Richard Roberts, the former president of Oral Roberts University, told students yesterday that he didn’t want to resign as head of the scandal-plagued school but God insisted. So he did. It’s the opposite of the Devil Made Me Do It defense.
A developer, tired of waiting for global warming to turn Arizona into waterfront property, is planning to build a 125-acre water park in Mesa, AZ, complete with an artificial whitewater rafting river, a simulated ocean with 12-foot waves, a scuba diving lagoon, and a snorkeling pond filled with with coral reefs. In the middle of the desert. Since it will use about 100 million gallons of water a year, enough to keep 1,200 homes in water, maybe he could make a swap and send sand to the Arctic so the polar bears have something to stand on when the glaciers are gone.
A survey by a New York University journalism class found that 66% of the students would agree not to vote in the next presidential election in exchange for a year’s tuition, 20% would give up their vote for an iPod Touch, and half would forfeit their right to vote forever if you gave them $1 million. Interestingly, 90% of those who said they’d give up their vote for the big bucks also said they think voting is “very important” or “somewhat important.” Just not as important as money.
Ingrid Marie Rivera won the crown and became Miss Puerto Rico Universe in spite of having pepper spray put in her makeup and on her evening gowns, having a bag full of gowns, makeup, and credit cards stolen, and having a bomb threat cause the last day competition to be postponed. Sheesh! What do they think this is, a political campaign?
When Tony Henry, a British opera singer, sang the Croatian national anthem before a soccer match at Wembley stadium he mispronounced the words and instead of singing “we love your mountains,” sang “my penis is a mountain.” Croatian fans say the humorous mistake helped their team relax and beat England. Not to mention it got Henry 17 offers of a drink after the game by Croatian women who wanted to check just in case it wasn’t actually a mistake.
A Saudi woman who was abducted while in her car and raped by seven men has been sentenced to six months in jail and 200 lashes because she was in a car with a man who wasn’t a relative. Later in the day the court sentenced a robbery victim to two years probation for being a public temptation, put a family in jail for having items in their house worth stealing, and held a man who had been murdered in contempt of court for not showing up to testify in the trial of his murderer.
A study in the Journal of Experimental Psychology found that when a man meets a blonde woman his mental performance drops and he acts dumber. Interestingly, this also happens when a man meets a brunette or redhead.
A survey by GMAC found that 36 million licensed drivers would fail their driver’s test if they had to take it again. That’s one in six. Amazingly, 84% of those taking the GMAC test didn’t know what to do at yellow light. (HINT: Stomping on the gas, pushing the stopped car in front of you into the intersection, and picking up the phone to call a friend are all wrong answers.)
How is O.J. Simpson going to spend the two weeks before he has to return to Nevada to be arraigned on charges of kidnapping and armed robbery? According to his lawyer, he’ll be playing golf. Hey, you never know if Nicole’s real murderer will be on the 9th hole holding the invisible guns that weren’t used in the Las Vegas sports memorabilia snatching.
On Friday, alert workers at Disneyland spotted a woman sprinkling an unidentified substance into the water of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. They quickly shut down the ride and called the police. Anthrax? Botulism? LSD? Terrorism? Nope, it turned out to be someone’s cremated ashes. Bambi’s mother, perhaps?
The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, a bona fide agency of the U.S. government, suggests that if you have unused prescription drugs that might be abused you don’t just flush them down the toilet. After all, who needs zonked out sewer alligators running around? They recommend that you instead mix the pills into gunky stuff like used coffee grounds, kitty litter, or according to one official, ferret poop, which of course we all have sitting around and never have any idea what to do with it all. What a waste (so to speak). Isn’t there an organization you can donate them to, like Pills for Pop?
Paris Hilton, trying to prove she’s changed and is no longer the party girl we all think she is, has found a charity project near and dear to her heart — helping drunken elephants in India. “The elephants get drunk all the time,” she said. “It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them.” If she’s successful in instituting reforms, anyone buying liquor in India will be carded to make sure they’re not an elephant, the fine for an elephant being caught using a fake ID will be doubled, and anyone caught buying pastis for a pachyderm will have to spend a weekend listening to Hilton talking about her time in prison.
The Lakeland Humane Society in Alberta, Canada, has an abundance of dark colored dogs on hand because of Black Dog Syndrome. Yes, it turns out people shun black dogs in favor of light colored ones. Interestingly, female dogs are adopted as often as males but paid less, Shitzus and other Asian dogs are bad drivers (ever seen one on a dog sled team?), and Chihuahuas that don’t speak English and work as gardeners are lazy.
The Consumer Product Safety Commission has ordered that Aqua Dots, the popular toy which when sprayed with water after having been arranged into a design will fuse together, be pulled from toy store shelves. It turns out that the beads are coated with a chemical that, when swallowed, turns into the date rape drug GHB. As word of the recall circulated, Strawberry Shortcake breathed a sigh of relief, Hello Kitty had a big smile, and Ken denied ever having put Aqua Dots in Yasmin Bratz’s drink, claiming “She’s naturally dizzy. Hey, I don’t need to do that to get some, you know. Barbie would take me back in a second if that Blaine guy would get out of the picture.”
Barack Obama was late for his campaign appearance in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, Tuesday night because the pilot of his private plane made a little mistake and landed 100 miles west at Des Moines by mistake. Apparently he overheard one of Obama’s campaign strategists telling the candidate to “Veer to the left! No, move more to the left!” Next time, keep the headphones on and AC/DC blasting. Roger!
A study published in the November issue of Pediatrics found that getting more sleep can stop children from getting fat. Apparently every additional hour of sleep a third-grader gets reduces their chances of ending up an obese sixth-grader by 40%. And no, three additional hours won’t mean they’ll be skinny. As a side benefit, that same hour of extra sleep each night will make them less likely to fall asleep in class, help them be more alert so they won’t always be the first one to get hit in the head playing dodgeball, and will put their parents in a much better mood because they’ll actually get some quiet time in the evening. The end. Now go to sleep.
Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf has declared a state of emergency, suspending the constitution, shutting down TV stations, and sending troops out to beat and arrest protesting lawyers. You know, basically martial law. In response, President Bush forcefully called Musharraf a “strong fighter against extremists and radicals” and hopes “he will restore democracy as quickly as possible.” Then he grinned and added, “Mushie, you’re doing a heckuva job!”
After five years of not being able to find anyone who would put up $50 million in exchange for having their name slapped on the University of Wisconsin-Madison School of Business, Dean Michael Knetter took another tack and found 13 alumni who pledged $85 million as long as the school wouldn’t be named for a donor for at least 20 years. It’s a good concept. I plan on offering the next telemarketer that calls a nice donation if they promise not to bother me during dinner for the next five years, will buy a year’s subscription to Watchtower from the Jehovah’s Witnesses if they swear they won’t wake me up on Saturday morning at 8:00 am for a year, and will agree to shop at any store that promises not to try to sell me an extended warranty on every item I buy.
Halloween is over and the turkey’s defrosting so it will be ready to put in the oven on Thanksgiving. Time to start that Christmas shopping. If you’re looking for one-stop shopping this year, head to Giant Microbes, where you can get stuffed animals that look like their tiny counterparts. From the Common Cold virus to Ebola, Athlete’s Foot to Gonorrhea, they’re soft, cuddly, and easier to get rid of than the real thing. Hopefully next year they’ll come out with Giant Antibiotics and Giant Vaccines to get rid of this year’s presents that don’t get played with.
A six-year-old video making the rounds on YouTube shows Kevin Rudd, who is probably going to become Australia’s prime minister next month, caught by Parliament’s official television camera absentmindedly sticking his finger in his ear, then putting it in his mouth. Note to upset Australian voters: Clorox just bought Burt’s Bees, maker of bees wax-based lip balms, for $925 million. How bad can a bit of wax be?
