An Internet campaign has been started in China calling for a boycott of the French retail store Carrefour — known as Jialefu and very popular in China — to retaliate for the Paris protests during the Olympic torch relay and French President Nicolas Sarkozy’s saying he might not attend the opening ceremony of the Olympics. If it happens, don’t be surprised to see the French boycott Chinese food, which will cause the Chinese to outlaw French poodles and stop saying “Ooh la la.” Then the French will change the name of crêpe de Chine to crepe de Freedom, the Chinese will stop eating French toast which they don’t eat anyway, and the French will outlaw fortune cookies which are an American invention. Finally they’ll both stop their foolishness and band together against the English, who they both dislike.

Mariah Carey’s song, Touch My Body, is her 18th to reach No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 singles chart, meaning she’s beat out Elvis Presley for having the most No. 1 singles and is second only to the Beatles. In other news, hell froze over, pigs flew, and the check actually is in the mail.

The airline industry is a mess. American Airlines has cancelled 1,000 flights so they can check the wiring. Aloha and ATA have gone out of business. Frontier has filed for bankruptcy. And United just raised their prices up to $30 per round trip, meaning it will cost as much as $130 more for a domestic round-trip ticket now than it did the first week of January. Is it the recessi…I mean, economic downturn? Or the price of oil? According to President Bush it’s neither, and everything is hunky dorey. “Had the Wright brothers stayed in Ohio and just fixed bicycles like they should have we wouldn’t be in this mess today.” Yeah. What he said.

A Venezuelan TV channel has taken The Simpsons off the air because they say it’s inappropriate for children. In its place will be Baywatch Hawaii, which features bikini-clad babes and musclebound hunks who run along the beach in slow jiggling motion. Not to mention — “Cover your eyes, kids!” — David Hasselhoff. On the other hand, they may have made the decision based on dough, not Doh!

Japanese origami experts have created a paper airplane they hope to launch from space and fly to Earth. It’s no average paper airplane. An origami master spent 18 months figuring out how to create it from a single sheet of paper without cutting, stitching or taping it. Hell, he should have just asked a third-grader. Since the prototype survived a test that included Mach 7 speeds and temperatures up to 446 degrees Fahrenheit, the Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency has agreed to fund three years of feasibility studies to the tune of $300,000 a year. That’s a pretty nice living. Hey, I have an idea! Why not throw a Frisbee on the moon? Or see how a hula hoop works in weightlessness? Wait, wait, wait! I have it. How about seeing how the origami crane that flaps its wings, which I still remember how to make, works in the space station? If it helps, you can PayPal my monthly funding to me.

Proving that he was truly a trendsetter, famed tenor Luciano Pavarotti lip-synched his last performance, at least a year before Britney so floppingly did the same at the MTV Video Awards. Leone Magiera, who conducted the performance at the opening ceremony of the Turin Winter Olympic Games in 2006, says in a recently published book that Pavarotti recorded Nessun Dorma several days before the performance and faked it on stage, though his dancing was the real thing.

A German woman who lost 225 lbs on a crash diet underwent surgery to remove the wrinkles and tighten her skin. When she woke up she discovered the doctors had put in breast implants, taking her from a C cup to a D. She’s suing. The doctors say it’s the best way to tighten her skin and she shouldn’t complain. Hopeful Shar-Peis are lining up outside the doctor’s office.

Want to be a millionaire? Just move to Zimbabwe. Thanks to an inflation rate of 100,000%, which makes our financial situation here in the U.S. look like underpriced chicken feed, a loaf of bread costs a whopping 16 million Zimbabwe dollars. To ease the strain on everyone’s overstuffed wallet, the government issued a new 50 million bank note today. One of them will get you $1 on the black market or three loaves of bread in the supermarket. Just think, only 1,180 of the new bills and you could be as rich as Bill Gates. Zimbabweanly speaking.

When the Arkansas legislature passed a bill last year aiming to make 18 the minimum age to be married, they accidentally stuck an extra “not” in the text, so the law let anyone who wasn’t pregnant to marry, no matter what age they were. Even toddlers. In a special session this week, the legislature repealed it, so once again boys need to be 17 and girls 16 if they want to wed. The West Virginia Department of Tourism is gearing up to take up the slack.

Mourners in Britain who can’t attend a loved one’s funeral service can now join the proceedings via live webcast. For $150. Virtual flowers, electronic sympathy cards, and sobbing avatar are all extra.

Forget guys who bounce ping pong balls into cups, cats that ride a skateboard while meowing Love Like This, and a poodle exercise class, the IRS has posted a video of Deputy Commissioner Linda Stiff telling you about the upcoming tax rebate. It’s had 9,582 views since being posted on March 21st and has a four-star rating. Not bad, but not quite up there with the Evolution of Dance which has been watched 80,403,980 times. Maybe Linda should film it again while dancing on a skateboard, bouncing ping pong balls, and demonstrating the evolution of a poodle exercise class.

A committee of students at the University of Texas at San Antonio is drawing up a new honor code that covers things like no lying, no cheating, no running with scissors, and no plagiarism. Unfortunately it turns out that parts of their draft are a word-for-word copy of the online version of Brigham Young University’s honor code. Oh well, back to the drawing board. And keep your eyes on your own drawing board this time.

Canada ‘s seal hunting season has opened! This year hunters will be allowed to catch 275,000 seals which they’ll sell for about $78 each. In a begrudging bow to seal-huggers, this year they’ll be required to make sure the seals are dead before skinning them. Happy hunting!

A survey by the Pew Research Center found that one in 10 American voters believes Barack Obama is Muslim, probably because his name is, well, Swahili in origin. Meanwhile, a poll by the Association of Japanese Geographers found that 95.6% of Japanese university students could correctly find the U.S on a map. Interestingly, a National Geographic Society survey in 2006 found that only 94% of young Americans can do the same thing. No word on how many Japanese students can find Barack Obama on a map or whether the Pew Research Center is tired of people calling and saying, “Pew? Do you do research about whether he who smelt it really dealt it?”

Former Peruvian President Alberto Fujimori, on trial for ordering a military death squad to carry out two massacres that killed 25 people, apologized to a judge yesterday. Not for anything he did while president, but for not wearing socks to court. And having fallen asleep at the defendant’s table a couple of days before so the judge had to shout and ring a bell to wake him. Apparently the prospect of 30 years in prison doesn’t keep him awake at night or during the day.

Thomas Beatie of Bend, Oregon, was born a woman named Tracy Lagondino. She had surgery to make herself look like a man but kept her reproductive organs. Legally a male, he married a woman named Nancy, was artificially inseminated and, according to The Advocate, is now 22 weeks pregnant with a baby girl, making him the best slim, Asian, transgender Arnold Schwarzenegger imitator in the world.

A couple of years ago the Taiwanese military ordered some helicopter batteries from the U.S. Defense Department. Not a big order, but anything that helps the balance of trade is a good thing. It turns out someone made a small mistake when filling the order, which if you’ve ever bought something online or from a catalog you know can happen. Instead of the batteries, the Defense Department shipped four nose-cone fuses for intercontinental ballistic missiles. Hey, it could have been worse, the SKU for the Stealth Bomber (Now With Nuclear Warheads Included!) is only one digit off from the batteries.

Attendees at the International Conference on Human-Robot Interaction in Amsterdam chose “Phobot,” a robot that acts like a human with a phobia, as their favorite. Created by students at the University of Amsterdam using Lego robotics, when Phobot sees a new fear-inspiring object it retreats and spins around in circles, then can be trained not to fear the object anymore. Can robo-therapists, Primal Screech therapy, and robot whisperers be far behind? Dave? What are you doing, Dave?

Philippine health officials have issued a warning to anyone planning to re-enact Jesus’ crucifixion by being nailed to a wooden cross on Good Friday. They recommend penitents get a tetanus shot, make sure their whips are clean and infection-free, and sterilize the 6″ nails that will be hammered through their hands and ankles. Be safe. Remember: Cleanliness is next to piousness.

A New York City businessman was getting a lap dance when the, uh, dancer kicked him in the eye with the heel of her shoe. He didn’t report it to the manager and get first aid or mouth-to-mouth. And he didn’t resign — after all, he’s not a governor. No, he filed a lawsuit against the club and the dancer claiming they were negligent and caused him to “sustain serious injuries.” Of course in the process his name was made public so he’s liable to get another black eye from the missus. A little advice to anyone considering this type of family entertainment: wear a helmet, ask the dancer to wear fuzzy rabbit slippers (Spongebob or Dora are good too), and be happy if it’s only your eye that gets kicked.