I’ve finally found a way telemarketers can make my life easier. For years whenever one would call and ask for me I’d say I died. Okay, actually I said, “He died.” Hey, no reason arousing suspicion. Now, thanks to the Direct Marketing Association’s new Deceased Do-Not-Contact list, I can save what could be my last breaths. I simply sign up, tell them I’m dead, and eat dinner in peace. Sure it costs $1, but it’s worth it.

Being a Supreme Court Justice is all about making decisions. Decisions like condemning your 4-year-old son to a lifetime of therapy because you allowed him to appear in public wearing a seersucker suit with short pants and saddleshoes. Put that in your Senate Judiciary Committee hearing pipe and smoke it.

After two years of development, an English company has come up with a crust-free loaf of bread. Unlike Ironkids, the American version where all they do is cut the crusts off the white bread before stuffing it in a plastic bag, Hovis Invisible Crust is actually baked so it has no crust. Yes, it’s 100% soft, white, and tasteless. [Insert favorite Roseanne joke here.]

If there’s one thing that makes a person reminisce about the good old days of the race riots in Watts, it’s taking a mouthful of eggs slathered with hot sauce. That’s why a group of former Black Panthers are putting out Burn Baby Burn Revolutionary Hot Sauce. Well, that and the fact that The Beatles sold out to Nike, Bob Dylan to Victoria’s Secret, and the Rolling Stones to Bill Gates. Upcoming Black Panther tie-ins may include PG&E adopting the slogan “Power to the people,” Tide encouraging homemakers to “Get Whitey!”, and a line of power tools declaring “I’m Black & Decker and I’m proud.”

Say goodbye to those nasty little stickers on your fruit. You know, the ones you can’t peel off and, if by some miracle you do, find stuck to your clothes, the floor, and the dog. The new trend is tattooing fruit. Yes, produce distributors are using lasers to put the PLU code on fruit so checkers can tell a banana from an apple. Life is tough. Can advertising for Froot Loops or Fruit of the Loom underwear be far behind?

My Three Suns – Scientists have discovered a planet that has three suns. Not moons, suns. Named HD 188753 Ab — that’s what happens when all the good names like Uranus, Pluto, and Earth are already taken — it’s the first planet found with more than one sun. When word got around, Oakley Sunglasses, Coppertone, and Levolor all said they’d love to advertise on the side of the space shuttle should it venture into the area. Well, that is if it ever takes off again.

From Fertile Minds – China is sending pig sperm into orbit. Scientists are planning to send 40 grams of pig semen into space when the Shenzhou VI spacecraft launches in October. The sperm comes from pigs found in an area in southwest China that are “famed for their physique and for the quality of their meat.” Ron Jeremy, please call NASA.

Google’s new satellite mapping shows what appears to be the image of Jesus Christ near the coast of Peru. Hey, I couldn’t make this up if I tried to do it in Photoshop. Check it out here.

Part I – Judges at the Miss Marksmen Festival held in Hannover, Germany, voted unanimously for 24-year-old Kira. Once awarded her prize, she admitted that until two years ago she had been a man named Tarek. Members of the Schuetzenverein Hannover shooting and archery club decided not to strip Kira of the title and instead made her an honorary member.

Part II – Armed robbers in Brazil stole 400 silicone breast implants from a postal van. Don’t expect any men to be chosen as Miss Brazil Marksmen anytime soon.

A study published in the British Medical Journal says drivers who use cell phones — with or without a headset — are four times as likely to be in an accident involving a serious injury than drivers who don’t use cell phones. Upcoming studies are expected to confirm that driving while blindfolded, asleep, or dead also increases the risk of an accident.

Last month Patt Holt of St. Charles, Missouri, opened a jar of Jif peanut butter and spooned out what she thought was a dead mouse. She did what any good citizen would do — she had professional photos taken and hired a lawyer. J.M. Smucker, the company that makes Jif, had it tested in a lab. The mouse turned out to be a very moldy piece of apple. Oh. Well that’s different. Case dismissed!

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1,500 sheep plunged over a cliff in Eastern Turkey the other day when they blindly followed their leader over the edge. Interestingly, this is the same way George Bush got re-elected.

George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt, and Abraham Lincoln are getting a facial, thanks to a German company that is cleaning dirt, grime and lichens from the faces of Mt. Rushmore’s four presidents. After the power washing they’ll be treated to a tightening masque, eyebrow threading, and deep hydrating moisturizing treatment. Using Clinique for Men, of course. After all, real presidents don’t use Estee Lauder.

US Airways announced yesterday that they’ll stop giving out free bags of pretzels on domestic flights, a move that will save them $1 million a year. Transatlantic passengers, who can get hungry during an 8-hour flight, will still get a bag containing, oh, four or five mini-pretzels. They’re not alone in trying to save money. Last month Northwest Airlines stopped providing magazines and pretzels, while Delta, American, and Northwest have quit offering pillows. In related moves, United is eliminating pilots on all domestic flights under four hours and Continental is making passengers walk to their destination.

A couple of weeks ago, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi slagged the cuisine of Finland. Then yesterday French President Jacques Chirac told Gerhard Schroeder and Vladimir Putin that Britain has the worst food in Europe except for Finland’s, saying mad cow disease is Britain’s sole contribution to European agriculture. Funny, he didn’t mention a single contribution Finland has made. So far President Bush has kept out of this discussion, probably a good thing since the White House web site features such gourmet recipes as Baked Potato Soup, Deviled Eggs, Fourth of July Coq Au Vin (a favorite Freedom recipe), and Secretary Tommy Thompson’s “Bratwurst of Liberty,” which includes the complex cooking instructions: “Grill them on the BBQ, place in a bun, top with your favorite condiments, and enjoy!” Bon appétit.

Researchers at England’s Bath University Pain Management Unit say that in spite of the conventional wisdom that men are simpering pain wimps who won’t suffer in silence, it turns out they actually cope with pain better than women because they don’t get so emotional about it. Unfortunately they rarely get the medical treatment they need because they refuse to stop and ask for directions to the doctor’s office.

British cell phone users can now waste — I mean, while — away their time by playing Etch-A-Sketch on their phone. They use two keys instead of dials to draw pictures on their cell phone, then they can save the drawings or press “0” to erase them without having to turn the phone upside down and shake it. Coming soon will be the ability to play Mr. Potato Head, use the phone like a virtual hula hoop, and create an ant farm Uncle Milton would be proud of.

A Japanese psychiatric counselor broke his own record when he recited pi to 83,431 decimal places on Friday. He started in the morning, then had to start over at noon when he got lost at about the 16,000 decimal place point. We all know how annoying that can be. He started back at the beginning — you know, the 3.14 part — and finished 11 hours later. And to think, I have trouble remembering my social security number.

NASA, in an effort to stave off criticism about being accident prone, is deliberately sending a spacecraft called Deep Impact 120,842,654 miles to slam into the comet Tempel 1 while going 23,000 miles per hour. I sure hope they don’t miss.

The British government has put out a series of anti-cigarette ads that say smoking is bad for your sex life because it makes men impotent and women ugly. The ads claim smoking “means you can’t get it up” and that it ages women’s skin, causing “cat’s bum mouth,” whatever that is. They should consider recruiting Sam, the three-time winner of the World’s Ugliest Dog Contest (left, real photo. Well, mostly.) as their poster dog and bag the cat’s bum stuff. Next to Sam a cat’s bum doesn’t look half bad.