gave birth to a 6 pound, 4 ounce boy. She never knew she was pregnant. Neither did her boyfriend. If it hadn’t been for little Isaiah getting ready to show up she might have been named game MVP. You know, Most Vacuous Player.

If you’re in the market for a car, you might try the Palm Beach Auction at the end of the month. Two (count ’em, 2!) of Dr. Phil’s cars will be sold, a 2002 Ferrari 360 Spider and a 2001 Gemballa Porsche Turbo. They’re expected to fetch $150,000 and $100,000. Get real! Also on the block is Paul McCartney’s custom made vegan 2006 Cadillac CTS, built without any icky animal products. You know, like leather, eggs, and gelatin. Proceeds from the sale of McCartney’s car will go to Adopt-A-Minefield. Proceeds from Dr. Phil’s cars will go into his pocket.

Thomas Monaghan, the founder of Domino’s Pizza, is building a town in Florida that he says will be governed according to strict Roman Catholic principles. Plans are to have 11,000 homes housing 20,000 residents, which could create a problem since birth control won’t be sold within the city limits. There also will be no abortions, no condoms, no X-rated channels on TV, no pornographic magazines, and no pepperoni or sausage pizzas on Friday. Fish only. Burqas are optional.

A survey by the McCormick Tribune Freedom Museum found that 22 percent of Americans could name all five members of the Simpson family while only one in 1,000 people could name all five First Amendment freedoms. And no, they’re not the freedom to watch TV, bear the remote, think Duff beer exists, rub Cheetos grease on the arm of a La-Z-Boy, and the freedom to earn Doh!

…why Osama bin Laden needs to be captured.