CBS has cancelled Charlie Sheen’s hit sitcom Two and a Half Men after hearing the actor on a radio program calling his boss, executive producer Chuck Lorre, “a clown,” saying he “violently hate[s]” him, then sending a letter to TMZ declaring that, “Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words – imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.” The network has, however, offered to let him star in a new show, Two and a Half Marbles Left, which will costar Mel Gibson, Lindsay Lohan, and Crispin Glover.

EasyJet airlines has apologized to Jewish passengers after the only food available on a recent flight from Tel Aviv to London was ham melts and bacon baguettes. Apparently the wrong meals were loaded onto the plane and some other flight got the shrimp salad, carnitas tacos, and lobster tails.

Yesterday’s session of the Supreme Court was an historic one. No, it had nothing to do with the case under discussion—a question about whether a microbiologist who tried to poison her husband’s lover with a toxic chemical could be charged under a federal law intended to regulate chemical weapons—but rather it was the fifth anniversary of the last time Justice Clarence “Tightmouth” Thomas spoke during lawyer’s arguments. Let’s all silently mouth Happy Anniversary to him and give him a copy of The Miracle Worker as a present.

South Dakota Senator John Thune has posted a statement on his Facebook page saying he’s not running for president in 2012. His supporter is stunned and disappointed.

After four years of recurring headaches, hoarseness, and occasionally speaking gibberish, a man in China went to the hospital where they discovered and removed a 4-inch knife blade from his head that he hadn’t known was there, but realized must be left from when he was stabbed in the lower jaw during a fight four years previous. Doctors say he’s recuperating and should be able to apologize to his wife soon for blaming the headache on her.

On the heels of a poor showing in an Australian race last month, Lance Armstrong has announced that he’s retiring from professional cycling for the second time, saying he wants to devote himself to his family, the fight against cancer, and training for his next comeback.

Anthony Dingle, a superintendent at the New York Housing Authority, has filed a lawsuit claiming that constant berating by his deputy director, Demetrice Gadson, has caused intestinal problems, a bleeding prostrate, and vomiting at the sound of her voice. Gadson reportedly told a colleague, “I did not know that I made men throw up” before laughing hysterically. Her head then spun around and she added, “Your mother sucks cocks in Hell, you faithless slime.” No word on when jury selection begins.

In a follow-up to the post the other day about the new iPhone app, Confession: A Roman Catholic App, that was approved by both Bishop Kevin Rhodes of the Diocese of Fort Wayne, Indiana, and a higher authority—the iPhone App Store—it turns out the Vatican hasn’t taken a liking to the idea. After hearing about the app, Vatican spokesman Rev. Federico Lombardi said, “One cannot speak in any way of ‘confession by iPhone.'” Perhaps Jesus prefers the Droid?

Valentine’s Day is a big one for florists, candymakers, Hallmark, and now it turns out, Pfizer. According to Wolters Kluwer Pharma Solutions, more prescriptions for Viagra were written before Valentine’s Day last year than any other week of the year. Until American Greetings comes out with a Valentine’s Day card that’s appropriate to include with this thoughtful—if not completely unselfish—gift, feel free to use this:

On this day of love and candy,
Sex with you would be just dandy.
Accept this gift in lieu of flowers,
Blooms will wilt, you’ll last for hours.

Philadelphia police are investigating the death of a British woman who reportedly came to the city in order to get her butt enhanced with silicone injections at a Hampton Inn hotel. Remember, when considering medical tourism in another country, nothing says “safe, sterile, medically sound procedure” like “Go to room 323, knock three times, and tell them Dr. Hackenbush sent you.”

Feeling guilty because you’ve been playing Angry Birds too much, cursed Steve Jobs for not allowing Flash on your iPod Touch, or coveted thy neighbor’s iPad? Now you can confess your sins without having to put down your not-so-beloved-as-to-be-considered-a-false-idol iPhone thanks to the new Confession: A Roman Catholic App available from iTunes for only $1.99. Featuring a “personalized, password protected, examination of conscience and a step-by-step guide to the Sacrament,” the app has been vetted by Bishop Kevin Rhodes of the Diocese of Fort Wayne, making it the first iPhone app approved by the Vatican. Coming soon: Angry Birds College of Cardinals version.

Sarah Palin™ has filed an application with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to register her name and her daughter Bristol’s™ as registered trademarks. Apparently Pit Bull with Lipstick®, Freakazoid®, and Indicator of Armageddon® were already registered.

Researchers at Thomas Jefferson University in Philadelphia have discovered what they say is the only legitimate hangover cure. By deliberately getting mice drunk and giving them headaches, they deduced that coffee and aspirin (or ibuprofen) are the only things that really help. So if your mice get drunk this weekend, you know what to do. For the rest of us there are still Bloody Mary’s.

Italian art investigator Silvano Vinceti says the model for the Mona Lisa wasn’t a woman at all, but rather Leonardo da Vinci’s male apprentice and longtime companion, Gian Giacomo “Salai” Caprotti. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi immediately denied ever having paid Salai to have sex with him.

A study published in the Journal of Consumer Research says that being forced to line up alphabetically as kids shapes our shopping style as grown-ups. Those whose last name begins with a letter near the end of the alphabet are more likely to buy things quickly and impulsively because they always had to wait as a child, while those people with names towards the beginning of the alphabet have more patience and take time to weigh their options. If your last name begins with a letter near the end of the alphabet, you’re also more likely to buy this story. The rest of you skeptics can go to the back of the line.

A Shaolin monk is a sensation in China after appearing on their version of America’s Got Talent where he demonstrated “steel crotch Kung Fu“, meaning he was repeatedly kicked hard in his privates. Yong Hsueh, who bowed and smiled after each kick between the legs, says the rare martial art is divided into hard crotch Kung Fu and soft crotch Kung Fu. Don’t ask. He might be nuts but you can’t deny he has balls. Or had, anyway.

Boca Tacos and Tequila of Tucson, Arizona, has decided not to serve African lion tacos after all. The restaurant, which has offered up python, alligator, kangaroo, turtle, and frog leg tacos in the past, cancelled the launch of the $8.75 tacos de Aslan after having received “many threats.” The Baby Seal Burrito, however, is still in the works.

A survey by AVG Technologies found that more children between the age of 2 and 5 can use a smartphone app than can tie their shoelaces. It’s not the parents’ fault. They didn’t invent Velcro.

There’s a move in Russia to have beer reclassified. As alcohol. That’s right, legally beer is considered food in Russia, much like it is in colleges across the United States, so all you need to do to make or sell it is have sanitary facilities. No licensing required. After all, it’s not like it’s real alcohol. You know, like vodka. If the law gets changed it will mean kids in Moscow will have to stick with Sprite and orange juice. If it doesn’t, maybe they can convince the Powers That Be it’s actually a food and in heaven there finally will be beer.

In case you just can’t get enough of Starbucks’ iced drinks, they’re introducing a new Super Big Gulp size…sorry, wrong company…I mean, they’re offering a new Trenta size, which features 31 ounces—nearly a quart!—of iced tea, coffee, or lemonade along with a brand new made-up size name. Hopefully to go along with it they’ll be enlarging the bathrooms to accommodate the increased need.