Astronomer Karl Gebhardt of the University of Texas’ McDonald Observatory says he has come up with the definitive estimate of the mass and size of the biggest black hole in our part of the universe. It turns out that Sarah Palin is 5’5″ and 132 lbs.
Researchers from Ohio State University and Brookhaven National Laboratory report that college students would rather receive compliments than have sex, drink, or be given a check. Of course if they were complimented on their sexual performance, ability to hold their liquor, or size of their bank account they’d be completely in heaven.
Dubai’s highest court, The Court of Cassation, ruled that a Pakistani man can indeed be deported for flipping off another driver since it violates the country’s strict indecency codes. Cab drivers in New York City are curious how their counterparts in Dubai can do their job without being allowed to use proper driving skills.
In a sermon marking the Epiphany, Pope Benedict said, “The universe is not the result of chance, as some would want to make us believe,” and that God was behind the Big Bang. He didn’t, however, take sides as to whether the Big Bang was intentional or the result of God messing around with a chemistry set.
A 754-pound tuna was sold at auction in Tokyo yesterday for a record breaking $396,000. To put it in perspective, that’s $526 per pound or $164.37 per can of tuna, which would come to $82.19 per sandwich (not including the mayonnaise). Of course it won’t end up on toast with lettuce since it was bought by two sushi restaurants which could get as much as $24 per piece by calling it “o-toro” instead of Starkist. Sorry Charlie.
After sifting through 500 entries, the Burlington Liars Club judges chose David Milz’s line as the Top Lie of 2010: “I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.” The problem is Milz didn’t come up with the lie on his own. The sentence gets 360,000 results on Google, most attributing it to Steven Wright and some top results showing it having been printed on T-shirts since at least 2008. But who cares? It is, after all, the Liars Club, right?
What does the person who holds the Guinness World Record for being the world’s largest mother eat for Christmas dinner when she’s trying to become the fattest woman in the world? If you’re Donna Simpson of New Jersey you eat two 25-pound turkeys, two glazed hams, 15 lbs. of potatoes, five loaves of bread, 5 lbs. of herb stuffing, four pints of gravy, four pints of cranberry dressing and 20 lbs. of vegetables, then wash it down with a “salad” of marshmallows, cream cheese, whipped cream and cookies for a total of 30,000 calories. Yum! The over 530-lb Simpson charges people to watch her eat online and says her favorite food is sushi. Probably eaten as 30 lbs of rice with a whole tuna on top.
Things are ramping up for the April 29 wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. England’s BSkyB channel is hoping to broadcast the wedding in 3D. Companies are churning out commemorative pill boxes, china, and mugs. And the Royal Mint is issuing a commemorative coin with images that look more like young William Shatner and that homeless woman who stands by the exit ramp in the mornings. Don’t rush. There’s plenty of time. The commemorative bobble heads, trading cards, and dental floss aren’t even available yet.
A study reported in the Journal of Experimental Biology found that ants can solve complex math problems. The scientists tested whether Argentine ants could solve a dynamic optimization problem by converting a classic Towers of Hanoi math puzzle into a maze, which the ants solved in an hour by finding the shortest path around the edge of the maze. Their next experiment will be to see if the ants can explain to me what any of this means.
Looking for somewhere new to go on vacation next year? Maybe someplace that radiates warmth and gets glowing reviews? How about the Chernobyl nuclear power plant, site of the worst nuclear disaster in history? Yes, starting next year you’ll be able to take a guided tour of the previous sealed area. “There are things to see there if one follows the official route and doesn’t stray away from the group,” Yulia Yershova, a spokeswoman for the Emergency Situations Ministry said. And if you do stray? Well, you could get to see tumors, growths, and deformities, though they may not appear for several years.
When SpaceX Dragon, the commercial spacecraft that orbited Earth for three hours on Wednesday, was sent up, there was some secret cargo on board. It turns out they sent a wheel of Le Brouere cheese into space. A spokesperson says it was in homage to the Monty Python “Cheese Shop” sketch and was bolted to the floor in a circular drum that had a picture of a cow and the warning “Top Secret!” as a wink to the movie Airplane! No mention of its being sent up in honor of Ham, the first chimp sent into space in 1961. And to think, it took 49 years to finally have Ham and Cheese in space!
How would you like to watch a movie at home on the same day it opens in the theaters? It may soon be possible thanks to Prima Cinema. Sure there will be a one-time fee of about $20,000 for the digital-delivery system and then a cost of $500 per film. But hey, if you invite 49 people over to watch it and sell each of them a tub o’ popcorn and a vat of soda you could make your investment back in, oh….80 or so movies. On second thought, waiting for Netflix to have it doesn’t sound so bad.
A German woodworker has been receiving orders from around the world for the eco-friendly, 100% natural, hand-carved sex toys he makes out of wood. Tweezers for the splinters are extra.
First there was Eau de Stilton, a perfume created for Britain’s Stilton Cheesemakers Association a few years ago. But that’s old moldy news. This Christmas you can give your loved ones Stilton beer. That’s right, England’s Belvoir Brewery has cooked up The Blue Brew by infusing Stilton into the beer during fermentation, which they say creates a unique smooth taste and a light creamy texture that goes especially well with crackers. A spokesperson for the Association said, “People often think of Stilton as a cheese just for Christmas and forget how versatile it is.” True. It could also make a great scented dish washing soap, car air freshener, and whipped topping.
Thomas Kinkade isn’t the only one making money off crap art. A reproduction of the Venus de Milo made from panda poop was sold at auction to a Swiss art collector for $45,000. Okay, so it’s not as much as the Warhol that recently sold for $63.4 million, but even the artist says the sculpture is a piece of shit.
After being fed about 300 million facts about “people, places, business and events” that made the news over the years, a computer program called True Knowledge ascertained that the most boring day in history was April 11, 1954. The second most boring day was November 26, 2010 when this announcement was made. *yawn*
A report by ComScore Inc. says 85% of Americans between the age of 14 and 34 sent at least one text message in a given month last quarter. Meanwhile, 42% of those 50 and older sent one. Of those, 17% began their text message with “Dear” and ended it with “Sincerely yours,” 67% typed “LOL” but didn’t know what it stands for, and 22% sent the message by accident while trying to figure out how to answer their phone.
TSA chief John Pistole says the Homeland Security Department is looking into discontinuing the 8-year-old terror alert system that uses five color levels and has been stuck on one level—orange—for the past four years. They’re considering changing it to something more meaningful, like “Go on Through,” “Pat Down,” and “Full Cavity Search.”
The British royal family has announced that Prince William’s wedding to Kate Middleton will take place on Friday, April 29, at Westminster Abbey, giving people plenty of time to purchase William and Kate commemorative plates, tea cozies, soap-on-a-rope, and leftover Charles and Diana commemorative toothbrushes with new photos pasted on them. “Save the Date” Tweets are expected to be sent out tomorrow.
Art restorers in Italy have their smocks in a knot over Premier Silvio Berlusconi’s having had broken body parts replaced on two ancient marble statues in his office. Venus received a new hand, while Mars got a new penis. The culture ministry defends the statuary enhancements, pointing out that the body parts are attached by magnets so they can be easily removed without any damage. If only Berlusconi had a body part like Mars he wouldn’t be in half the trouble he’s in.
