British newspapers are reporting that Da Ali G Show star Sacha Baron Cohen was thrown into the water off a Malibu beach by Pamela Anderson’s security guards. Apparently he crashed Anderson’s dog’s wedding as his alter ego, Kazakhstani TV journalist Borat, wearing swim trunks, a leather jacket and a Village People-style cap as he arrived in a raft. He stormed to the altar, knocking Anderson to the ground and disrupting the ceremony in which her golden retriever Star was getting married to her chihuahua Luca. Forget Cohen crashing the wedding. Forget the security guards playing Marco Polo with him. Pamela Anderson’s dogs were getting married on the beach. Now that’s weird.

Scientists are floating a proposal to bring elephants, lions, and camels to the Great Plains to replace the saber-toothed tigers, mastodons and, well, camels that roamed there 13,000 years ago. You know, until people showed up and were hungry. If they’re successful in rolling back the calendar the next steps will be importing Siberians to repopulate the plains with Indians, horse-drawn wagons to replace cars, and alchemists to take the place of scientists.

A gallon of gas in San Francisco – $3.15
A gallon of gas in England – $6.24
A gallon of gas in Iraq – $0.05
The war in Iraq – Priceless

P. Diddy, the performer formerly known as Sean Combs, Puff Daddy, and Puffy, now wants to be called plain old Diddy. His next move will be to switch to a symbol, possibly the one Prince used until he decided it was a truly dumb idea and shed it in favor of, well, Prince. After that Diddy will probably revert to Sean, shorten it to S, and if he’s not careful will just be called The Artist Formerly Known. Check back before Christmas to find out the proper way to address his greeting card.

Now that Atkins Nutritionals, the company that took the carbs and taste out of everything, has filed for bankruptcy, what’s a poor dieter to do? Don’t despair, the Read The News Diet Plan is here.

Item 1 – Takeru Kobayashi, five-time winner of the Nathan’s Famous hot dog-eating contest at Coney Island, ate 100 pork buns in 12 minutes on Sunday. The day before he chowed down 83 vegetarian dumplings in eight minutes.

Item 2 – On Saturday, 98-pound Sonya Thomas of Virginia ate 44 lobsters in 12 minutes. That’s 11 pounds of lobster meat. Previous feats include eating 65 hard-boiled eggs in six minutes and 40 seconds, 167 chicken wings in 32 minutes, and 8.3 pounds of Armour Vienna Sausages in 10 minutes.

Still hungry?

Victoria Beckham, better known as Posh Spice, David’s wife, and Einstein’s successor, told a Spanish reporter that she has never read a book, including her own book, Learning to Fly, or her husband’s two autobiographies, My World and My Side. According to the Daily Mail she said: “I haven’t read a book in my life. I haven’t got enough time. I prefer to listen to music, although I do love fashion magazines.” In other news, I’ve never listened to the Spice Girls.

– The Kool-Aid Man turned 30 at a birthday celebration in Hastings, Nebraska this past weekend. The grinning pitcher doesn’t look a day over 29, even though he’s been topped off with Everclear since he was about 10.

– 7-Eleven’s brain freezing Slurpee recently turned 40. Over 11 million of them are sold every month, with the most popular flavors being Coke, wild cherry, and banana. Flavors which never caught on include tuna casserole, Drano, and Doug Flutie’s Old Sweat Socks.

Space Adventures Ltd, the company that sent two tourists into space, is looking to take two others on a flight around the moon. For a cool $100 million per person. The trip would last between eight glorious days and nights, and 21 days of living hell, depending on whether they stop at the International Space Station and Solid Waste Recycling Center (not affiliated with Club Med). They say they’ve identified a thousand possible customers who have the money, time, and lack of conscience not to feel bad about spending the money on themselves when it could feed the 400,000 children who will die from malnutrition, starvation, and hunger-related diseases over the next 10 days for a year.

Muslims in France can now buy fast food. A restaurant named Beurger King opened up outside Paris that serves beurgers — I mean, burgers — fries, chicken, and doughnuts that are all halal, or made according to Islamic dietary laws. Of course they sell Mecca Cola. For real. No word on what the American fast food chain Burger King thinks, but they may have to stand in a lawsuit line behind the Burqa King women’s clothing chain and the Bulgar King tabouleh cafes.

Part I – A man in Taiwan went to a clinic complaining of shortness of breath and high fever. X-rays showed something lodged in his bronchial tubes. It turned out to be a set of dentures he’d been searching for, having lost them in a fall three years ago. Now that bites.

Part II – LuAnne Barber of Wrightsville, Georgia, woke up with a stomach ache a few weeks ago. It got bad enough that her husband took her to the emergency room. A quick exam determined that she was in labor. And no, LuAnne and her husband had no idea she was pregnant. She said it never dawned on her because of her history of back problems, an unpredictable monthly cycle, and pain medication she thought was making her gain weight. Ignorance may be bliss, but unexpectedly giving birth is a pain.

A German publisher of foreign language dictionaries has put out a male-female dictionary so women can try to understand men better. Good luck. I mean, viel glueck. Entries in the shopping category section explain that when a man says “that doesn’t suit you” he means “it is too expensive,” and if he says “buy that one” he really means “I want to go home.” I assume these pertain to shopping for clothing and not male-female dictionaries. In that case if a man says “buy that one” he really means “please, buy any one if it will help.”

Move over Dolly, scientists in South Korea say they’ve cloned a dog. Named Snuppy, which they claim is short for Seoul National University Puppy and not the market most likely to buy such a thing — Snobby Yuppie — it was the result of 2,000 eggs being used to make 1,000 embryos, one of which managed to develop into a healthy puppy. Pretty much the same odds as the lottery. The Afghan hound and its father — or would that be twin brother? — are being held by U.S. forces trying to determine if they know whether Osama bin Laden is still in its original homeland.

Q: What’s worse than Martha Stewart?
A: 151 Martha Stewarts in the same room.

In a ploy to promote her upcoming TV show, which she creatively named Martha, Martha Stewart is looking for 150 other Martha Stewarts to come on the show. Audience members will be asked to figure out which one looks like she recently got out of jail and if they guess correctly will be taught how to make a lovely holiday centerpiece from rubber bands, paper plates, and 17 four-carat diamonds. Marquise cuts, of course. Since you never know where you’ll find a Martha Stewart, the search is even being publicized in India. Shaheena Stewart, contact your sister now!

Scientists in Japan have developed a human-looking “female” android. Although completely mechanical, she can flutter her eyelids, move her hands, appears to breathe, and can follow the movement of a human as long as they’re wearing motion sensors. Professor Hiroshi Ishiguro of Osaka University says she can fool people for 5-10 seconds into believing she’s intelligent and has a brain. This is exactly what the world’s been needing — a mechanical Jessica Simpson.

A team of astronomers say they’ve discovered a 10th planet in our solar system. It’s 9 billion miles from the sun, takes 560 years to make one orbit, and is twice as big as Pluto. It’s being referred to by its official name, 2003UB313, until bids have been received from all major corporations that have money left over after they’ve paid to have their name slapped on sports stadiums, outdoor amphitheaters, and college bowl games.

Like a teenager who just won’t learn, the space shuttle has been grounded. Again. After spending two years and hundreds of millions of dollars trying to attach foam to the shuttle so it won’t come off, NASA launched Discovery and — whoops! — within minutes some comes flying off. Come on folks, go to Home Depot. Call Bob Villa. Get MacGyver out of retirement. Do something for our hard earned tax dollars. Hey, it’s not rocket science. On second thought…

Part I – What’s a former president’s daughter worth?
If your last name is Clinton then the answer is 40 goats and 20 cows. That’s what a Kenyan city councilman says he offered Bill Clinton for Chelsea’s hand in marriage five years ago. He’s still waiting for an response.

Part II – How much is that Queen in the castle?
According to the Royal Public Finances annual report, it cost British taxpayers 36.7 million pounds ($69 million) to maintain Queen Elizabeth’s household in 2004-5. That comes to 61 pence ($1.12) per royal subject, the same amount they’d spend on a loaf of bread, 1/5th of an order of haddock and chips, or half a pint of Guiness, not nearly enough in which to drown their sorrows.

A doctor at the Cleveland Clinic is taking applications from people who want to undergo the world’s first face transplant. Not just a nose. Not even just a new ear. No, they’re planning to take the face off a cadaver and slap it on someone else. Of course he or she will probably end up looking like John Travolta in Face/Off. Or was that Nicolas Cage? Hell, I saw the movie and I’m still confused as to who was who. Or is it whom? Anyway, there’s no word on who will be donating the face, but it’s rumored it might be Karl Rove since he’s two-faced and can easily spare one.

A woman in Palermo, Italy, handed over 50,000 euros ($60,133.06 as of this morning’s exchange rate) to a couple who had her convinced they were vampires who would impregnate her with the son of the Antichrist. Not the Antichrist, but his son. Over a four-year period they sold her pills at 3,000 euros apiece that they claimed would abort the anti-fetus. No word as to how they found her in the first place, but chances are it was through an email they sent from Nigeria.

Thanks to political scandal and court convictions, San Diego, California had three different mayors during a four-day period last week. At this rate, someone from every household in the city will have had a turn at being mayor by July 2999.